I've been thinking about my fall last week, and I am noticing that 1) I had a very weak prevention system in place (no filter and a "broken" accountability partner system) and 2) Avoiding my work is really becoming a problem for me.

I got into trouble last week because of restlessness and procrastination. I dread sitting down to my work. Procrastination/avoidance is currently a major trigger and life problem for me. It also doesn't work. Eventually, reality catches up to me. When this happens, I am weighed down by pressure, anxiety, angst, and eventually depression, hopelessness, dejection when I let deadlines pass as if they don't exist (they do, of course). This has led to annoying consequences. But it makes no difference.

I turn to lust and addictive internet use instead of doing my work. One way I explain this is by seeing my behaviors as being based in feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, feeling my work is not good enough. The behaviors are maybe related to a cycle of self-sabotage – If I never progress, I will never have to face the next set of challenges that life has in store for me. Sometimes I believe this explanation. There is definitely a kernel of truth to it. But sometimes I also think it is a bunch of over-dramatized psychological hogwash that I have been using to excuse my tendency to act like an immature and lazy slacker (pardon the harshness). Maybe I really need to spend less time explaining and more time doing.

The problem is that I keep failing at “doing”. I decide to set strict behavioral schedules about how, when, and where I will get my work done. I rarely stick to it. Half the time, I never even develop the schedule. So maybe it's a broken plan . . . Or maybe I have been doing it halfheartedly, or without any heart at all. Maybe I have never taken myself seriously. Maybe I CAN do more

How about posting you new and upgraded gedarim?

Then you'll 
1) Actually make them
2) Feel a lot more obligated to kep them
3) Get other people's help and opinions on the matter

inastruggle wrote on 18 Apr 2016 03:33:

Thanks for the input ina.  I'm not sure whether you meant I should post about the schedule I want to set for myself or about gedarim to keep porn and lust off limits, but I'll assume gedarim.

1) Get a filter on my laptop - I tried to install k9, but ran into some technical issues. I expect to resolve them tommorow, and hope to have k9 installed by Wednesday at the latest.  Probably will give the password to a friend who kind of knows my problems.  However, I have to confess that in the past I have often acted out even with k9 in full force.  Maybe it would be better to invest in a program like Venishmartem, but I don't really know the differences.  Also, my family computers are not filtered.
2) Fix "Accountability Partner Systems"  - B"H, He took care of this a bit last week without even asking me.  2 partners that I have both kind of reached out to me, which let me know that they are still holding me accountable.  maybe I will write more about this, but my plan is to put down in writing more concrete guidelines about what/when I will report to them about, and then share with them these new rules. And if I fall in any of these rules, I need to inform them promptly, the first time, in specific detail.  One issue I'm a bit concerned about is that these systems are probably temporary at best, but I can't worry about that today. For today, it is working. So far.
3) This is more theoretical, but I thought it might be good to make a list of people that I will reach out to in the event I feel compelled to break a Geder.  Maybe in order of "severity" about who I would be more hesitant to call, with a REbbi or something towards the end of the list. Maybe that will keep me from acting out.  Maybe I can even call one person on the list once a day just for the heck of it to get myself in the habit.
 

#3) is not theoretical - it sounds like a great plan

Why does it have to be based as a punishment, can you not reach out to real people today and build friendships and sobriety which is the salvation from dips slips and falls

The more I am connected to god, SA, and other fellows, the less I will need to act out. People many times don't post when they are struggling, and that itself is another reason why they are struggling. I think it's a noble idea to reach out.

thanks613 wrote on 18 Apr 2016 15:38:

First of all I couldn't agree more with markz and shlomo having people to reach out to is an important thing and is definitely not a punishment. I made a lot of close friends through gye.

About the other unfiltered computers, my family doesn't have filters either. It isn't an issue. My longest streak was over a year and for most of it I had very easy access to porn. It isn't about the situation, it's about you.

No matter how much you closet yourself away there's no way you can block yourself from unfiltered internet. All you can do is make it slightly harder. Also, we all know that you can get around filters. Most of my recent falls were on a filtered device.

Ok,, so why use a filter at all?

1) First and most importantly, because the gedolim say to. End of story.
2)Because being a few clicks away from porn is a bad idea. All you need is one dumb moment. Having a filter, even with holes, is a step in the right direction. It does make it significantly harder to fall.

You can make gedarim about using the unfiltered computers or stay away from them completely.

Therefore, in addition to your very valid point about focusing on the present, it really doesn't need to be temporary. Life will always be changing, the main thing will still be you. You can adapt yourself, and the systems when the changes come.

Ina: I happened to randomly look at your edit. Lol.

Shlomo24 wrote:

Can you guess what it means??

Shlomo24 wrote:

Shlomo,

Can you guess why Ina wrote that?
Youll probably get it wrong

surprise gye bekiyus test 

I thought it was because Mark was commenting on PA's editing...

I'll tell you on condition you don't + my karma. Deal?

I'm sure we'd all like to know

thanks613 wrote:

Maskim

I wrote inna a PM last night hats I karma'd him and sincerely thanked him for his recent nice posts

His reaction was an edit note:
"mark, please stop looking at this"

Is he nuts??????

Besides, there's no such thing as 'stop looking' on guardyoureyes.com

Inna you got it??

Stop doing wheelies on your 18 wheeler!