guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/210070-Mikvah-Night---Edition--29

There are EIGHTY-NINE pages on that forum thread.

I am perfectly happy to read something you think may help, but you have to be a lot more specific.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 27 Nov 2016 14:21:

See what speaks to you.

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 27 Nov 2016 14:21:

Start with the first 10

And pray tell me

When you went to illicit websites - you only read 1 page??? 

I'll try to read the first 10 pages...but I reject the comparison.
It's much more similar to someone saying: "check out this streaming site. There are some really great tennis matches that you would enjoy. Then, you go there, and find that there are 89 pages of games! So, you tell your friend, can you be a little more specific? Which games do you think I should see?
Then, he may say that The Pete Sampras matches from '09 were really special. Also, search for 'overtime matches' since there were a few amazing ones that were real exciting to watch".
The point is that he had something in mind when he suggested it.

Nobody told me to go to a porn site.
And they were all thoroughly indexed, so that I could choose what I wanted to see.
I didn't just read/watch through 89 pages of them, starting from the beginning.

Begin at the beginning and go on till you reach the end, then stop.

I'm up to 18 days (life)!
------------------------------
Overall, date night was very successful.
We spent time focusing on each other.
And had a pleasant time together.
In fact, she asked me out on another date!
She wants to go out on Friday (early) for breakfast.
This is phenomenal...and a huge step forward from living different lives as roommates.
She wants to spend more time with me. However, I am smart enough and aware enough to know that there is a little "test" involved too, since Friday is a day I can usually wake up a little later.
So she is saying "let's see how much you want to spend time with me. Are you willing to get up extra early, so that we can enjoy a nice time together, or will you selfishly 'sleep in' and choose yourself over me?"
If and when I pass this test, our relationship will really jump-start and move forward...B'ezras HaShem.
------------------------------------
I exercise-walked and listened to another shiur part 4 or 5....double whammy!
(the Torah concepts are good and beneficial AND getting out my energy and whatever stress and helping regulate my mood is good).
-----------------------------------
I am gaining so much from this series that I distributed 180 (life) free CDs to different places around town.
Not only am I helping myself, but I am able to help others too.
In that vein, here are the main points, in my opinion, of The Fight part 1:

We have been given a certain set of circumstances. 
A setting for our life. We were born to a given family, with a given set of strengths and weaknesses. Born into a particular time period, to a particular  family, given a very exact set of parameters. You will be so tall, so intelligent, have so much of this talent, and so much of this one. Now go out there and accomplish and live your life. Live up to your potential. 
We are like actors on the stage who are given a certain role to play. Our measure of success is based on how we played that part. The measure of a man isn’t in an abstract sense who he is.
All of the parameters of a person’s life are stage settings and props...backdrops against which we are to play our part.

At the end of our days, there is only one measure against which the human is brought...
how much did you accomplish with what you were given?
How much of your potential did you fulfill?
And we are measured by how close we came to accomplishing all that we were able to.

 ...

Very nice....all around.
 thank you

cordnoy wrote on 23 Nov 2016 14:31:

Hard for my ego to resist commenting when I am quoted.
I relate to you, Mr. Yosef.
I relate to your need to connect with someone "similar." (Was it here that I linked the Slonim GLYB thread?)
I will describe myself briefly in the off chance that I pass your requirements.
I am married with kids, been lusting since 10 or 11, masturbating since 12 or 13, have a thing for feet, high heels, breasts or anything else I find attractive. More recently, a crippling obsession with my wife's younger single sister. 
How about you?

I wrote about myself and my background at the end of page 7.
I've been posting pretty much every day.
To make it easier:
I don't know where to begin...
I don't think I have some very big problem.
I am a pretty normal guy, in terms of sexual attraction and sexual release.
I took the SA 20 question test at Dov's request and answered yes to 8 of them -(1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 8, 12, and 16).
If I wasn't a frum guy who wants to grow and be an eved HaShem, I wouldn't even consider myself as having a problem at all.
When I get very frustrated and want to exert a little temporary control in my life and give myself a pass, then I slip up, take off my tzitzis and yarmulka and masturbate. It seems ridiculous writing about it, but I guess it's serving some purpose to help me and hopefully others. So I'll continue.
I find Elul, Rosh HaShana, and Yom Kippur to be especially difficult in terms of gathering the strength and chutzpah and wild, non-fact-based hope that THIS time will be different. This time my teshuva will last. Admitting the sin before HaShem in detail, stopping sinning (not wallowing in the mud...but getting out, cleaning myself off thoroughly, as opposed to staying in the mud or holding onto the sheretz), and regretting that I didn't restrain my tyvahs, but gave in to them like a weak, disobedient, disloyal, immature fool are all no problem for me to do. I mean it's work, but I can do it. I have a heart-to-heart with myself and talk to HaShem. I sincerely want to have a close relationship with HaShem, and realize that doing this aveira of wasting seed does the exact opposite. It brings me further from Him and creates a barrier between me and Him.
It's the commitment for the future that I won't return to this sin, but I will restrain my tyvahs and not give in to them that is very difficult. How likely is it exactly that I will succeed. I need to convince myself that I will, to say it sincerely to HaShem, and yet I wouldn't suppose the odds are too good. Ridiculous, self-defeating behavior that has become a really hard to get rid of bad habit, since it's been repeated so many times and there really isn't a good kosher substitute. Don't get me started talking about marriage. Suffice it to say that I can count with my hands how many times that has helped, but can't even tell you how many hundreds of times that has hurt and made failing more likely to happen. Anyway, I try to do the last step of commitment for the future, and think of ways to improve my chances of success.

