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Bb0212's road...
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Bb0212's road... 59279 Views

Re: Bb0212's road... 20 Mar 2018 18:55 #328650

  • bb0212
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lionking wrote on 20 Mar 2018 03:27:
Your post sounds like you really do care.
It sounded more like an SOS call than like a parade tooting their horns.

You were there for me in the past, and I really appreciate it. Would you like to chat? My email has changed. You can pm for details.

I fell twice last week. However I just looked at the 90 day dairy and noticed that since when I started to properly keep track on Apr. 23 this past year, I've had 302 cumulative clean days. I'm not trying to toot my horn. It was people like you and others who have been very helpful to me.

I've had periods like you describe, which I felt like I don't care if I fall. However, life's got it's up's and down's. Don't let the down's get you.

Hatzlocha Rabba!

Yup, you're spot on, it's an SOS. 

At the end of the day it's up to me, I get that. I thought I wanted to stop, maybe not, not really sure where I stand. Dunno where the motivation will come from. 
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 20 Mar 2018 19:13 #328651

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I think that we always want to stop, but sometimes we want other things more than our want to stop.

I think it is important to realize this seemingly small distinction.

If this is true, than we have to address why we would want other things more...

Re: Bb0212's road... 21 Mar 2018 05:07 #328673

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bb0212 wrote on 20 Mar 2018 01:43:
Been falling multiple times all week... Dunno if I really care...

If you didnt care you would not have posted buddy!
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Bb0212's road... 25 Mar 2018 20:38 #328923

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Hashem Help Me wrote on 21 Mar 2018 05:07:

bb0212 wrote on 20 Mar 2018 01:43:
Been falling multiple times all week... Dunno if I really care...


If you didnt care you would not have posted buddy!

Good point. The issue is (I believe) not that I don't care about anything in the world, rather, that I don't care for the "right reasons". 

When masturbating gets in the way of my life, when I stay up till the wee hours of the morning to look at porn, it's exceedingly clear to me that I'm behaving in a dysfunctional and destructive manner. Therefore,, I decide that the porn & masturbation is interfering with life, and thus, I must stop.

However, after a month or so, when I crave that pleasure, I try it again. And I can last for quite a while without sleeping enough. Ok, I'll come to work a bit late, but it's not that bad.

Meanwhile, the reason that I should be stopping has nothing to do with work or sleep. It's because it's bad for me. But I don't know how much I care about that. After all, if I cared about it, would I still be sinning???
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 26 Mar 2018 01:00 #328936

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Bb0212, what an honest post! thank you!true, if we could only not porn or mb notONLY because it will bring dysfunction to our lives, but ALSO because it is wrong and not good for us , then in a time where it seems that porn and mb wont disrupt our livesbut the the thought of its wrong still remains that would be mamash a hatzala! do you have a suggestion perhaps how we can increase our awareness that without the dysfunction reason , its wrong and not good for us ?i would appreciate it! hatzlacha!

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Re: Bb0212's road... 26 Mar 2018 04:32 #328943

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ieeyc wrote on 26 Mar 2018 01:00:
Bb0212, what an honest post! thank you!true, if we could only not porn or mb notONLY because it will bring dysfunction to our lives, but ALSO because it is wrong and not good for us , then in a time where it seems that porn and mb wont disrupt our livesbut the the thought of its wrong still remains that would be mamash a hatzala! do you have a suggestion perhaps how we can increase our awareness that without the dysfunction reason , its wrong and not good for us ?i would appreciate it! hatzlacha!

No, I don't know the answer, it a real shame. 
Btw, that's why I wrote that I don't know if I care. Caring only because it's dysfunctional isn't caring about not doing the wrong thing. It's caring because I care about my desires and there are conflicting desires, therefore, I have to pick one side - in this case either continue porn & masturbation or stop it and go to sleep. But I want to care about God and I want that to be the reason that I stop. But apparently I don't actually care, which is hurtful to type. But if I cared, wouldn't I succeed more? Wouldn't I succeed at all??
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 May 2018 09:12 #331390

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Hi there.
Is been a long time since I stopped in over here.
Been a constant fall for months now.
I also have great difficulty davening - when I daven. This started before my current masturbation streak, so I can't directly tie one to the other. Of course it is possible that all the masturbation is wrapping darkness around my soul and that's the reason for the difficulty in davening.

That's all for now.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 May 2018 09:30 #331391

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bb0212 wrote on 27 May 2018 09:12:
Hi there.
Is been a long time since I stopped in over here.
Been a constant fall for months now.
I also have great difficulty davening - when I daven. This started before my current masturbation streak, so I can't directly tie one to the other. Of course it is possible that all the masturbation is wrapping darkness around my soul and that's the reason for the difficulty in davening.

That's all for now.

Hey. Sorry to hear you're going through that.
Perhaps it's the reverse? That you can't bear all the darkness wrapped around your soul, so you turn to masturbation to escape. Just a thought. That's how it is with me, I think.

May God give you strength and clarity. Keep comin back.

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 May 2018 09:41 #331392

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bb0212 wrote on 20 Mar 2018 18:55:
Yup, you're spot on, it's an SOS. 

At the end of the day it's up to me, I get that. I thought I wanted to stop, maybe not, not really sure where I stand. Dunno where the motivation will come from.

I recently came across this article, maybe it can help with the motivation.  G-d knows I'm not there yet, but ODAAT!   
guardyoureyes.com/12-step/item/what-dov-does-when-he-s-bored-2

השלך על השם יהבך והוא יכלכלך
wannabefree613@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 May 2018 23:22 #331417

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lifebound wrote on 27 May 2018 09:30:

bb0212 wrote on 27 May 2018 09:12:
Hi there.
Is been a long time since I stopped in over here.
Been a constant fall for months now.
I also have great difficulty davening - when I daven. This started before my current masturbation streak, so I can't directly tie one to the other. Of course it is possible that all the masturbation is wrapping darkness around my soul and that's the reason for the difficulty in davening.

