Day 1. Had a hard fall to compulsive lust last night. Feeling pain from the fall and feeling like a low and pitiful failure. Hoping that posting to 90 days+ will help. I find myself staying clean for a few weeks at a time, sometimes less sometimes more, and then a moment of compulsive lust surfaces and i feel helpless and totally overwhelmed by it. Overwhelmed meaning it completely takes over my focus in that moment and i can't refocus and reset myself to think like a clean normal person.

For those who are 90 days+ clean, is it fair to say that the overwhelming state of mind compulsive lust triggers never goes away? When it surfaces, or even starts to surface, how do you deal with it, especially when it continues to hammer back at you? Like a throbbing headache that you simply can't ignore. That's at least how it feels to me when it surfaces, constantly hammering at me and any efforts i make to let it subside.

Hoping to post here regularly as i try to refresh and rest myself on a clean path.

Hey, I am feeling you and am in the same boat. Try the emergency turn off's on the site. Find a book or a kosher movie to get your mind off it. The more you dwell on it the harder it is to fight it. Good luck!

welcome !

the more you work on healing with whichever various methods ,people develop the skills and learn to use tools to help themselves, part of that is learning how to avoid getting into a state of lusting - such as  recognizing the signs of its onset  utilizing effective distractions etc.
Good luck !

Checking back in here. I fell a few days shortly after that post and now I am on day 15.

2 week mark is bringing on anxiety, historically I’ve fallen between week 2 to week 4. I’ve been trying to focus on staying connected to reality, finding joy in spending time with my wife and kids. Reading the daily GYE emails. Not taking the “second look”...putting heavy restrictions and filters on my devices. I know there’s more I can do, but part of me really doesn’t believe in myself. I know I often feel like a failure. I know I haven’t been as committed to a life of Torah and mitzvot as I would have hoped to reach. I know I don’t feel as close to hashem as I would have hoped to be at this stage of my life, and honestly i wouldn’t blame or remotely question hashem for not feeling close to me, a compulsive guy like me who he gives so much to but this guy always loses.

I often feel that there are much better people for hashem to invest in religious connection than me. I know I’m not there for my wife and kids emotionally as much as they would want me to or as much as I really want to be. I know I’m just not as great of a person or even just an OK person as I would have hoped to be. 

Hoping to post again soon and stay focused on not giving into my thoughts/compulsions, and finding joy in what hashem has given me, family/health/job/etc. 

Thank you for sharing your journey here. It's really inspiring to read about people that are striving for recovery.

What you most likely did not realize, is that rule #1 in recovery is Thou shall not beat yourself up - EVER!
You can't improve if you keep on knocking yourself down, it's totally counterproductive. You need heavy doses of chizuk not more guilt.
Recovery is about progress, not perfection. Continue taking the necessary actions of recovery, even small steps but always stay positive. If you think positively you will act positively. Focus on bringing in light into your life, even a small candle brings light into a room that was once completely dark. 

May Hashem give you strength and blessings in all areas of your life.

It is known that Hashem loves the biggest rasha more than we can love the biggest tzaddik. Don't be so hard on yourself, every time you come back here makes you a baal teshuva, on a higher level than a tzaddik!  Keep trying and keep coming back.

brlife101 wrote on 29 May 2018 12:18:

Sorry that you are hurting , what I do find funny is that I often feel  very similar negative thoughts , yet we are likely very  different  ...
what i find that helps me  somewhat is at Modim after you bend down think in your head a specific list of good things you have from Hashem i was told to do this by a rebbi who heard it from his rebbi Rav avigdor miller  

brlife101 wrote on 11 May 2018 10:57:

The overwhelming state of mind can totally go away or be lessened. If you stay away from triggers and also learn that if you’re triggered you can still live and won’t die and don’t have to give in, you’ll see that it can fade.

I used to be unable to deal with being triggered, and I still have my challenges. But it drastically changes when I switched over to realizing that I don’t WANT to act out- that the lying and sneaking and feeling two faced and the betrayal to myself and my wife and the anxiety that compulsion causes- I just don’t want it and don’t like it.

Doesnt mean I’m not very attracted to inappropriately unattired females- it’s just that now the feeling doesn’t say that I have to act on it.

The only way this worked though is by staying out of challenges so that the compulsion wasn’t ever present. 

Thank you for the words of support. I’m at day 17. Avoiding triggers is a big one for me, I am a big sports fan and enjoy watching action tv shows and movies. Obviously these come with triggers. Problem is I haven’t reached a point where I feel I must give these up as part of my path to staying away from lust and compulsion - I know, sounds immature and stupid and not self-honest enough. Most of the time, these forms of enjoyment do not lead to lust. If a bad scene comes on during an action movie for example I usually will look away, fast forward, cover my phone, etc until the scene is over. Same thing with inappropriate commercials during super bowl for example. Then once in a while out of the blue i see something and I can’t shake it and it leads to lust. 

clearly I have a lot of work ahead of me. Hoping to connect to a sponsor I can work with to get to 90 days and beyond. If anyone has ideas or knows someone I can connect to please reach out. 

not a good morning for me. i was at day 25 yesterday and had a fall. i have been very careful about restricting my phone settings so that most internet usage is blocked, but i asked my wife to unlock the restriction the other day so i could purchase something online and i never had her change it back. dumb move by me, week later I had no restrictions as a fence and fell to looking at lust...
need to reset my focus and be much more careful about giving in to triggers and much more careful about keeping careful restrictions at all times on phone, etc. There is much to appreciate in this world and i know my giving in to lust and compulsion is keeping my down

Sorry to hear about the fall. However keep in mind that those 25 days are yours forever. You didnt fall off the mountain you are climbing; you fell in a ditch on the way up. You realize exactly what led you to veer off the marked trail and fall into that ditch, and iyh will take the necessary precautions as you continue. I would just add, based on my own personal experience, that it would be worthwhile to post more often - it keeps us focused. Also reach out and speak with some of the successful people here. The accountability, chizuk, and advice is invaluable. You can either PM or email the chevra here. Hatzlocha.

checking back in here. it's been quite a while, but BH with the help of a friend i connected to through GYE I have reached day 34. i made a difficult decision to delete my internet browser, netflix and amazon-videos, (and any other apps with a browser-back-door) from my phone. the reduced distraction and not being up late at night watching shows/movies has helped me focus on getting a better nights sleep and as a result i have been able to make it to minyanim in the morning (something i hadn't been doing for quite some years). It has not been an easy 34 days and there have been some tough spots along the way. i have been trying to grow up a bit and not hate myself as much. by going through this and making these changes, i have come to realize that i really didn't like myself very much and i think there could be some self-esteem issues there, i think it will continue to take time for those feelings to go away. anyways, tomorrow is a new day so i will celebrate day 34 for now.

 Wow Truly Inspiring 
Kutgw!

brlife101 wrote on 18 Oct 2018 01:53:

If you are having self esteem issues I suggest you read this post of yours every morning upon getting up and every night before going to sleep. With incredible humility you sort of "by the way" informed us of incredible real and sustained changes in your life and in your relationship with Hashem. You removed movie watching from your home. You started davening with minyan. You have taken serious steps to iyh stay clean. Man, you are one humble chaver! Look yourself in the mirror and tell that holy man you see there that he is one special fellow!!! 

Wow, this is amazing and truly inspiring. 

Genuine posts like yours that acknowledge the struggle and how you are triumphing are the best.

Im at Day 66 and this is a great reminder of what were pursuing.

Hatzlacha and keep us posted as much as possible!