Everyday, especially if there is a lot of stress or frustration in my life, is possible that I will act out. There is obviously no schedule. But overall, my year has often looked like this in the past:
1. I almost always will fail around Sukkos time, which is only a few weeks after the Aseres Y'may Teshuva. (this year was on Hoshana Raba of all times!)
2. the next time after Sukkos is Chanuka time. I will almost always fail around Chanuka time.
3. Then, sometime in Shovavim.
4. Then, sometime before Pesach.
5. Sometime in Sefiras HaOmer
6. Sometime in the 3 Weeks
7. Sometime in Av
8. and maybe sometime in Elul.
Occasionally, if I don't "pick myself up" right away, I will wallow in the mud and masturbate again, before doing teshuva. I know that this is a trick of the yetzer hara to convince me to stay down. Unfortunately, about 1/2 of the time, I fall for it. So, I would say that we're talking about 12 times a year. Twelve times TOO MANY!
It doesn't have to include watching porn. Although, sometimes it will start out with an improperly dressed woman in real life or video, and then I decide to look at something more explicit...leading eventually to masturbating and wasting seed. Most times, it is when I go to take a shower. Not exactly a "trigger" I can avoid!

I have listened to shiurim and am listening to The Fight now by Rabbi Shafier.
I have learned with a Rabbi sources inside about this topic.
I have read some posts here and the article on breaking habits.
I am starting to exercise-walk a few times a week.
I am committed to posting my experiences on this going for 90 days forum (and chart).
I am emailing someone anonymously already called ikosherphone/Dovid.
I called Dov twice and MAY join/listen in to his group call.
I am trying to limit my time on the computer to avoid being on at night, since later at night (and Friday afternoons) are the times I am much more likely to fail and watch something specifically explicit...leading to watching porn, which leads to wasting seed.

I don't want to fail again. What helped you (the reader) succeed? What else can I do to help ensure that this time I will succeed and not fall back? I'm looking for some good advice.
Even the Cubs won this year...so anything's possible!
And they lost way more than 20 years in a row, before they had a winning season and became champions. I just want to be proactive, and not just hope that this time will be different.

I read a little bit of your going for 90-day posts. 
I liked the quote:
The difference between a "Ba L'Taher" and a "Ba L'Tamei" is "M'sayin Lo" v. "Poschin Lo." The difference is that one who wants to be Tahor needs help from outside - a siyua - like the gemara says "Ain chavush matir atzmo mibais ha'assurim." Whereas someone who wants to be Tamei only needs a pesach - Hashem gives him a door R"L and he walks through it all alone.
That's why these forums are so awesome.

Another clean day. 
There is kind of a weird undertone...that when it's easy and not a problem, life goes on and each day is another day. I didn't necessarily try hard, have a test, and pass. I just lived my life.
But when HaShem decides to send a test, will I pass? Will I be set up to pass? I don't know if any of this focus: the 90-day chart, reading and writing on the forum, etc. is going to help me.
Maybe the shiurim will help me, if I can capture the main points and read them over and think about them.
So, I have put a lot of time into summarizing the main points. Maybe they can help other people too. Here are the main parts (according to me) of Part 2 of The Fight:

Just like the nefesh in a behama is dumb, so too it is in man. We have: 
• Hungers 
• Passions
• Instincts 
But we also have a Nefesh Hasechli that:
Only wants to serve HaShem 
Only wants to do good. To be 
• Magnanimous 
• Generous
• Noble
It feels Shabbos. 
That part of me that is pure Sechel, and wants to cling to HaShem. 

And I am comprised of both!
I am caught somewhere between. 

The two vie for primacy of the human in constant battle. They are in constant conflict.
One or the other becomes dominant, like a muscle that with use becomes stronger, and with disuse atrophies.The human is in conflict. He has two very different voices inside him:
One part has no wisdom, just complete desires.
The Nefesh Bahami is blind to anything not revealed and immediate. And it even denies HaShem's existence! While the Nefesh Hasechli sees the future. It wants to cling to HaShem, and kedusha, Shabbos, and Olam HaBah.

