Sorry to hear about your fall.

What do you take from this? What can you learn?

I think I need to spend less time on the computer.
Being super strict with the time limits that I set...
and maybe giving my password control to my oldest son,
so that I can't change it, whenever I feel like it.
I'm VERY nervous to give away this control, though.
The beauty is that it will be a lot more likely that I'll be 
where I am supposed to be, if/once I take the computer 
out of the equation. Also, it will show him how much I value
learning with him, that I'm giving up the computer time,
in order for us to learn. Unfortunately, MANY times in the past,
I've given in to my desire to relax/unwind/enjoy myself with nonsense garbage
(bad habit) streaming videos, instead of spending real time with my family.
Setting real time controls that I can't change, should hopefully solve that problem.

It will also give me better sleep...
and make it far less likely that I will watch porn, masturbate, or waste seed, 
since a lot of the time I seem to fail is when I am not doing what I am supposed 
to be doing. I'm dragged after streaming videos into times when I should be doing 
something else, living my life...and then, I sometimes get a thought to take it further
and watch porn and/or masturbate. The idea is to catch myself a step or two before
I may get triggered to act out, which should hopefully prevent me from acting out.
I am not giving up, but rather I am strengthening my efforts to learn from this failure
and succeed in the future. I'm trucking on my way to 90-days and beyond.

I don't know how old your son is, but do you want HIM to have password control of the computer so he can do what he wants? A better idea (and maybe this is what you meant), is to have him set HALF the password, so any changes need to be made by the 2 of you together. I have a similar arrangement with my wife for all the devices in our house.

That is exactly what I meant, even though I didn't write it correctly.
I would never allow him on the computer at all.
That is one bad habit that he is not going to have to fight to conquer.
We have never let the kids touch the computer.
I am going to type in words and then he is going to add several numbers 
(that he will write down also, and not lose!)
But even this is risky that I will get locked out, 
(because he might write it down on paper, different than on the computer
by mistake, or he may lose the paper).
But, I don't seem to be so good at sticking to the time limits,
(without changing them and messing up my day),
and I tried having my wife keep the password for me a few times,
with disastrous shalom bayis consequences.
My son will be a lot more reasonable if the time settings need to be changed.

You're assuming that the computer is the big black bear you need to cage up and then you're safe. Is that guaranteed? I don't believe so

I used to go out in the middle of the night and purchase *** magazines in the phases that Internet was inaccessible to me. 
If you're like me, we need something else to get our truck rolling

Also your idea is impractical if you need regular work related access to your PC

For me personally gye forum helps tremendously. But in my understanding that's not what works for most members here. They use other tools...  

KOT

You're right.
In the past, I have looked at catalogs,
before telling my wife that it's probably best
that we don't have any queen elizabeth catalogs in the house.
And I have even purchased magazines, as embarrassing as that is!
But the time controls should reduce the likelihood of me seeing any porn.
And the house has long been clean of any female pictures,
even land's end. So, the difficulty and the effort and embarrassment
involved in buying a magazine, makes it more likely that I will come to my senses, 
before going to that extreme.

Hi Yosef,

Perhaps setup up two separate systems. One that should filter your computer, that you shouldn't have access to the password. And use a separate program to set up time controls, which you should be able to optain the password when needed. Opening up the time limits should not allow you to open the filter.
Personally, I don't find restrictions to work for me... But each to their own.

Hatzlucha Rabba!

Jewishfiltergeek, (if that's how you want me to call you) you are right.
I'm sure it is possible to have 2 completely separate controls,
1 for content and 1 for time limits, each with different passwords,
and that may even be a good idea, 
but I'm not that computer savvy to know how to do it...
so I think I'm going to stick with my "workaround".

Cord, couldn't you at least change it to queen victoria?
What's a queen elizabeth catalog? 

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 18 Dec 2016 01:00:

To me that sounds very unfair. Why should he have to take care of his father? Get a chaver!

Scary stuff.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 18 Dec 2016 01:00:

I found that changing the externals didn't work for me.

I would think that asking my son is a very selfish act. I'm not caring about his emotions, I just need something from him for myself. I know I would feel awkward as hell if my father asked me something like that. And what happens when you need to watch porn? You're going to ask him. And there's no way in hell he's going to say no. That doesn't sound like a healthy father and son relationship at all, to be honest.

DUDE! You got yourself into this mess! Your brain is the one responsible. Why are you still relying on it to get you out of the mess! It's like a failed CEO thinking that he can get his business back, even though he was the one that burned it to the ground. I agree with what Watson said, get a freaking chaver! This whole thing sounds so unhealthy to me.

Don't see what's wrong at all. I guess every situation is different
and every family dynamic is different. Why is that hard to understand?
Gevura understood what I meant,
even though I wrote it in my first post on this subject incorrectly.
My son is a WAY better choice than my wife,
and I didn't tell him anything other than I spend too much time on the computer,
(which he already knows), because it has become a very bad habit,
and that I set up a time control with a password,
so that I wouldn't go on the computer when I should be doing something else,
like learning with him at night. But, the problem was, that since I knew the password,
I would put it in and change the times, so it wasn't too effective.
I asked him if he would mind putting in 6 numbers after a few words that I chose,
so that I couldn't change the time settings so easily.
I made sure that he wrote down the numbers first, and he was happy to help.
He is not involved in any way in my struggle, knows nothing about the gravity of this nisayon, 
and actually benefits quite a lot by getting his father back, so to speak, every evening.
This is anything but a selfish act.
I have friends, but I can't think of any friends who would come to the house,
put in the 6 number part of the password, last night,
and agree to come back to my house to put it in again,
if I convinced them that I really needed it. Someone in the house is WAY more convenient.
And I agree that an understanding wife would be a better option than a son.
But I did the best I could with the situation I have. And I think that it will be a real improvement.
You asked what lessons have I learned from my failure,
and what steps I am taking to hopefully prevent it in the future,
and I think I came up with something that may work for me.
If you can think of something better to recommend to me, I'm all ears.

My original comment was only about the danger of your son having full access to the password. 

I agree with the others here that there are some unhealthy aspects to this arrangement though. How old is he? What happens if he figures out why you really need it? Will he be able to say no to you when it needs to be said? And what are the Chinuch and Kibbud Av implications of such an arrangement?

Perhaps you need an outside Chaver to help you with this. You can have someone use a remote access app like TeamViewer to put in the password when necessary. 

Yosef, you know what denial is? Don't Even Notice I Am Lying.

I urge you in the strongest possible terms to fully open up about your struggles with a safe person in real life. Be that a Rav, therapist, GYE or SA member. In person, not in writing. I can't think of any other way for you to start seeing through this bull***t and how much it is damaging you and your family.

I am davening for you.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 18 Dec 2016 14:16:


Yosef Hatzadik,
There's a famous saying along the lines of "When a son needs he help of his father, they both laugh. When a father needs the help of his son, they both cry."

Speaking from experience, you have no idea of the damaging ramifications of a kid knowing that his father needs his help for self control. Of course honesty and acknowledging to our kids that we're human is important, but so is keeping our kids feeling secure.

TAG (do you know what that is?) is happy to hold passwords for certain filters, and they would hold the password for k9 and login remotely with Team Viewer to get you in when you want to. What about that?