Day 48: Trying not to make my life about staying clean. Dov is so right when he says an addicts problem is not staying sober, it's real life. I listened to the recording of Dov's call today about bein hazmanim. He spoke about how having low self esteem many times comes from having an inflated ego. When you think I'm shayich/deserve to be so great it's depressing when reality doesn't match up. This is so me. Not so much about being a tzadik or talmid chochom, as in the example he brings, but in other areas. 

(for clarification this next part is my own hogwash) 
BTW even if you think you're shayich to true greatness or success in any given area, you won't achieve it by thinking you're great. The ones who become great don't think they're so great. So they work hard to get better, they practice... This is a logic for those who are scared that abandoning their dreams and fantasies will mean they won't accomplish anything. Quite the opposite indeed. 

We live in a culture of exceptionalism, but you don't need to let it ruin your mental health. It's your choice really... Hold on to your fantasies or accept reality. I believe reality can be beautiful, although I must admit I'm still looking. 

Your "hogwash" is gadlus. Thanks for the post, very helpful.

Day 49: Had a "half" wet dream last night. I woke up in middle. Felt a little scary, because it felt so real. I thought I had given up/fell. These dreams are really annoying. But hey, better than acting out my lust for sure. 

Ignore wet dreams completely. Onais. Have a great clean comfortable Shabbos and may Hashem spare you from nighttime discomforts.

Hatzlacha!! Ihavenostrength has quite a lot of it.

Oh. and wet dreams mean absolutely nothing at this point so long as we weren't lusting during the day. Just take it in stride (which you did magnificently ) and have a great shabbos!!!

Day 50: When you start putting some distance between yourself and Insanity​, you don't expect life be going great. After all, you're quite new to the whole life thing anyways.

Gratitude. Gratitude for being given a chance to live.

This shabbos I was lucky enough that something clicked for me. The whole "don't be so humble you're not so great thing". (Check out my post from day 48 for more about that.) 

Many times I feel self-conscious. I used to think it was because I genuinely thought I wasn't that great. Low self esteem or whatever. In reality though, I think way too highly of myself. I give myself credit for things I haven't even done. Merely by thinking I could do them. Like become a talmid chochom, a great musician... whatever. Ok, so I'm​ not really any of those, so I feel sad/low self esteem. 

Now I realized, that maybe I do think I'm not great right now. But really, as in the real me or whatever, I think I could be amazing.

Maybe you're reading this and thinking that this sounds like healthy ambition. Well, it's not. This is the worst for me. I'm most healthy when I view myself as I am. Most confident too. 

Ironically, having such dreams stunts my growth. For subconsciously I think I'm already great!

Obviously if you ask me point blank, I won't tell you I'm amazing, I'd say "no, I'm not that great all", and I would mean it. 

(I can be rational after all, hence the endless pontificating of addicts, closing with some nice masturbation.) 

But, inside I'm thinking I could be so great, which the subconscious treats as, "I'm already great"! 

Do you know why? It's because the mind doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality.

That's why when I have sex with myself it's so beautiful.

Yes, I said beautiful. Heck, I'll throw in pleasurable and meaningful too. 

Yes, painful, soul sucking, and mind altering for the worse, but beautiful. 


(Realized after I wrote this that sex with myself is "real" and not just fantasy. However, I still like what I wrote even though it's not relevant, so I decided to leave it. You can substitute​ "fantasizing about naked women" for "sex with myself" if you'd like.) 

Ok, back to the point though. Having these dreams/fantasies of being great encourages me not to work to become better.

Whatever... Unfortunately, my "metaphorical hand" is too weak to write clearly and my mind is super lazy to organize my thoughts. But hey, maybe I'll get lucky and this will come out as clear writing. 

Gut voch! 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 02 Apr 2017 04:02:

You should write with a pen. Your post was missing the point 

Don't know if you're joking but you're actually right.

I wrote "ok back the point" and then I never actually "finished the point". 

The "point is" that arrogance can masquerade as humility and low self esteem. More specifically, it does so in my life. 

(The point was not that it "encourages me not to work hard to become better", that was tangential.) 

Sry, obviously you were serious and merely expressed yourself in a humourous manner. I'm tired I guess

#ihavenoclue

Struggling now, but I'm determined to beat my record (16days) I'll neat it by Tuesday bi'ezras Hashem

I wrote that for chizuk

Day 51: )"A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. 


Ten points if you can tell me what's wrong with this sentence. Hint: I put it in italics. 

Suggestion: Subsitute find themselves with "are".

You are 100% correct. However maybe they wrote it in lighter terms to make someone who found the site be more comfortable with joining. Once here, people learn we have to be super honest and work hard.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 02 Apr 2017 18:55:

spoilers much?