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Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah!
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A recent scientific study shows that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong! See www.guardyoureyes.com/tools/90-day-chart.

TOPIC: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 10084 Views

Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 18 Aug 2017 00:10 #318937

  • Needtoclearmyhead
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First round of 90 days.
First week I was busy plus I came here 2 or 3 times to stop myself and change the subject
Today I tried to come here but I just quickly rushed to porn....
when you try to post that you blew it asked for why and what are you going to do about it.
as if I know.
That is why I am here.
so,
why did I do it.
A) Stressed Out,
B ) No Sleep
C) Just wanted to stop stopping.
D) Taivas Nashim
E) Escape real life
F) there is more but its not coming to me now that I calmed down
it went so fast. I wanted to come here first but YH said just check Drudge for a second first, just on the way, then entertainment news, then seeya straight into the toilet.
Last Edit: 18 Aug 2017 00:11 by Needtoclearmyhead.

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 18 Aug 2017 00:14 #318938

  • Needtoclearmyhead
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I kind of thought, once I committed to 90 days it will be easy
I figured I wouldn't do it if I had to announce it.
Then on the way into the porn spiral I decided I could just not post it and who cares...
Just need it now....
Try rationalizing between a drunk and his bottle...

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 18 Aug 2017 00:49 #318941

  • Markz
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Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 18 Aug 2017 00:14:
I kind of thought, once I committed to 90 days it will be easy
I figured I wouldn't do it if I had to announce it.
Then on the way into the porn spiral I decided I could just not post it and who cares...
Just need it now....
Try rationalizing between a drunk and his bottle...

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Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 18 Aug 2017 01:20 #318944

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Need to be able to say shma with my eyes closed and not see porn.
Need to be able to spend time with my kids and not be thinking when can I get away to watch something.
Need to be able to have a conversation with a woman from work and not conjure up crazy scenarios in my head. In my head sometimes everything equals sex.
Staying away from women just gives me fantasies with men.
I need to just slow it down.
I've been there before for months or years at a time.
But lately I'm too deep to see the way out.
This is the last stop.
I had a relative die and a relative in the hospital and I'm still a bad person.
I thought these things would change me for the better.
A year of aveilus just made it worse.
I need to get back to a normal or even just below average spiritual life.

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 18 Aug 2017 01:29 #318945

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Markz wrote on 18 Aug 2017 00:49:

I like your username. What is in your head?

I wanted to use a name like Yetzer hara's little B!tc#
available to him whenever he calls. even when I am desperate for a little Yiddishkeit.
I just saw everyone has these upbeat names.
Maybe I will get there but definitely not there now

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 18 Aug 2017 01:34 #318947

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Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 18 Aug 2017 01:29:

Markz wrote on 18 Aug 2017 00:49:

I like your username. What is in your head?


I wanted to use a name like Yetzer hara's little B!tc#
available to him whenever he calls. even when I am desperate for a little Yiddishkeit.
I just saw everyone has these upbeat names.
Maybe I will get there but definitely not there now

I hate myself for what I did.
I hate myself for letting me get this far in the toilet.
I could have been somebody. instead wasting years of hours watching filth.
Even straight through davening mincha. sometimes till 4 in the morning.
My wife tells people I work so hard.
she should only know.

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 18 Aug 2017 01:37 #318948

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I actually thought this stupid 90 day thing would work...
I'm going to sign off before I say something that will ruin it for someone else.
Good night

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 18 Aug 2017 02:58 #318950

  • dms1234
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whoah whoah! I think you do need slow down! In my experience the 90 day chart wont help me. Its not really a tool to use by its self. Its just a sort of remembrance or motivation to be sober but thats not going to help me be sober. I reminded myself many times to try to be sober and it never helped. My willpower never helped me. 

Does anyone know of your struggles? A Rav or therapist? Could you approach someone? Speak about whats going on in your life?
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 18 Aug 2017 17:35 #318966

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Welcome needtoclear. You have come to a good place. As was mentioned, you probably would benefit greatly by speaking to someone about this. You are not alone. Many people suffer silently feeling like losers/reshaim/hypocrites - the only ones "doing this", when in reality they are going through a challenge many good people experience. And it can be helped. Keep posting. Hatzlocha. 
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 20 Aug 2017 16:56 #319005

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Thank you for your replies.
No I'm not going to speak to someone.
I don't have that person and not ready to start with therapy or anything that intensive.
I am however going to keep trying with just old fashioned "white knuckling" as they call it.
I think until I slow things down I can't begin to work on the core issues
at the same time, I would like to know,
People talk about finding triggers and avoiding them or actual causes of why I am so perverted.
Outside of professional therapy how can I find this information?
What other tools can I use to actually stop needing to act out and to mitigate my impulses so that I may have the strength to control them.