Eating meat and milk together, or wearing shatnez, or eating a predatory animal/treif, strenthens the nefesh behami. While learning Torah is pure spiritual nourishment.

Imagine two overlapping circles.
One is white. The other black. 
Imagine that both are fifty percent gradient.
So what you have in the middle is sort of gray.
If the white is 100 percent and the black is ten percent, then the shade is very, very light.
If the white is 10 percent and the black is 100 percent, it's very, very dark. 

The first determinant of who YOU are and your ability to pass the next nisayon is your overall spiritual level: how much ruchni and how much gashmi you are. And for that, all mitzvahs help, and all aveiras hinder. Therefore, one needs to work on his overall growth: doing chesed, learning Torah, and davening/asking HaShem for help. HaShem, I didn’t choose this test. Please help me!

But then let’s imagine that surrounding the overlapping circles are dots. Each has a label:
• Gavah
• Anger
• Jealousy
• Impatience 
• Tayvah 
Each of these can at any given time flare up and expand, covering the entire circle!
So let’s imagine that my problem is anger.
If you say the wrong thing, in the wrong way, at the wrong time, my small dot called anger will flare up and cover the entire circle. I now feel angry. I see the world through a prism of red.
I now have a different perspective. 

But when you work on the issue 
1. It becomes harder for the circle to expand
2. Its color becomes weaker
3. It is easier for it to recede 
So again, imagining that anger is my issue, the less that I use my anger, the less often I allow myself to get angry, the less it has a hold on me! So the simple solution to anger is NOT to get angry. When you don’t get angry for awhile, the midda lessens. It has less hold on you.

This brings us to the first principle in working on this issue: the more you give in, the stronger the desire becomes. Now initially it’s satisfied, and the appetite goes away. But then it comes back stronger and more potent, like drinking salt water, which will never quench one's thirst. We need to work on Tayvah itself, or else it will flare up and cover everything.
But the fight isn’t when your drunk, not to fall; 
it’s not getting drunk! 
Imagine a guy who gets drunk all the time and falls on his face. One day he says to himself
this is crazy I’m always getting drunk and falling on my face. I have to do something about this.
So he studies ballet, and then Yoga, all in hopes that he can improve his balance so that he won’t fall down. Don’t work on your balance; don’t get drunk! The fight is the desire, and learning how NOT to get caught in it. Once you are drunk, it’s too late. The main fight is not thinking and not seeing. We will in the future discuss how to work on that. But that is the fight.
Once the thought comes up in my brain, it’s already late in the game.
Once I’m involved in the act, forget it.

Well, it happened. Without noticing that she was there, until it was too late,  I walked right past a beautiful woman, nicely dressed, and smelling of perfume. I made the best of the situation, and the truth is that it kind of felt good showing myself that I could keep right on going without pausing or looking at her or looking back at her.

I'm getting stronger. Maybe all this time and focus BEFORE the test is paying off afterall.

In other news, I'm really starting to feel a lack (miss) those streaming websites, now that my computer blocks everything, even though I know that they are destructive in every way...starting with they are a waste of time. A Torah shiur just isn't the same kind of entertaining, relaxing thing. Exercise for sure isn't. Eating is not good for my diet (though I DID overeat peanuts today, big time!)
So, I'm stuck and LOOKING for ideas. (reading posts is just o.k. I have tried it, but it is NOT a sufficient substitute).

Another clean day (now 20 days...out of the ones and the teens, so an accomplishment)...barely!

The yetzer hara took 10 steps to knock me down, and I got beat up pretty bad. 
But, I didn't get knocked out. Somehow, I don't know how, I came to my senses and went to bed.
I thought about yesterday and analyzed it and even wrote the 10 steps down. The first 4 MAY have been out of my control, but the 5th step - delaying starting night seder for just 30 or 40 minutes (which turned into, of course, an entire evening not learning and going in a downward spiral) I could have pretty easily prevented/ducked the punch. I saw the punch coming and just froze and let my face get smashed. STUPID. 

Boruch HaShem, I didn't fail totally, which was the very next step (explicit videos and wasting seed)!
Frustrated by steps 1 through 9, I got hit with step 10 - deciding to change the settings on my computer to allow entertaining stupidity / streaming videos and watch 1 or 2.
Well, at 3:00 in the morning, 1/2 asleep on the couch "totally drunk", I heard someone go into the washroom. When he came out, I asked my son to please take the computer off of my lap and help me go to bed. And that's how I went to bed last night, a drunken fool.

I honestly don't understand how I take the time to write a whole, thought-out post and no one responds with anything encouraging or helpful. This has happened several times throughout the 20 days.
Oh well, hopefully, people are at least gaining from my honest, open experiences...and hopefully success story. And MOST of all, I think it is helpful for ME to write it down. Have a great day.