Welcome, Guest
Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: My Journey 22504 Views

Re: My Journey 18 Apr 2016 03:10 #284921

  • thanks613
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 280
  • Karma: 13

I've been thinking about my fall last week, and I am noticing that 1) I had a very weak prevention system in place (no filter and a "broken" accountability partner system) and 2) Avoiding my work is really becoming a problem for me.

I got into trouble last week because of restlessness and procrastination. I dread sitting down to my work. Procrastination/avoidance is currently a major trigger and life problem for me. It also doesn't work. Eventually, reality catches up to me. When this happens, I am weighed down by pressure, anxiety, angst, and eventually depression, hopelessness, dejection when I let deadlines pass as if they don't exist (they do, of course). This has led to annoying consequences. But it makes no difference.

I turn to lust and addictive internet use instead of doing my work. One way I explain this is by seeing my behaviors as being based in feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, feeling my work is not good enough. The behaviors are maybe related to a cycle of self-sabotage – If I never progress, I will never have to face the next set of challenges that life has in store for me. Sometimes I believe this explanation. There is definitely a kernel of truth to it. But sometimes I also think it is a bunch of over-dramatized psychological hogwash that I have been using to excuse my tendency to act like an immature and lazy slacker (pardon the harshness). Maybe I really need to spend less time explaining and more time doing.

The problem is that I keep failing at “doing”. I decide to set strict behavioral schedules about how, when, and where I will get my work done. I rarely stick to it. Half the time, I never even develop the schedule. So maybe it's a broken plan . . . Or maybe I have been doing it halfheartedly, or without any heart at all. Maybe I have never taken myself seriously. Maybe I CAN do more

Re: My Journey 18 Apr 2016 03:33 #284925

  • inastruggle
  • Current streak: 25 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • the picture is shimshon hagibor. not st. mary....
  • Posts: 1263
  • Karma: 35
How about posting you new and upgraded gedarim?

Then you'll 
1) Actually make them
2) Feel a lot more obligated to kep them
3) Get other people's help and opinions on the matter

Re: My Journey 18 Apr 2016 15:38 #285015

  • thanks613
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 280
  • Karma: 13
inastruggle wrote on 18 Apr 2016 03:33:
How about posting you new and upgraded gedarim?

Then you'll 
1) Actually make them
2) Feel a lot more obligated to kep them
3) Get other people's help and opinions on the matter

Thanks for the input ina.  I'm not sure whether you meant I should post about the schedule I want to set for myself or about gedarim to keep porn and lust off limits, but I'll assume gedarim.

1) Get a filter on my laptop - I tried to install k9, but ran into some technical issues. I expect to resolve them tommorow, and hope to have k9 installed by Wednesday at the latest.  Probably will give the password to a friend who kind of knows my problems.  However, I have to confess that in the past I have often acted out even with k9 in full force.  Maybe it would be better to invest in a program like Venishmartem, but I don't really know the differences.  Also, my family computers are not filtered.
2) Fix "Accountability Partner Systems"  - B"H, He took care of this a bit last week without even asking me.  2 partners that I have both kind of reached out to me, which let me know that they are still holding me accountable.  maybe I will write more about this, but my plan is to put down in writing more concrete guidelines about what/when I will report to them about, and then share with them these new rules. And if I fall in any of these rules, I need to inform them promptly, the first time, in specific detail.  One issue I'm a bit concerned about is that these systems are probably temporary at best, but I can't worry about that today. For today, it is working. So far.
3) This is more theoretical, but I thought it might be good to make a list of people that I will reach out to in the event I feel compelled to break a Geder.  Maybe in order of "severity" about who I would be more hesitant to call, with a REbbi or something towards the end of the list. Maybe that will keep me from acting out.  Maybe I can even call one person on the list once a day just for the heck of it to get myself in the habit.
 

