BH

I cant believe I am here again.... 
Just got back from a horrible sexual encounter, in truth they are all horrible. 
Let me spell it out, I just saw a prostitute, my wife left town and within the hour she left, despite the early morning, I left my home all the kids were sleeping the oldest almost 13, and met this girl, she robbed me.

I would like to stop this horrible dangerous behavior, I am not sure what to do, I know the path that led me in the past was a complete return to Torah and Mitzvos. 
Please dont send me to 12 step program, I have tried them 3 times in my life they dont work for me, and yes I gave it all I have, I was never closer to killing myself as I were when I went to 12 step program, you can find the statistics yourself, the success rate of AA is in the single digits, SA is much lower. 
I am not putting down what works for others, I just need to focus on something that will make better. 

SO what shall I do, I am giving up porn completely since it leads to visiting prostitutes, I will install a filter on the rest of my computers. 
And I will for the rest of today try to do what G-D wants from me. It's only G-D who can help me. 

Your feedback is always welcome.

Welcome holy bear

Thanks skep for mod'ing

Bear, it sounds like this is the first time you're actually giving up totally on any form of Lust.
Im not running a commercial for SA, but is that possibly the reason why SA didn't help on prior attempts?

Hi and Welcome back Holy bear.

​Thanks for sharing, and thanks for your honesty. I want to wish you lots of success on your road to recovery.

Before i start commenting on what you wrote i want to clarify that I am in SA, and most probably whatever I write is from the eyeglasses of a person that is for today committed to his recovery via SA.

While it may be frustrating trying to recover and not having success in a certain program, I am questioning from where you are taking statistics. Further more, I dont know how we can calculate the success for real. true, there are many within sa that have not succeeded at all or have even fallen, or partially have not succeeded to complete sobriety as in SA definition. However in the fellowship where i attend regular meetings i do find many many that are sober for longer periods. we have many that are sober for over 10 years including one that is sober for 24 years. We have many that are sober more than five years and much more than that we have many that sober for 2 to 3 years. these Sa members are not only sober from their sexual acting out, but even more they are growing daily with something known as EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY. Their life is turning around to the better by the day in many ways. 

Having that said, we need to recognize those that are not sober or long periods, that they also claim much progress. I am referring to friend in program that his acting out included prostitutes and massage parlors. He is currently sober for a bit over a month from masturbation. But he is close to two years away from a prostitute, and close to a year away from watching porn. This person has gained a lot in recovery since he is in SA, and he is coming back again and again and growing constantly.

SA (and so is it with most 12 step groups) does not claim to be the authority for recovery. it is based on attraction. If you want what we have then join us.

I want to add that, I have seen many that have not had success in SA, then they moved to a different fellowship, such as SLA or SAA or SLAA etc and have found to recovery that works for them.

I also want to share, that i heard from a known SA member sober for over 30 years, many times at a workshop and in person, that many people need to do some self cleaning before the 12 steps can work for them. some need therapy, some need to go to rehab. When one sees that he is not being helped through the program he needs to find something to help himself before he can expect it to work for him. sometimes it may include getting on to meds to calm anxiety or take care of ADD. ( I have a friend in program that whenever he stops taking his meds for ADD he relapses.

For me I can say that BH today I am committed to my recovery. If I will see that SA does not work for me, I will do whatever it takes to stay clean and sober and recover. This is a gift from Hashem the willingness I have to stay clean.

I wish you lots of Hatzlacha on your journey to recovery, and please share with us your ups (and downs) so others can be helped as well.

Hi third holy bear,
I am sorry to hear your very sad predicament and that you've had a bad experience with 12 step program. I think installing filters is a great first step, but i think you need something more.
For me, accountability partners has helped tremendously. As i'm sure you know GYE has many other tools that might help (taphistic, 90-day chart, etc.) i am just tellign you what works for me, maybe it's worth a try
If you want to talk further please PM or email(360gye@gmail.com)

BH

​No, I have giving up lust completely in the past. 
While I was attempting to find success in the program I was more depressed than ever, gained weight, neglected family and relationships, and had continuous thoughts of suicide. 
​I had very little sobriety, not more than 3 weeks, I did my best, I wasnt perfect but no one is. Yet many find recovery and serenity. If you couple that with the fact that research shows that success rate i minimal, I have came to serious conclusion that a 12 step program isnt for me. 
What did work for me is a serious following of Torah and Mitzvos, re establishing a healthy relationship with G-D, connecting to the spiritual divine aspect of Torah and Mitzvos. 

