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Bb0212's road...
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Bb0212's road... 59094 Views

Re: Bb0212's road... 31 Jul 2017 05:28 #318098

  • bb0212
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While chatting with another GYE member, he asked me a question: What inspires you to be clean?
 The problem is I can't figure out why I'm so interested in doing this. My first answer was because it's the right thing to do, but on the other hand, going to minyan is the right thing to do & I don't do that. Hmmmm
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 31 Jul 2017 22:04 #318140

What is inspires me to stay clean is that it's necessary for me to live the good life. Not sufficient, but necessary. 

Re: Bb0212's road... 01 Aug 2017 04:21 #318157

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Ihavestrength wrote on 31 Jul 2017 22:04:
What is inspires me to stay clean is that it's necessary for me to live the good life. Not sufficient, but necessary. 

What do you consider the good life & are there other things that are necessary for you to do in order to live the good life, yet you don't them? If yes, what's the difference between staying clean and the other necessary things?
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 01 Aug 2017 04:21 #318158

  • Hakolhevel
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I don't know if I would go with the word inspired. I don't think I'm Inspired to stay clean, I just can't handle the pain of acting out. If I could, I probably would still be acting out despite all the inspiration. (Heck even now I'm not perfect). Different strokes for different folks, I can only share my limited experience

Re: Bb0212's road... 01 Aug 2017 04:26 #318159

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Hakolhevel wrote on 01 Aug 2017 04:21:
I don't know if I would go with the word inspired. I don't think I'm Inspired to stay clean, I just can't handle the pain of acting out. If I could, I probably would still be acting out despite all the inspiration. (Heck even now I'm not perfect). Different strokes for different folks, I can only share my limited experience

Thank you for your response. What do you mean you can't handle the pain, what causes pain? Guilt?
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 01 Aug 2017 17:36 #318175

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As an addict, no inspiration is necessary for me to give up my life to God. Nor will it help either, because my powerlessness is stronger than any inspiration. Listening to a shiur never helped me in the long run. When I realized that if I continue acting the way that I was acting I would probably end up dead, I got sober. It took me up until that point. And when I relapsed last year, it took me a month of dangerous activity until I realized how low I was and I got myself out of it. I'm a slow learner and inspiration hasn't helped me yet. Only raw reality.
What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

"I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

My thread: Big Steps

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 01 Aug 2017 18:12 #318176

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Shlomo24 wrote on 01 Aug 2017 17:36:
As an addict, no inspiration is necessary for me to give up my life to God. Nor will it help either, because my powerlessness is stronger than any inspiration. Listening to a shiur never helped me in the long run. When I realized that if I continue acting the way that I was acting I would probably end up dead, I got sober. It took me up until that point. And when I relapsed last year, it took me a month of dangerous activity until I realized how low I was and I got myself out of it. I'm a slow learner and inspiration hasn't helped me yet. Only raw reality.

What's the difference between what you're saying & calling it being inspired by the fear of killing yourself? Is that not what's inspiring you to do what's right?
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 01 Aug 2017 18:32 #318177

  • Shlomo24
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I was thinking those thoughts as I was writing it. There may be no difference. My main point is that it's not a feeling of inspiration. It's a reality that I need help.
What works for me: 1) Honesty 2) Meetings 3) 12-step 4) Listening to my Sponsor 5) Not doing what I want to do 6) Inviting the God of my understanding into my life

"I can't do it, God can help." | "Everything I want is on the other side of fear." | "Where there is deprivation there is addiction." | "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery." | "Stop stopping, start living."

My thread: Big Steps

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: Bb0212's road... 01 Aug 2017 22:41 #318185

bb0212 wrote on 01 Aug 2017 04:21:

Ihavestrength wrote on 31 Jul 2017 22:04:
What is inspires me to stay clean is that it's necessary for me to live the good life. Not sufficient, but necessary. 

What do you consider the good life & are there other things that are necessary for you to do in order to live the good life, yet you don't them? If yes, what's the difference between staying clean and the other necessary things?

The good life for me is a life of self-fulfillment and service.

Yes there are other things, but staying sober is the most basic requirement for me to live any type of life, and certainly a good one.

(Living, not surviving.) 

Why is this so? Maybe because for me acting out is the ultimate form of instant gratification and selfishness, the polar opposite of self-fulfillment and service. 

Hope that was clear.

Re: Bb0212's road... 02 Aug 2017 06:25 #318197

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Ihavestrength wrote on 01 Aug 2017 22:41:

bb0212 wrote on 01 Aug 2017 04:21:

Ihavestrength wrote on 31 Jul 2017 22:04:
What is inspires me to stay clean is that it's necessary for me to live the good life. Not sufficient, but necessary. 

