I did what Yosef is considering

I do not allow my kids on my mobile device so I didn't have a problem with my oldest kid holding the restrictions password for my device

It happened to come up in discussion with my wife and therapist - my wife was a little shocked and taken aback. So was my therapist who told me I gotta make my wife the one responsible for the restrictions password 

I have some some social blindness as explained in "my story" and that's why I don't see a problem making my son the restrictions gate keeper (My son may have my social blindness too)

However in the social world it's very wrong, because the messages and roles are being distorted

If your shrink feels otherwise, that's fine, so it will be a מחלוקת טראפיסטס

I am glad that I am not the only one who feels the way I feel.

Watson: I really like milkshakes. AMAZING!

Hi Yosef,

You can use k9 for content, and windows family safety for time limits, or norton family. Both are free. If you need specific help, let me know your current setup, what operating system, filter, etc.. you have now.
Keep up your good work!

K9 does time restrictions too, and they can be overridden without affecting the filtering settings. 

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 18 Dec 2016 18:24:

I use Kaspersky as my computer protection and it also has time limits that aren't related to filtering content. It has them as two separate things. Well good luck in whatever you do.

I appreciate the concern and help everyone is trying to be for me.
I read everything twice, sat on it, emailed one of my support buddies, read what he wrote twice,
sat on it more, and here I am with all my failings and weaknesses, back on the forum.
I have kaspersky, for both things, and it works great, and they are basically separate.
The issue that led to me falling was when I overrode the time constraint, by putting in the password,
since this completely turned off all protection, even from explicit content.
This caught me by surprise. But this wouldn't happen again, because, in the future, I will be super-
careful NOT to be alone and walk over to the computer and override the time constraint
by putting in the password. I can only be truly surprised once. Now, I am warned, 
(and anybody else using kaspersky is warned too).

However, the fear is that in a weakened state, I may still do this.
So to protect against that, I wanted it
to be not so easy to put in the password (but not too hard either).
Having someone in the house that has to insert 1/2 the password
would accomplish exactly that. Whether it is my wife or son or live-in house guest, 
isn't really the main issue. If I had a house guest, I would use him.
If I had an understanding, helpful wife, I would use her. If I had more self-restraint,
I wouldn't have to use anyone. I've got to live with the reality that HaShem has given me, 
and grow each day. Asking a friend outside the home isn't that practical, 
to expect someone to come to my house to set it up with me AND then whenever
I really need/want to go on the computer to put in his 1/2 of the password,
so that I can go on the computer outside of the times I set.
And allowing some place or someone to remotely access my computer I don't feel comfortable with.

I want to grow and get stronger, and I seem to have 2 choices, which I wrote about:
Going forward, I think I should either 1. be super strict with the time limits, so that I succeed and live my life, and am doing what I am supposed to be doing all the time throughout the day...or  
2. take off all streaming videos, but forget about the time limits, so that the computer is always available.
Concentrating on both things at once, was too strict for me right now, and had the opposite effect!
(and I fell and watched porn and masturbated and wasted seed)!
I'm choosing to be super strict with the time limits, since this may help me get my life in order quicker. Eventually, both are important.
Now, I have to be extra careful not to go on the computer outside of the times I set.
This was a setback, but I'm not giving up. I'm back on track and will break free.
Hopefully, it will only take me 90 more days to get to 90 days clean. I'm 3 days clean.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 19 Dec 2016 07:32:

(1)
My whole addicted life I've been super-careful It's the fox-guarding-the-henhouse analogy all over again. And the gemora Nidda says there's no apotropusl'Arayos, and especially not the perpetrator himself! But you seemed to have admitted this in (2). So I hope you're working on it.

(3)
I understand growth's being progressive as well. Though I don't think a cancer patient would refuse a second crucial chemo session just because he can't handle it. But you have to know the extend and risk of your addiction, I guess. I can't help you there.

(4)
In my addictive journey, I put this as the height of all my problems, shaming myself for doing it, feeling destroyed, etc. And this just fed the addiction more and more. I was treating my cancer with an aspirin of Kitzur Shulchan Aruch. Feeling all good about myself that I read Siman 151 every time I fell, to try and carve away at my cliff-faced brain to absorb its message. I assure you, t'will be the path of destruction, young one! First fix yourself! Then PG the fear of the issur will be enough to prevent it.

Remember, this Yezter Hora is internal, ever since Chava ate that darned fruit. it WAS once external. We WERE able to blame our filters/passwords/technologies/coding teams/Javascript at a time. But when the glass shatters Hashem will turn the spotlight onto us, amidst our decaying filters.

