Thistimeillwin wrote on 28 Dec 2020 12:43:
It hasn't been an easy weekend. Thoughts keep creeping into my mind. Nothing more, but I am finding that half my day is battling the urge to let those thoughts go further...
Don't battle them. Accept them as a thought, and calmly move on with what you were doing. Getting worked up and trying to squeeze the thought out of our head, just causes it to set up lodgings for a longer period of time.
I'm also concerned for mikva night coming up. My sobriety is much better when it is zero-tolerance, but after mikva night I often find myself m**ting the next day (talk about the wisdom of chazal). I know, I'm supposed to rewire my mindset as to s*x with my wife, but as I've previously commented "But if an alcoholic would drink arba kosos with every l'shem yichud and proper kavana, he would still be triggered by the alcohol in his system. Problem is, there's no grape juice in the bedroom."
This issue is a common problem amongst people like ourselves, who are still in the learning stages of how to properly combat lust.
I recently posted about this very topic, on a thread called "I think I miss the niddah times". I struggled with this then, and for many weeks after. I don't profess to be holding on the level that I'm about to describe, but I'm definitely much closer to it than I was before. In addition I think, that now I understand the level that if reached makes this complex subject doable.
What I realized was like many people mentioned, lust and sex with one's wife does not have to go hand in hand. It's possible to enjoy the deed, have tremendous pleasure, yet not be lusting at least not on a major scale.
The way I'm working on it is as follows. Whenever a thought comes to you during the day, about being with your wife in detail, or you start dreaming about specific aspects in vivid colors, use whatever method you use on a regular basis when face with urges that are wrong, and will never come to fruition. Don't let your mind wander too deeply during the day, even if you know your wife will be available that very night.
In addition to that, during the actual act try to modify your behavior based on somewhat of a non-lusting approach. For example there are certain things I enjoy that my wife does not, but she is 100% okay to go along with it, so much so that if I don't initiate it, she occasionally offers. I tried to minimize those things as much as possible not to feed into my lust. I don't mean that you must be on a level of a porush or a monk. Of course you can indulge in things you enjoy, but your approach shouldn't be you trying to get as much enjoyment as possible without any regard to anything else, like your wife's feelings, for example. This can manifest itself in many different ways, for me it's specifically works with things that my wife goes along with. You must find your own variation.
By doing this your experience changes from one of a self-absorbed goal of enjoying it as much as possible no matter what, to an approach of, of course I'm going to enjoy - I'm even allowed to do things that I will cause myself more enjoyment, but that's not the only factor taken into account.
What you will learn from this, is that it is indeed possible to have grape juice in the bedroom. No you cannot switch the juice for water. But to have it ferment and turn into wine is indeed a decision.
Grant