What do you consider the good life & are there other things that are necessary for you to do in order to live the good life, yet you don't them? If yes, what's the difference between staying clean and the other necessary things?


The good life for me is a life of self-fulfillment and service.

Yes there are other things, but staying sober is the most basic requirement for me to live any type of life, and certainly a good one.

(Living, not surviving.) 

Why is this so? Maybe because for me acting out is the ultimate form of instant gratification and selfishness, the polar opposite of self-fulfillment and service. 

Hope that was clear.

Thank you for responding. The answer you gave was very clear.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 03 Aug 2017 04:00 #318246

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bb0212 wrote on 01 Aug 2017 04:26:

Hakolhevel wrote on 01 Aug 2017 04:21:
I don't know if I would go with the word inspired. I don't think I'm Inspired to stay clean, I just can't handle the pain of acting out. If I could, I probably would still be acting out despite all the inspiration. (Heck even now I'm not perfect). Different strokes for different folks, I can only share my limited experience

Thank you for your response. What do you mean you can't handle the pain, what causes pain? Guilt?

Double life. I recently explained this in my thread in the last few pages if you would like you can check it out.

Re: Bb0212's road... 14 Aug 2017 14:07 #318752

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The past week or two, I been avoiding my thread.  My truck's tires are busted. The one thing that I remained clean in, is that I wasn't mz"l. Today, this morning, I was indulging my eyes in some of the forbidden fruit. I started wondering again why I care so much about this, & it seemed as if I was gonna give it up. Suddenly it hit me. I'm doing this because that what God wants. And the question that I had:

on the other hand, going to minyan is the right thing to do & I don't do that. 


That's a good question, but it doesn't prove that I don't want to do what God wants. However, I realized that the yetzer hara waa way too powerful & there was no way I was gonna win. Desperate times call for desperate measures; I don't remember talking to God when I was in the shower before, but I had no choice. I told him "you're gonna have to fight the fight, cuz there's no way I'm gonna win". Just like that, the fight was over. Pretty awesome.
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.

Re: Bb0212's road... 14 Aug 2017 19:51 #318779

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I am loving the surrender! Shower is a big acting out place for me. There were times when i walked in the shower and there was no way i was coming out there not having acted out. Thank God, i dont have those temptations anymore. 
I am happy to speak on the phone. Please email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

My name is Daniel, I go to face to face meetings and I work the 12 steps with a sponsor. 

Re: Bb0212's road... 14 Aug 2017 19:56 #318781

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bb0212 wrote on 14 Aug 2017 14:07:
The past week or two, I been avoiding my thread.  My truck's tires are busted. The one thing that I remained clean in, is that I wasn't mz"l. Today, this morning, I was indulging my eyes in some of the forbidden fruit. I started wondering again why I care so much about this, & it seemed as if I was gonna give it up. Suddenly it hit me. I'm doing this because that what God wants. And the question that I had:

on the other hand, going to minyan is the right thing to do & I don't do that.


That's a good question, but it doesn't prove that I don't want to do what God wants. However, I realized that the yetzer hara waa way too powerful & there was no way I was gonna win. Desperate times call for desperate measures; I don't remember talking to God when I was in the shower before, but I had no choice. I told him "you're gonna have to fight the fight, cuz there's no way I'm gonna win". Just like that, the fight was over. Pretty awesome.

Can I guess what soap do you used in the shower
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
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Re: Bb0212's road... 18 Aug 2017 05:13 #318956

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Bh I had a great day today. Today was also rough, I hope that make sense. My שמירת עניים was purposefully not there. Other than that, my day was great. It's not like I was trying to rebel, rather, I just gave up at times. Throughout the day it was a struggle. At one point I was shmoozing with God about it, I asked for some help, told Him I really don't know what else to do. My feelings are mixed, in a way I feel like an ingrate (I think that's a word) because Hashem has showered me with blessing, yet I'm still looking at the forbidden.

/end rant
My road to 90 days, all with God's help.             What brought me here.90 days with Areivim

Made it 259 days from 01/28/17-10/15/17 without mz"l. At day 90, I started to go for all aspects of שמירת עניים\הברית. At day 168 I fell with שמירת עניים & restarted the count. On approximately November 4 2017, with the support of a fellow GYE brother (daily text messages/phone calls), I restarted. This round I'm working on שמירת הברית as well as שמירת עניים.
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