Like the Gemora Bava Ma'aseh Daf 1c, quoting the Gemora in Eiruvin, daf 19a, All Filters will fall into Gehinnom, but Avraham Avinu will stand at its mouth and save all Jewish filters, except those programmed in Java, PHP or other buggy scripts that had obvious loopholes and didn't undergo unit testing.

"this wouldn't happen again, because, in the future, I will be super-
careful NOT to be alone and walk over to the computer"

"in a weakened state, I may still do this"
_______________________________________________

"I wanted it to be not so easy to put in the password"

"Someone in the house is WAY more convenient."

_______________________________________________

"He is not involved in any way in my struggle"

"giving my password control to my oldest son"

_______________________________________________

"I'm all ears"

You have argued with every suggestion and other point of view since you got here. 

______________________________________________

Can you see how much you are lying to yourself?!

My guess is not. It's not your fault, you're not even aware you're doing it. 

That's why it's vital that you get real life support imo.

As far as using your son as your chaver, you could ask a Rav. Like you presumably would for any other important points of chinuch, especially when several other people have raised concerns. My guess is that you won't. It's too scary.

I'm not going on about it for the sake of it. I'm writing this because I'm concerned. Originally for you, now for your son also.

______________________________________________

"I tried having my wife keep the password for me a few times,
with disastrous shalom bayis consequences.
My son will be a lot more reasonable if the time settings need to be changed."

I would laugh if it wasn't so tragic.

shua73 wrote on 19 Dec 2016 01:36:

Most programs would offer it as two separate things, however they use the same password. I was suggesting two separate setups so that he doesn't have access to the content password.

yosef,

First off, I have not read this entire thread so I may be off a drop (I do intend to read it more thoroughly time permitting, I think that you and I have a lot in common when it comes to movies and escape)

A friend of mine once said, "if someone calls you a dog, you laugh it off. If another person calls you a dog, you ignore them, and if a third person calls you a dog, you should probably start barking.

It sounds like you are really trying to fix this, you realize that this is an important thing to fix (if not THE thing to fix) and that you see the positive effects in your life(, family, and such) when you are making progress. I felt like that too, but sometimes the things we think will fix our problem may not actually be the fix (or at least the main part of the fix). 

Personally, I have found that many things people on the forum say don't apply to me. Then after falling I realize that What they said applies exactly to me. (I try to listen to them in advance now ) for example, Until I finally acknowledged the that problem was ME lusting after things, then I was able to work on it. Until then, everything out there was just a trigger (excuse) to act out. 'woe to me, it's not my fault, Hashem made the test so hard, I am working so hard on it, if I could just make it physically impossible to act out then I would be good.' That is impossible of course. Unless you remove all your senses surgically as well as all of the body parts related to acting out. and EVEN THAT won't stop the lusting. 

Work smarter, not harder. 

Just my three cents, Wishing you yishras hadas with this issue.

Hatzlacha!!!

Yosef - what does your wife say about your son being the gate keeper? 

Watson wrote on 19 Dec 2016 09:07:


Watson,

A hallmark of many newcomer's posts is that it jumps off their page how much they are lying to themselves. Sometimes I see my own writings and I'm like "Liar, lame, you know that won't work...." granted, this is more extreme but like you said, Yosef doesn't really seem to want to listen. So what do we do? If we're too hard on him, he may leave and ever come back.

If we're too easy, we're enabling. And we've done quite a bit of enabling because many of us here have spoken so encouragingly and deferentially to him after he complained how unsupportive people here were.

You clearly are fed up and speaking the truth. Just not sure if it will help. So I don't know what to do.

Yosef,

People here are telling you that you're not listening. Why don't you just tell them that there are certain things you are and are not willing to do for recovery, and not that you know better, but that you're only committed up to a certain point?

Thank you WG.

I don't have it in my power to make someone recover. I don't have it in my power to make someone relapse.

Hakol bidei shomayim chutz miyiras shomayim. Nothing in YTH's life is under the control of Watson.

So I'm just trying to be honest and point out the things that I think are important. This has not been an easy thread at all and I haven't enjoyed writing on it. I am trying to help the poor suffering guy by recognising that a forum is too easy to lie in and manipulate. So are emails to support buddies.

There is no way Yosef could have said out loud to his Rav or any GYE member what he wrote here because he himself would have seen the stirah in his own words and thinking. That's why I think it would actually help. And that's why it's so hard to do. Cos if someone actually spoke completely honestly to their Rav or therapist about all this, there's a chance they won't masturbate again, and if you're anything like me, that prospect is terrifying.

BTW I wrote plenty of stinkers in my own thread on the forum. I know what it's like to be new here.

My twisted thinking was pointed out to me at the time by more experienced members. It was difficult and painful and I argued with them too. But in the long run they helped me tremendously. The only ones that really helped were the ones who told me the truths I didn't really want to hear.