Re: My Journey 19 Apr 2016 05:13 #285170

  • Markz
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 8203
  • Karma: 426
#3) is not theoretical - it sounds like a great plan

Why does it have to be based as a punishment, can you not reach out to real people today and build friendships and sobriety which is the salvation from dips slips and falls
My Story---------Dov Quotes




FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING
Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: My Journey 19 Apr 2016 05:17 #285172

  • shlomo24
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 2213
  • Karma: 134
The more I am connected to god, SA, and other fellows, the less I will need to act out. People many times don't post when they are struggling, and that itself is another reason why they are struggling. I think it's a noble idea to reach out.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: My Journey 19 Apr 2016 06:13 #285187

  • inastruggle
  • Current streak: 25 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • the picture is shimshon hagibor. not st. mary....
  • Posts: 1263
  • Karma: 35
thanks613 wrote on 18 Apr 2016 15:38:
 Also, my family computers are not filtered.

One issue I'm a bit concerned about is that these systems are probably temporary at best, but I can't worry about that today. For today, it is working. So far.
 

First of all I couldn't agree more with markz and shlomo having people to reach out to is an important thing and is definitely not a punishment. I made a lot of close friends through gye.

About the other unfiltered computers, my family doesn't have filters either. It isn't an issue. My longest streak was over a year and for most of it I had very easy access to porn. It isn't about the situation, it's about you.

No matter how much you closet yourself away there's no way you can block yourself from unfiltered internet. All you can do is make it slightly harder. Also, we all know that you can get around filters. Most of my recent falls were on a filtered device.

Ok,, so why use a filter at all?

1) First and most importantly, because the gedolim say to. End of story.
2)Because being a few clicks away from porn is a bad idea. All you need is one dumb moment. Having a filter, even with holes, is a step in the right direction. It does make it significantly harder to fall.

You can make gedarim about using the unfiltered computers or stay away from them completely.

Therefore, in addition to your very valid point about focusing on the present, it really doesn't need to be temporary. Life will always be changing, the main thing will still be you. You can adapt yourself, and the systems when the changes come.
Last Edit: 19 Apr 2016 06:16 by inastruggle. Reason: mark, please stop looking at this

Re: My Journey 19 Apr 2016 07:11 #285191

  • shlomo24
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 2213
  • Karma: 134
Ina: I happened to randomly look at your edit. Lol.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: My Journey 19 Apr 2016 11:00 #285199

  • Markz
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 8203
  • Karma: 426
Shlomo24 wrote:
Ina: I happened to randomly look at your edit. Lol.

Can you guess what it means??
My Story---------Dov Quotes




FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING
Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: My Journey 19 Apr 2016 11:01 #285200

  • Markz
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 8203
  • Karma: 426
Shlomo24 wrote:
Ina: I happened to randomly look at your edit. Lol.

Shlomo,

Can you guess why Ina wrote that?
Youll probably get it wrong
My Story---------Dov Quotes




FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING
Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: My Journey 19 Apr 2016 16:33 #285256

  • inastruggle
  • Current streak: 25 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • the picture is shimshon hagibor. not st. mary....
  • Posts: 1263
  • Karma: 35
surprise gye bekiyus test 

Re: My Journey 19 Apr 2016 17:13 #285264

  • shlomo24
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 2213
  • Karma: 134
I thought it was because Mark was commenting on PA's editing...
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: My Journey 19 Apr 2016 17:50 #285271

  • Markz
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 8203
  • Karma: 426
I'll tell you on condition you don't + my karma. Deal?
My Story---------Dov Quotes




FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING
Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: My Journey 19 Apr 2016 18:08 #285277

  • thanks613
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 280
  • Karma: 13
I'm sure we'd all like to know

Re: My Journey 19 Apr 2016 18:10 #285278

  • Aryeh821
  • Current streak: 591 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 289
  • Karma: 8
thanks613 wrote:
I'm sure we'd all like to know

Maskim
Soberity is a journey NOT a destination 
 

Re: My Journey 19 Apr 2016 18:19 #285279

  • Markz
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 8203
  • Karma: 426
I wrote inna a PM last night hats I karma'd him and sincerely thanked him for his recent nice posts

His reaction was an edit note:
"mark, please stop looking at this"

Is he nuts??????

Besides, there's no such thing as 'stop looking' on guardyoureyes.com

Inna you got it??

Stop doing wheelies on your 18 wheeler!
My Story---------Dov Quotes




FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING
Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story
Time to create page: 0.85 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes