Ihavestrength wrote on 07 Sep 2017 01:18:

Sounds like a guy I know.

Day 50, I think: Adequate sleep is important.  

Day 51: I like writing the day because it gives structure to my posts. I legit have nothing to write about nowadays. Why did I commit to writing everyday till 90?!

Day 52: Touched myself quite a bit on shabbos. Must resume joining the phone conferences.  

Gut Voch!

Ihavestrength wrote on 10 Sep 2017 01:53:

PSA: Anyone who has a desire to stop lusting can join the SA phone calls. You do not need to be a sexaholic to be on the phone calls. You don't even need to be a sexaholic to be in SA. The only requirement is a desire to stop lusting. If the GYE calls aren't working or the time isn't at an opportune time, one can always go on the SA phone calls. Here's the link: http://saphonemeeting.org/index

Broke my taphsic. Going to be tough to fulfill this taphsic.  Looked at what I shouldn't. Just installed these expensive filters that seem to be quite professional. Gentech.

Day 53: I'm back in the game. I can do this. I need to do a serious re-evaluation. However, I gotta wait till my head clears. For now, going to read the chizuk email tomorrow without cynicism. Maybe believing that it has some message for me. Wow, I wish I could bottle up this horrible feeling that comes from taking an action of lust. I was feeling bad before I took the action of lust, but now I feel even worse. It doesn't go away too quick either. 

I think I need to sit down right now and write a list of my qualities. To explain to myself that even though I'm not perfect, I'm not worthless either. 

Maybe a gratitude list too, to stop the self pity.

There is also some weird feeling that I feel like I got away with something. The feeling that I deserve something bad to happen to me now. Feeling like I deserve to be exposed for who I really am.

But do I really deserve that? Aren't I trying trying my best, doing what I can? Do I deserve to be shamed for that? Am I lesser than anyone else? Does anyone have a right to judge me? 

I reached out a lot for support today. Thankfully there are some wonderful people who helped in every way they could. Truth is though, no one is all powerful to erase the past.

I know a little something about living in the moment. I can do it if I try. I feel guilty for doing it though. I feel like I need to think about the past and plan to rectify my mistakes. I don't have a right to just not think about it. But honestly I have done everything I could possibly do to rectify what I did. 

I called 3-4 and shared exactly what I did. I posted here to be current and honest with those who read my thread. I confessed my sin before Hashem, regretted it and promised never to repeat it. (We say slach lanu 3 times a day it's ok.) 

I cried. I made a decision to vamp up my recovery efforts. Won't fully formulate my plan till tomorrow, when my head will hopefully work a bit better than it is now. 

Why am I not allowed or worthy to just move on. I think I am. I can't make a plan now. I'll make a plan tomorrow. For now, I'm just gonna live in the moment.

anyone know how many posts you need to be a platinum boarder?

300?

I may have helped someone today, maybe that made it worth it a bit.

darn, i guess you need more than 300. It's funny how our lives are so significant to us, when there are 7 billion people out there who don't even know you exist. Also, in one hundred years you and everyone you know will likely be dead. 

Day 54: Today is 54 days since I've masturbated. I also went 52 days without looking at porn. Then, two nights ago I looked at porn. 

Why did I do it you ask? Many reasons I think. Many dumb reasons.

Do you want to hear one of them?

"I'm installing a filter so I should "chap arein" and take a look while I can."

("Yes,  I actually installed the filter right after.") 


Here's another reason why I felt it was ok for me to look at porn two nights ago:

My regular way of acting out is masturbation, sometimes with porn accompanying it. Looking at porn without masturbating is a relatively new behavior for me. I'm very familiar with the feelings of withdrawal and depression that masturbation causes me to feel. However, the withdrawal felt from just looking at porn is a much newer feeling for me. I almost didn't realize it would make me feel so bad. In fact, the reason I decided to look at porn,  rather than going and just masturbating, was because I thought that I could look, and walk away feeling fine. 

Boy, was I wrong! I was a complete shell of myself the next day. Even today, I have not fully recovered from the feelings of withdrawal. I've lost my confidence and have become terribly timid. 

All of this from looking at a few pictures! 

Lastly, I'd like to write about something that some people will perhaps find controversial.

I think I also risk upsetting some people, and maybe even losing some friends. Nonetheless, I feel compelled to speak of what's on my heart. 

I think that the 12 steps and their accompanying ideologies have helped me before. I also think that they have harmed me. 

I think in many ways the the steps are an affront to the basic dignity of man. 

(More so the culture of 12 step groups, than the steps themselves.) 

I hear one prominent member of S.A. state often, "I'm a recovering pervert".

If they don't call themselves perverts they call themselves "sexaholics." 

They can't stop talking about character defects, and how that's the cause of addiction. I however, choose to think I'm not so much worse than anyone else, with regards to my defects. Of course I have defects, but don't we all?! 

The common denominator between all these names and concepts, is that they express belief in the existence of intrinsic flaws within the person. The sexaholics seems himself as lesser than other men, at least in regards to lust...

These flaws are not seen as a temporary state. Once an addict, always an addict, is the accepted belief. This counters basic truths of the brain's neuroplasticity, amongst challenging some other common sense assumptions.  

I choose to believe that while I may do some perverted things that doesn't make me a pervert. Certainly not forever. 

I was in school and therefore I was a student. That doesn't mean I'll be considered a student forever! 

(Although I must admit, those student discounts were nice.)

P.S I write "They" in this post when talking about 12 step fellowship members. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm trying to belittle anyone. I bear no animus towards any members of these fellowships. I'm not looking to pick a fight, but I think I'm entitled to a belief that doesn't include thinking of myself as diseased. 

P.P.S Please don't counter this post with the asinine statement that the 12 steps are for addicts, and if I feel I don't need them, than I'm not an addict. 

I am an addict. I sure as hell don't think I'll be one forever though. 


Peace

Brother, the 13th step is to step aside and allow others to do what works for them. if not considering yourself a pervert is what you prefer, I think you should follow that - I also don't think you're a  perv

The word addict is bantered around a lot, but as dov says often (listen to him) it's not defined by halachic terms. Sex addiction is like drug addiction. Can you easily stop? Or are you out of control on a regular basis when confronted?

Maybe you're not an addict after all - like most of us

Again people mix issues and think only addicts need 12 steps, when it actually benefits many others too if they are willing. Ask yesod and others

KOP!
No not porning...

Hi Markz, I really appreciate you responding. Just want to get that out there. I also appreciate that you don't think I'm a perv  

With regards to your point about being an addict: I actually think I am an addict. I've 
based this decision on hearing about the psychological experiences of addicts and finding that I relate very much to their experiences. (Incidentally, dov's experiences in particular.)

However, I don't think SA had a monopoly on defining what an addict is. Particularly, regarding their eternal designation of the title "sexaholic" to anyone who is currently addicted to sexual behaviors. 

They use a very clever marketing technique. If you are an addict... Then you need the 12 steps. If you say you don't need the steps, than you are not an addict. So you clearly don't find it so hard to stop, and are just being an idiot. 

This faulty logic ignores the possibility that I can be an addict as defined by Merriam Webster, "to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively", but not be labeled a "sexaholic or "pervert" for life, nor be labeled powerless for eternity. 

My issue with the 12 step fellowships is solely how they consciously/unconsciously disempower people from taking control of their life. 

Peace

Please show me these marketing things I never heard of them before
Everything is suggestions anyone who knows what they are talking about in the 12 steps does not push for them and at most will only suggest them as an idea...