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 20 Aug 2017 17:36 #319006

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Welcome!
You sound like you're just beginning here. You sound like a really good guy who REALLY wants to be clean!
How about reading the GYE handbook?
Or the Dov Quotes thread guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/124072-Dov-Quotes 

If you stick around and keep working, you can find success!
Hatzlacha
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Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 20 Aug 2017 18:22 #319010

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trysohard wrote on 20 Aug 2017 17:36:
Welcome!
You sound like you're just beginning here. You sound like a really good guy who REALLY wants to be clean!


So,
Starting round 3 today
I came here and shmoozed hoping to push it off.
an hour later i typed so fast before I could stop it.
I even spelled it wrong and went back and fixed it.
That was rishus not just flash impulse
I need something better than just a chart for 90 days.
Especially now that I blew it twice so its not as "embarrassing" anymore to admit.
I can't say I'm much better than last week before I created a username.
at least I didn't go for broke once I did it.
just quick straight to the point and boom. 10 minutes.
not 3 rounds in 4 hours
I would still hit 30 days before RH so that's an incentive.
So I can maybe say I made a half hearted attempt so I could con myself a good year.

I looked at Dov's quotes, TY
However random out of context chizuk is not enough for me to get started.
I need something more structured.
Most of the phone things are in the morning which doesn't work for me.
I am going to sign up to look for a sponsor.

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 20 Aug 2017 18:54 #319014

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Needtoclearmyhead wrote on 20 Aug 2017 18:22:
I even spelled it wrong and went back and fixed it.
That was rishus not just flash impulse



I'm going to make an admission here which I will probably go back and erase at some point but in the spirit of putting it all out there, Being honest, 12 steps, etc etc
Just something I realized whilst reading one of Dov's posts.
All this "you're great" "at least your trying" "its a disease its not by choice" blah blah
it makes me vomit.
(it may be true about others, so bemechilas kvoidcha)
In my case it is bullsh!#
I watch porn because I like it.
I read erotica because I like that even more.
I like the fantasy, the disconnect from reality.
The albiet "fake" but perfect girls with perfect crazy scenerios.
I like it better than sex. I like it better than eating, sleeping , learning, davening, or anything else I can think of.
As someone once repeated to me from a chosson shmooze, "Just because you watched NASCAR doesn't mean you know how to drive. or that it is even remotely similar"
But as someone who likes to live in my fantasy head, I guess I would rather watch NASCAR than drive a nice car myself.
in my stupid (insert expletive here) over-imaginative mind I can totally visualize the whole thing and its like I'm there.

Real sex is like making love. Porn is violent, animalistic, primal, base.
My heart lusts that.
Not "oinah" as wonderful as it may (sometimes) be.
Maybe I would appreciate it more if not for my first love, Porn.

I only wish to stop it because of the guilt, the way it distracts me from things that are not only more important but crucial for my Spiritual, Financial, Marital, Paternal life.

Because it is too much.
But what about if I get it (if such a thing is possible) to a Manageable level.
Why is going to stop me then. Yiras Hashem hasn't worked for 20+ years.
What can I possibly do when I finish 90 days.

I still want porn. I always want porn.
How can I make that stop??
Is that even possible.

Sorry just venting.
But please don't tell me how wonderful I am.
That is counter productive.
I am a total POS today.
Maybe I will figure this out at some point.
But for now I want to watch more than I want to stop.
As much as my brain screams stop, that last 3,4 days max.
this has been ongoing cycle for a few years now.
Last Edit: 20 Aug 2017 18:58 by Needtoclearmyhead. Reason: Typos, Grammer

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 20 Aug 2017 18:57 #319015

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Yep.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Round 1, Blew it in 7.5 Blah! 20 Aug 2017 19:10 #319017

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People at times talk about an awesome steak, skiing, beautiful view, fancy hotels, flying first class, nice cars, or even great chizuk shmooze, sharp pilpul, or dehoibeneh shalosh sheedis or tish.
All that doesn't really interest me if it doesn't involve naked women.
They think I'm a bit of a porush/cheapskate/spoil-sport.
you don't appreciate nice things?!?
you're a tzaddik/loser/clueless (depending who is talking about what)
I just like sex better. ( I don't announce this)
Does that make me an addict? or just I have a taste for sex instead of food or what have you.
since before my Bar Mitzva this is all I wanted.
If I even fix it, then what?
will life suck?
will I all of a sudden want expensive steak or to hear pilpul/hisoirurus?
Or will I just hate my life until I fall into a porn wormhole and breathe.
Last Edit: 20 Aug 2017 19:11 by Needtoclearmyhead.
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