Nice. Thanks for sharing.

Can you share how do you plan to connect to the spiritual aspect of torah and mitzvos?

can you share how in the past has it helped you

Welcome Bear. Sorry to hear how much pain and turmoil you have experienced. Do you speak with anyone? A therapist, a fellow GYEer, a rav who deals with these issues?

BH

I did go to a specialized Therapist the best in my city, I asked him to help understand why am I engaged in such dangerous behavior, there is no logical reason, G-D has blessed me with everything I need, though many times he make me have a run for it. 

To answer your question I found Therapy useless. While it made me feel very good at times, it didnt do what I was hoping for it do it, and that is to find the root of the problem and takes steps in healing the root of the problem. 

I have been in touch with many friends local and abroad who are in the program, the thing is as I mentioned here, anyone in the program has only one answer and that is to be in the program, for me right now, I am quite certain that is NOT for me, so here I am looking for someone who found serenity and peace not through going to meetings, I have heard many stories like that, since I have went to meetings I know there is a nice percentage that goes to a meeting or two and doesnt continue, I assume they found peace else where, so tell me where are you? How did you do it? 

I like the concept of giving yourself over to G-D, which is kind of the core of 12 step program, which is Teshuvah as well. 

This is where I would like to be.  

BH

So I live in a place where I cannot go to shul for davening during the week, its up to me to remember to daven, sometimes I forget. 

I don't remember to make brochos before and after I eat etc. all the time. 

Davening helps me remember that there is a creator and supreme power to the world I live in, A father (avinu Malkeynu) who loves me unconditionally. The words in davening have a huge power of healing giving hope and serenity. I find birchos Haschar a huge help. Starting with thanking G-D for returning my soul, recognizing that today G-D need me, G-D return my soul to me because I am his partner. Then thanking G-D for simple things like going to the bathroom. "Elokay Neshomo" is a prayer where I thing for a second about how powerful my nehsomo is despite the horrible things I have done, my soul remains pure and connected with G-D. It reminds me where I should be. 
There other brochos, I try to say them slowly and thank G-D for these simple things, opening of eyes etc. The rooster thing- I always think of my animal soul, that G-D gave us the ability to discern between good and bad. 

I can go on. But that is as far as prayer, I don't always think what I am saying, because I am usually pressed for time, or I am just not mindful. 

The idea I am trying to remember always is what does G-D want from me now? 

Every difficult situation to ask myself where is G-D in this situation? 

You asked what worked in the past? its been a few years, and it was this complete make over, rethinking how I think, and thinking what does G-D want instead of thinking what does Holy bear want.    

Thanks for sharing holy bear.  May you be blessed with serenity sobriety recovery, and all you need.

BH

thank you Lomed. 

While I was able to meet someone today and actually I left my jacket by her and needed to pick it up, I didnt do anything else. 
I did watch P. for probably 20 min. in the early am. And thats it. In the past it was non stop. 

so I am hoping this little progress is big progress. 

Today I has a pocket filled of cash, my babysitter was home and my wife is away like I wrote, I didnt go and meet a .... 

So thats that. And I pray that G-D shall continue to give me the strength to over come this terrible issue.

You are making steps in the right direction. FYI i do not participate in 12 steps (although they seem to have a lot to offer), but i have noshed a bit from the mehalech. Either way, stay connected with the chevra here. It works.

Third holy bear wrote on 26 Oct 2017 20:27:

20 minutes porn a day was often enough for me b4 gye.
Is what you did today the max you're aiming for?

btw you live in polar / no minyan land because that's where you job is?

thank you so much. 
Its good to hear that there is hope. 

BH

You ask what am I aiming for? 
For now is stopping to hook up. and reduce my porn activity. 
In the past this has happened. 
Do I want it to stop completely? Sure. 
But for now this will do.