Chaimel wrote on 15 May 2017 04:28:

Super! Continued hatzlocha. Stay in touch.

Maybe I can shed some light as I have just recently been through this part (getting married soon IMY'H). Not to say that I am an authority on this matter at all (definetly not) just sharing some of what I went through in the hopes that it will be of some use.

I found that the key is working on lust. Don't lust. This means if a thought comes to mind, dismiss it an move on. If you see something inappropriate or triggering, (and you didn't set yourself up to see it. Meaning that you took some reasonable precaution to avoid it; ie. watching your eyes, filters, etc... And yes no one is an angel so don't rate yourself against perfection) then just dismiss it. Use the three second rule. and remember: The first look is on God the second look is on me. (obviously referring to inadvertent seeing)

If you cling onto these thoughts and sights then that is lo sosuru and is lusting after them. The lust is the ikar. I found when dating that if I was in a sober mind and focusing on her and our developing relationship then I was good. (davening too doesn't hurt of course ) When I was in a lusting seeking mode then dating was very challenging. I guess you have to know yourself. That is my experience for the initial and mid stages of dating. After the engagement I think has it's own challenges (or dimensions of the same challenge. I'd be happy to PM about it with you) Don't worry about that though. Just take it one day at a time and focus on her needs and the relationship and the rest will come. 

just sharing hope it was of some use to someone. Happy to clarify anything that wasn't clear.

Hatzlacha and just keep it up.

Oh and just to clarify.

you can be very into her without lusting after her. Do you like when she smiles? Do you like her personality. What are 10 things (you can write them on a piece of paper and not on the forum if you like. In fact that may be prefereable) that you can describe about her that are very specific that you like about her (ie. you can give an example of them. eg. something she did that demonstrates X. not just that she is a baalas chessed or something generic)

(its not a balance thing so much. Try to remove the lust, and appreciate the attraction. )

Do you miss her when she is not around? do you feel pumped after a good date? 



What do you lust about her all day? thinking about her or thinking about her body?

Before posting these two posts I thought I should just shut my mouth and let other more wise people who are married speak. but nevertheless here are my thoughts. If they are not relevant please ignore them.

Thanks Tzedek!
i guess technically this should be a challenge for any married man

Chaimel wrote on 15 May 2017 22:03:

You hit the nail on the head!

Learn from the past, change the future. 
Forward thinking moto.

Still here, sorry for disappearing. I'm trying to stop overemphasizing on this area while working on it generally. This seem to keep things off my mind instead of constantly thinking about it. Rocking it out bh. Thank you hashem for everything especially GYE!

Chaimel wrote on 26 May 2017 02:05:

And if I may add
THANK YOU GYE FOR EVERYTHING ESPECIALLY HASHEM

Shavua tov brothers!
bh still trucking along! Long distance dating is a killer!!!
Still rocking the night tzitzis.

Happy you are doing so well. May Hashem help you keep it up.

Chaimel wrote on 28 May 2017 05:19:

Dating via skype?
Thats a new one
Which chassidus is this

Markz wrote on 28 May 2017 05:39:

Markz, You need to retake Chassidus 101, I will test you on it.
Chassidim aren't supposed to use skype.
Chassidim aren't supposed to date.
Ever heard of the term "beshow"?
What is new about this concept, Do you want I should list out the top 10 dating apps? (If I can slip it through the moderator)

Markz wrote on 28 May 2017 05:39:

Skype ain't a bad idea only it's a lot less personal, I guess I'll suggest it if things get to toug.
the tzitzis was an idea I had at my last fall not a chassidus thing, but if you want you can be the rebbe and I'll refer to you in 3rd person! 

lionking wrote on 28 May 2017 08:15:

Our chassidus is called GYE 

Checking in
bh doing well, just deleted one of my most used apps cuz I found junk through it  figured I should post about that here