I haven’t posted in quite a while. Felt it’s about time to open up and share the most recent events. If anyone can relate to any of this feel free to post or you can also private message me. Mental health is a real thing and very important to be sensitive and aware if someone is struggling with it at the levels I recently went through. 



This past year I started off strong and I stayed clean from P/M for well over 6 months, a great stride forward in my journey toward kedusha. My devices were filtered, I was regularly in touch with chevra and GYE mentors who were supportive. I was learning, davening, being careful in my kedusha and goals to grow, etc and I was even starting to help mentor and offer support to those seeking support and new to the GYE space. After many years of struggling seemed like I was on the right path. 



Then I hit a mental health turning point. Due to family and work related stresses (which I won’t get into detail here), towards the end of the summer I started to run into some significant mental health issues which quickly developed into a full out mental break down (the best way I can describe it). I was not eating or sleeping much at all, losing a lot of weight and dealing with a vicious cycle of anxiety and depression. I was terrified and felt trapped and incapable of getting myself out of this hole. I felt like I was failing my family and failing at work. I had zero kedusha issues during this period of time and I couldn’t be with my wife both emotionally and physically (no interest and no energy). I couldn’t be there fully for my children either and they would ask questions about how am I doing, etc,  that my wife and I had no answers for. I was ashamed of myself for having a mental health breakdown and incapable of being able to regulate myself, and I just wanted to hide from the world. I also struggled to concentrate when davening and it made it very difficult to attend minyanim and shiurim. I was in constant fear of people friends rabbonim coworkers and family seeing that something was off with me and this was also partially why I couldn’t handle being in minyanim, kiddushim, and various simchas and community events. There was a point in time when I was not sleeping at all for many weeks at a time and taking very heavy medications which either did not help or were so strong that I felt like completely disconnected from my present self and environment. 

Coworkers were distancing themselves from me and I felt like I was on the verge of getting let go. I felt like my body was collapsing and falling apart from the lack of sleep and not eating and I was not going to make it. This was a major wake up call. Finally with some time, therapy, medication and healing I started to crawl out of this mental health episode and b”h I can confidently say it is behind me and I am mentally and physically doing much better. 

but the strain took a toll on me in terms of kedusha and as soon as I started to come out of this episode, BAM, for the past several weeks I had setbacks in kedusha. Several of them about once per week, once every other week or so, and one week at its worst several times in a week. This is a low slump that I had not experienced in many years to have that many setbacks one after the next and a new depression started to set in that I was no longer able to identify with myself and what I felt I had accomplished and stood for. 



this mental health episode was a wake up call. 



I recently came across some content that essentially helped remind me a few important things that seemed to have gotten lost along the way following my mental health episode.



that P/M is simply “Not an available option - Period” in my life. I started to go through several areas of struggle, slip, etc and then write the words “not an available option - Period” after each one. And really feel that deep down emotionally. Not taking a second look when an attractive women passes by - Not an option - Period. Not taking my phone into the bathroom with me ever Not an Option - Period. 

and re teaching myself that I have to accept my circumstances for what they are and to not feel like a failure because of my circumstances. Acceptance. Just continuing to practice and daven for acceptance daily. That no shame or despair is allowed and ultimately Hashem wants us to serve him always with joy and nothing should come in between our joy in serving and having a relationship with Hashem. The mental health episode was a wake up call that I can’t let my insecurities drag me down to such extreme levels of shame and despair. 



b”h I am 5 days clean and continuing to work on all of the above every day and stay in close touch with GYE chevra and mentors. 

Excellent post. Courageous, honest, and painful. However, if you read between the lines, you will actually see that there has been great hatzlocha. When guys start out here, the goal is to become clean on a "normal" day and in a "normal" setting. Meaning, we were previously acting out on a regular basis without any seeming rhyme or reason. It was our pacifier when we were even slightly uncomfortable during the day, or our used it as a daily de-stressor as part of our going to bed ritual. You BH graduated that. You trained yourself to stay clean when evrything was fairly decent. And that is cause for celebration. The fact that you were nichshal when under extreme duress - the likes of which we don't wish on our enemies, does not undo or minimize your accomplishments at all. We can assume that b'ezras Hashem as everything returns to normal, so will your self control. So what should happen in the future if there is an extremely challenging situation? Let's discuss that in a few months when you have been really feeling well for b'ezras Hashem an appropriate amount of time.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 26 Dec 2024 05:44:

Well, idk if this one should be handed out to the chosson rebbes.

But it should be printed out by every GYE guy and held on to for difficult times. 

Sharing that b”h I am proud for staying 7 days clean. Continuing to work on my healing journey and staying in touch daily with GYE support system/allies for encouragement. I did a daily check in text in the mornings every day this past week to report whether I stayed kosher the night prior - which was a very helpful system for accountability.