hi

its been a long while since i posted on GYE. i really dont kbpw what to say, only that i somehow felt i really need to podt again

about 20 days ago i relapsed after a 34 day streak(i thought it was imposible to do that). and i felt really down. ever since then. i relapse about every 7 days eith P--n. some times i fet really frustrated beacuse i am stuck and font see progress but. somehow(Hs help i am sure) i dont throw the towel.

truth is there is progress ( i use to not ba able to go 3 days without PMO) but its no as fast as i would hope.
the reason that i was able to go on a 34 day streak was beacuse i made a writren plan of what i was going to do ecery hour of ecery day do there is no time unaccounted for, but somehow sunday got me.

tomarrow will be day 5. beezrat H. i really hope to go far this time.   imirtze H
so i eill try to post atleaat every 2 days

hope you have suggestions

all the best

Keep on Trucking one inch at a time

I struggled with keeping clean similarly. I would go a few days or weeks then give it all up for a week and continue in that cycle.

Earlier I had about 1 year clean but it failed bec it wasn't backed by any tools or substance. Last summer when I found GYE, I immediately jumped in. I went back to yeshiva with maybe 70 days clean. I fell at 114 I think. I was just moving along thinking that I was invincible, that I couldn't fall. I let my guard down. I didn't really post or go on GYE that much. A lot has to do with my disconnect with technology in yeshiva, but I didn't use the chances that I had to connect and use recovery tools.

Since then it was the same one week on one week off cycle. I was really depressed. Things were going downhill in my life. I was in a really low place until about a week before I came home for Pesach. I was ditching Seder and doing bad things alone in my dorm when I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to do something. I remembered that I had the number for GYE. I didn't really say much but it was the connection I needed. I took a taphsic shvuah that day and committed to come back to GYE over Pesach. Now I'm more than 30 days clean. I need to stay in touch as much as I can in yeshiva but now I have a phone partner. I am also going to speak to my rebbi. 

Every day is new. It's not about streaks. The more you do it the more you want it.
Keep us posted.

Hi abd297   Thank you for sharing.

I THINK WE BOTH NEED TO MAKE A COMMITMENT TO POST MORE OFTEN AND SHARE OUR STRUGGLES WITH OTHER PEOPLE, THAT WAY WE GET IT OUT OF OUR CHEST.
ALSO IT WILL HELP US KEEP IN CHECK AND REMEMBER THAT WE ARE NOT YOSEF HATZADIK. SHARING OUR ABTTLE WILL REMIND US THAT WE ARE VERY VULNERABLE AND THAT WE SHOUDNT LET OUR GUARD DOWN EVEN FOR A SECOND.

I'm personally a perfectionist so a lot of what I do is bec of streaks. It leads to a lot of mindless and meaningless things. I missed the point earlier in recovery. A streak isn't the end all be all. It's a good way to keep in check but it can be dangerous. If we break it, it can make us feel really bad and continue to fall. 

I am also guilty of the above, the perfectionist streak, that would say, "I'll never do it again." -- so when it did happen again, it was harder to get back on track because of a mix of shame and rebellion.  And it had always felt, (and in previous lifestyles enforced) that once one "acted out", then it was like starting all over again, as if anything good previous was just wiped out. 

I have found GYE helpful, just in being able to post some of these struggles and getting feedback. 

gye1962 wrote on 02 May 2016 14:36:

Ow! Ow! My ears!

Yeah guilty here too.

every relapse is harder than the last one emotionally because i really think  commit to every streak.

I guess i have to realize that i am not perfect and that i am a work in progress, and there will be bumps on the road, but they are part of the big picture Beezrat H. 

What's good about GYE is that they understand that whole psychology, ("maybe I don't have Yiras Shamayim"), and can lead one out of that thinking.  That's why I was so happy about the double-fence TaPHSIC method.  Even when I don't think it is working, it really is working because I am now mindful of the knas, and the diversions that I have to do in order not to be liable for the big knas.

 

I had my ups and down with the taphsic method.  It was useful but i ended up paying heavy sums of money more than once, so i stopped doing it.

What if you replaced the money knas with a disagreeable task or chore?  Not that the TaPHSIC is the only game in town, but it does seem very yiddishe kop.

 

i use to do pushups but now i have a hernia so excerise is no good

ehat do you suggest?

Hello 1962,

I would taking a quick walk, if you can.

Hatzlacha... Shmuly

woow
i cant Believe i actually surcived the urges today.usually when the yetzer grabs me at 2 pm at work and pounds me for 3-4 hours, by the time i reach home. i am already decides that i am going to relapse, but today  he didnt win.mainly  beacuse of 3 things.
1) i made a prayer to H and he helped me (nobody can stand against him)
2) having a picture of a tzadik ( for me the lubavitcer rebbe) at my desk at the office certainly helped. just by looking at a tzadik lust can leave you.
3)i read at a tony robbins book. that obe of the most effective ways to change a pattern is to mentally associate the pain it brings tou to it. so i mentally thought of all suffering of this adiction. and that made the lust no seem so atractive anymore.
i think i chaped that i cant change unless i am willing to go throu the pain it takes.

baruch H i am clean for 5 days.

I just had a relapse

I am having problems dealing with stress at work.
every time i get an overload of work and i get stressed my mind inmedietly tells me that i should go watch P**n  and i can get the images out of my head. so i end up relapsing as soon as i get home, be it at lunch, or after 5.

Does anyone have any suggestions?