What a day...
Most of the day I felt on top of the world...
Satisfied with my family...
Satisfied with my job...
Mostly, satisfied with my growth in the area of lust!
I felt like I've somewhat come to terms with my addiction, accepted the fact that I'm gonna get triggered slightly here & there, but that's just me, & I'm asking the אייבישטער to deal with it for me. Felt like I knew that these triggers wouldn't be enough to send me to act out ח"ו, just that they're annoying feelings to contend with...
...
...then I stepped out my front door to go to Maariv, & it hit me that there may be a rare opportunity for a small chance at a specific תאוה I used to "enjoy"...

...in an instant, all those proud feelings were gone. All I could think of was "the h-ck with everything, w/ my sobriety, w/ my streak, w/ my freedom... I NEEEEEEEED this!!!!!!!!!!!!" Nevermind that the chances of actually finding what I was looking for were slim, & the chances that this wasn't really as golden an opportunity as I thought were quite high. Nevermind I can get in trouble... lose that job & that family...
...tried rapidly praying in my head for Hashem to magically make this urge disappear, as I took a few steps towards גיהנום...didn't work... I didn't really want it to...
 Finally my brain kicked in somewhat, & said "Hey you [censored], there's no way you can deal with this on your own, call for help NOW!" Tried calling my הייליגער sponsor, he didn't pick up. I desperately called another friend from SA (hey צדיק I know you're reading this), who picked up & heard me out. He didn't judge me, didn't make fun of my insane urges, he just thanked me for sharing my struggle at this crucial moment. He reminded me that I have this higher power who understands exactly how hard this is for me, & that he's right here to take it from me if I want. We prayed a bit together (-even more awkward than sharing the details of the struggle...) & hung up.
It didn't take the urge away, but I felt for the moment able to withstand it.
I went back home & said a tear-filled מזמור שיר חנוכת הבית (- I feel like that kappitel was tailor-made for 12-steppers...), trying to envision myself at the כותל just a few weeks ago saying the same kappitel. I went to a later Maariv, davened a fairly decent  שמונה עשרה, & asked Hashem, with a little more sincerity this time, to help me thru this. When I got back in the car, the insane urge was gone, at least for the moment.
...and here I am, alive to tell the story!
ואני אמרתי בשלוי בל אמוט לעולם - I thought things were fine, I'm doing great, I'm done with this lust business...
ה' ברצונך העמדת להררי עוז - nope. It's only by Hashem's grace that I manage to stay sober... (עיין Praise, my soul - R' Avigdor Miller זצ"ל)

...one day at a time...

I think it would be helpful to Change how one feels and thinks, which would solve 2 issues: A. One wouldn't be uncomfortable in life B. One wouldn't get overly triggered.

A good method to use is to build one's abilities of comprehension. Try it for real, and see where one is holding after a few weeks.

Tzvi5 wrote on 22 Feb 2019 15:55:

Mr tzvi, you seem to like preaching and it seems to be the same sermon as well; that's fine, perhaps there is merit in your lecture. I'm not sure how much you know or don't know about addicts, or people similar to them, but several things I have learned in my stay here:  these type of people (of which I am one) don't like being talked down to, they don't like to be told what to do, and most of all, they like to feel attached with the other person before accepting suggestions. There must be a bond of sorts. You can keep spewing and it might be productive; I doubt it though. Just my troubling words. You can ignore if you'd like; that's what many should do after seeing posts that don't resonate with them.

Take care

Trouble wrote on 22 Feb 2019 17:31:

Well written.

Humility is a nice trait to learn as well. Sadly, I am still learnin'.

A piece of advice isn't preaching. One who gets offended when he is given advice and feels he's preached at is mistaken. If one is sick and someone gives advice (ex. One likes to bang his head into the wall) that's not called preaching.

Today I'm cranky.
Cranky at me for being cranky at her for being cranky at me for acting cranky to her when I meant it as a joke blah blah blah...
Sounds confusing? I'm trying to "surrender" my resentments so I don't feel like the only sensible way out of this is to escape to lustland,  while she wants me to voice it out so we can "agree to disagree"... I'm trying to get less enthusiastic about intimacy while her (& her therapist) are expecting me to get more enthusiastic...
I'm confused. And cranky. No idea what I'm supposed to be doing. I only know what I feel like doing... I left work early today, bec every trigger is being magnified 10X & their filters are a lot weaker than mine, I already had to resist the urge to whet my appetite once today.
Have a great Shabbos everyone!