I do.

Those who completely avoid youtube (and everybody should) are in much safer, healthier, position than otherwise.

Reb Yosef, looks like you indeed grew much, keep going, positively.

in me?

I fell and acted out after 36 days...par for the course.

I have spent countless hours on the computer, not doing what I am supposed to be doing.
(learning, working, davening, sleeping, spending quality time with the family, etc.)

And I don't feel like I'm succeeding or "holding my breath", just living, but not free.

So you feel no difference between today and six months ago when you were not trying to remain clean?

GrowStrong wrote:

I don't understand the question
Who wasn't tryin to stay clean before gye??

Six months ago, I was certainly trying to stay clean.
I think. Maybe I wasn't doing any of these 11 things, but I was still an observant Jew,
trying to do mitzvahs and restrain from doing aveiras.
And I fell, about once every 1-2 months.
Now, that I'm really putting a lot of effort into breaking free, I still fell after 36 days,
(and am now 18 days clean).

Perhaps, in the past, I would have failed on Chanuka or last night.
And this time, I didn't. There probably has been some improvement,
but I don't really see or feel it.

Very good point!
I would suggest that starting a post thread on GYE is a turning point in most peoples lives, where they have come to a point that they are ready to take some kind of next step in their recovery.
That alone is a massive change.
Then going more than 50 days with only one fall is a massive improvement from being out of control.
So i worded it wrong....I meant:
So you feel no difference between today and six months ago when you were not more than 50 days clean with only one fall and were not actively doing a bunch of things to reign in your addictions?

Firstly, breathin' would help.

Secondly, KOT!

Thirdly, if people aren't commentin' (although it seems to me that they are), switch your manner of postin'.

GrowStrong wrote on 03 Jan 2017 16:47:

If you look at my signature and my threads you will see that there were long periods of success and then..... Not. You gotta learn how to dust your seat pants off and get back in the saddle. Each time I grew and took another step closer.

And guess what? Given the right opportunity, I'd still fall (although I'd make sure it'sI really good), but does that get meI down? Hell no!

I am on about page 33, its a long thread....
I will get through to the end though!
The point is that even if you are falling in recovery, its a way better place to be than falling into the abyss.
Real structured recovery.
What lust addict would say no to the lust experience of their dreams?
But that doesn't mean you live your life in denial - holding your breath.
Because you are in recovery.
Its a state of mind.
And not an unstructured recovery where you keep a spreadsheet between you and the sheets counting days.
But a full fledged recovery plan including LOTS of elements - all to help YOU recover.

Yosef are you seeing a Therapist? After three conversations with Dov, are you thinking about going to SA?

Maybe you arent really an addict and thats why you don't feel any different.

Yosef, 
Here is something I raid in Orchot Tsadikim
(Yes, I am qouting a sefer!!): 
If a person sepaates himself to what is 
mutar to him then when the yetser hara will 
tell him to do a sin then he will make the following 
kal vachomer (fortiori): "במותר נאסרתי לא כל שכן באיסור?"
This statement helped me push to distance myself 
from youtube. Hope it helps you too.  

I don't think that I am an addict, and have never said that I am addicted.
----------
Thanks, EC.
------------
Thanks, everybody! I am feeling better now. 
I was just really feeling down and that it's all pointless and nothing is helping.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote:

Yosef I'll say this only because you were asking for my input

IMHO the first and last sentences contradict each other

In my dictionary (and mine only - it's copyright) "nothing helping" is a sure sign of addiction

One second: what's making me feel better, is that people are saying that things I'm doing are helping.
Now you say: well, if you thought that nothing is helping, then you are an addict, and should go to SA.

If I thought it would really help, I would go to a meeting tonight.
But I don't want to go, unless I really have a strong indication that it is the right place for me.
Yes, I want advice.

Who said that addicts need SA?

I'd recommend therapy - because that's what I do - not necessarily for lust issues. 

A good shrink will tell you if you need SA