Trouble wrote on 11 Jan 2017 05:36:

Guess that's why you need to take positive steps, not just resist the urges.

day 27

having trouble posting technical issues any ideas in touch with gye .....

MayanHamisgaber wrote:

Thank Gd those are your only probs

post your tech issues at
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/23-Just-Having-Fun/302398-Re-Bugs--Issues_________and_chopsticks

seems that the fire fox browser has issues and chrome wants me to do this....

Wishing you a lot of hatzlocha! You're in the right place! Just keep posting and getting chizuk, and give some too!

day 28

thanks for the chizuk guys and thank you markz for the link seems that i'll have to use chrome for now good thing gentech blocks utube.... 

anyways wife is really excited this week bec. Wednesday night completes day 30 and wants to buy supper to celebrate!!! hope to catch up on the threads that i couldn't post on hope not to late to reply to some of them that i wanted to add my $0.02 to

B'hatzlacha

MayanHamisgaber wrote:

Enjoy the party!

Im concerned (as I've mentioned elsewhere) that the wife being codependent may be too involved

Can you leave her out of supporting your recovery?
Maybe I'm assuming too much and you do that already...

This is different to sharing where you're upto in life with her...

markz 
thanks for the concern do you mind explaining in english what exactly you are worried about and what do you mean by codependent? (i have read some of the elsewhere but still don't understand)  thanks

Following are excerpts from a lengthy list of codependent characteristics compiled by Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself:

• Think and feel responsible for other people—for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being and ultimate destiny.
• Feel compelled—almost forced—to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
• Find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
• Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves.
• Find themselves attracted to needy people.
• Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and used.
• Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
• Blame themselves for everything.
• Reject compliments or praise.
• Think they're not quite good enough

References

Internet, The (2017).

Appendix - markz will have to answer for himself what he is worried about, but as I understand it now codependency can be a problem because the (spouse) is sort of taking on the responsibility for keeping the other person "sober", which can result in the "addict" feeling less responsible for themselves. The other half of it (and maybe Mark is more worried about this) is that the spouse is dependent on the addicted person and their sobriety for their own mental wellness as much (or more even) than the addict themselves. So if the addict relapses, the spouse takes it harder than maybe they should.

thanks, 613. 

In some ways, a filter can also be co-dependent.

Try find a good balance with the wife. Something doesn't quite sit well with me that she's celebrating your 30 days... I dunno. Could just be me

But keep it up! May you celebrate your 90!

thanks613 wrote:

You deserve 613Thanks for that!!

thanks for the feedback everyone and I appreciate the care and concern and will check once more (this might be the 4-5X that I will think about this) if this is a cause for concern but so far I really think that she simply wants me to succeed and this is her way of supporting me 
I will not deny the fact that it will be very hard for her if I were to fall CH"V but I don't think it would be worse than anyone else's  spouse that knows about this....

singularity: I too told her what's with 30 days to celebrate but realized that this makes her feel good that she has helped me this far (is this contradicting the above )
and i like her homemade food better than the laffas we will get
keep the thoughts coming

B'hatzlacha

I cannot comment because iam not wise enough to knowwhats correct regarding your wife, but most important - mazel tov on the milestone and Hashem should give you continued hatzlocha!

There is a psychotherapist called Ross Rosenberg who i came across recently who has a really interesting updated take on co-dependency which he calls Self-Love Deficit Disorder. There's no difference he is just redefining it. The definition makes a lot more sense to me than the words Co-dependency which I find hard to grasp fully their meaning.

Here are a some highlights in his words.

1. “Codependency” is an outdated term that connotes weakness and emotional fragility, both of which are far from the truth. The replacement term, “Self-Love Deficit Disorder” or SLDD takes the stigma and misunderstanding out of codependency and places the focus on the core shame that perpetuates it. Inherent in the term itself is the recognition of the core problem of codependency, as well as the solution to it.

2. The absence of self-love results in deeply embedded insecurities that render a person powerless to set boundaries and/or control their narcissistic loved ones. The person with Self-Love Deficit Disorder, the SLD, is often oblivious or in denial about their dysfunctional relationships patterns with narcissists, as to admit to it, would require them to face their core shame and pathological loneliness.

10. When an SLD sets a boundary, insists on fairness or mutuality, or attempts to protect themselves from harm, the PNarc (sex addict) partner punishes them with some form of active or passive aggressive retaliation. The actual consequence, or the threat of it, freezes the SLD inside their unhappy dysfunctional relationships. Over time, the PNarc achieves complete dominance over the relationship because they have systematically extracted any semblance of self-confidence and courage from the SLD.

11. SLDD often manifests as an addiction. The enthralling emotional drama of dysfunctional relationships or the belief that the SLD can control a PNarc is the “drug” to which SLD’s become addicted. Despite losses and consequences, the SLD addict hypnotically pursues their drug of choice. “Relapse” is inevitable if the SLD should leave the PNarc before resolving the underlying problems responsible for the addiction.

12. Pathological loneliness and the fear of it drives SLDD addiction. It is SLDD addiction’s primary withdrawal symptom, which lasts between two to six months. This toxic form of loneliness is excruciatingly painful and is experienced physically, emotionally, existentially, and spiritually. In the throes of pathological loneliness, the SLD feels isolated, unloved, unsafe, and fundamentally unworthy.

13. Core shame drives pathological loneliness. It is the feeling of being fundamentally damaged, bad and/or an unlovable. Core shame was caused by attachment trauma.

16. According to the rules of “relationship math,” the addition of ½ + ½ (an SLD and PNarc) = 1, which is ½ of a relationship comprised of enmeshed and dependent partners. But the addition of a 1 + 1 (two self-loving individuals) = 2, which is 1 whole relationship comprised of mutually and reciprocally loving interdependent adults.

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