That's all for now.

Hey. Sorry to hear you're going through that.
Perhaps it's the reverse? That you can't bear all the darkness wrapped around your soul, so you turn to masturbation to escape. Just a thought. That's how it is with me, I think.

May God give you strength and clarity. Keep comin back.

How does one go about removing the darkness around his soul ? I've been trying to figure that out for a while now ...

Re: Bb0212's road... 27 May 2018 23:35 #331419

  • cordnoy
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i-man wrote on 27 May 2018 23:22:

lifebound wrote on 27 May 2018 09:30:

bb0212 wrote on 27 May 2018 09:12:
Hi there.
Is been a long time since I stopped in over here.
Been a constant fall for months now.
I also have great difficulty davening - when I daven. This started before my current masturbation streak, so I can't directly tie one to the other. Of course it is possible that all the masturbation is wrapping darkness around my soul and that's the reason for the difficulty in davening.

That's all for now.

Hey. Sorry to hear you're going through that.
Perhaps it's the reverse? That you can't bear all the darkness wrapped around your soul, so you turn to masturbation to escape. Just a thought. That's how it is with me, I think.

May God give you strength and clarity. Keep comin back.

How does one go about removing the darkness around his soul ? I've been trying to figure that out for a while now ...

By focusin' on light.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Bb0212's road... 28 May 2018 00:26 #331423

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Hi Bb0212,
long time didn't see you here.... (maybe because im not here that often, nah!!) Im soory for you, i know how it feels, but dont worry, thats why you and we are here, its the best place on earth, question is, why didn't you come here earlier  so we can help you right away?
anyway, thats part of the game, we all have a huge YH, and he is not sleeping, he will let you stay clean for a loooooong time, and then, boooms, traaaach, a huge fall, but dont let your self be dragged from him, you can do it, just pick yourself up and march forward, all of your falls are not separate falls, but its all one long fall, and now tell your self enough is enough, start from fresh, as soldiers for Hashem's army we wont let you down on the battlefield  lets run together....
waiting to hear from you good news, do it for us...

Lets focus on Today only, because “The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now” and remember “Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing”

Thank you
My email:jacdoja@gmail.com
My threads: my long נסיעה of almost 30 years ~ My Book of Business ~ My Upcoming Dilemma

להטות לבבנו אליו ללכת בכל דרכיו ולשמר מצותיו וחקיו ומשפטיו אשר צוה את אבתינו
כי עיקר מציאות האדם בעה"ז הוא רק לקיים מצות ולעמד בניסיון,  והנאות העולם אין ראוי שיהו לו אלא לעזר ולסיוע בלבד לשיהיה לו נחת רוח ויישוב הדעת למען יוכל לפנות לבו אל העבודה הזאת מסילת ישרים

Re: Bb0212's road... 28 May 2018 05:35 #331440

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i-man wrote on 27 May 2018 23:22:

lifebound wrote on 27 May 2018 09:30:

bb0212 wrote on 27 May 2018 09:12:
Hi there.
Is been a long time since I stopped in over here.
Been a constant fall for months now.
I also have great difficulty davening - when I daven. This started before my current masturbation streak, so I can't directly tie one to the other. Of course it is possible that all the masturbation is wrapping darkness around my soul and that's the reason for the difficulty in davening.

That's all for now.

Hey. Sorry to hear you're going through that.
Perhaps it's the reverse? That you can't bear all the darkness wrapped around your soul, so you turn to masturbation to escape. Just a thought. That's how it is with me, I think.

May God give you strength and clarity. Keep comin back.

How does one go about removing the darkness around his soul ? I've been trying to figure that out for a while now ...



First of all, stop adding to the darkness.
Then teshuva takes away the klipos. A klipa is a peel. The way I understand it, the neshama is absolute light. It's beautiful and warm. When we sin, we cover the light with a peel of darkness. The more we sin, the thicker the darkness surrounding our neshama. The thicker the darkness, the more difficult it is to connect to our neshama.

So why, why why why, do I continue bringing darkness onto my life?
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 28 May 2018 10:51 #331446

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bb0212 wrote on 28 May 2018 05:35:

First of all, stop adding to the darkness.
Then teshuva takes away the klipos. A klipa is a peel. The way I understand it, the neshama is absolute light. It's beautiful and warm. When we sin, we cover the light with a peel of darkness. The more we sin, the thicker the darkness surrounding our neshama. The thicker the darkness, the more difficult it is to connect to our neshama.

So why, why why why, do I continue bringing darkness onto my life?

Hi BB,

Sorry to hear about your struggles. I pray you should be successful this time around. Can I make a suggestion to listen to Cord' He usually knows what he is talking about.
cordnoy wrote on 27 May 2018 23:35:
By focusin' on light.

Perhaps don't focus so much on stopping to add to the darkness, first fovus on Asei Tov.

Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 30 May 2018 19:35 #331549

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My sister just gave birth to a really cute little boy.

Last year, she gave birth to a little girl, the girl died soon after.

The boy was taken to the NICU for monitoring. I'm terrified of what may happen.

BN I'm going to be clean for 90 days from today, please Hashem, shower happy news down upon us! Please, give a refuah shelaima to this innocent little boy.

You don't need me to stay clean to change anything in this world. You owe us nothing. I should be clean regardless. But I'm asking you, Abba, please take this zechus of the next 90 days of שמירת עניים ושמירת הברית and send it all to this נשמה טהורה.

Anybody reading this, feel free to take on something yourself. Smile to somebody today. Smile to yourself!
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.
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