I never posted on the forums before but I've been on GYE for over a year. The beginning went very well, and with only a few slips, I managed to keep clean for almost 300 days. I recently had a fall and have been having trouble getting back on track; I fell many more times in the last few weeks. I'm starting to border on feeling out of control again, which is the worst feeling of all. Any suggestions/chizuk?

Welcome,

What worked durin' the 300?
what changed?
What are the issues?

Mainly, welcome and thanks for sharin'.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome
I recently had a fall what helped me was looking where I came from where I am and that I didn't loose any progress I look at as 300/301

WELCOME! We're glad you joined. Please keep on posting and tell us more. We are here for you!

Sorry it has been so long. One of the issues I have is making sure to continuously post. I realize it is important though and I am going to attempt to be more regular, hopefully once a week at least.

After that last post, I struggled for a few more weeks but got back on track. My biggest issue is definitely my motivation. When I am motivated and keep motivated, I usually do not have any issues with either shmiras eynayim or z"l, but if something throws me off, I still have not learned exactly how to handle that.

So no I am back. I was at 75 days on the chart and lost it again. I really was doing so well this time around, but something came up that was entirely out of my control that suddenly made things VERY difficult and I had a fall.

I spoke to my Rebbi about it and I think I am back on track. I know I need to be more on top of reading chizuk emails and I know that I need to be more in touch with people, like posting here.

One of the things that I know is important for me is that I have to avoid randomly browsing on the internet because I've become a master at "slowly slipping" into things I shouldnt be looking at while I'm browsing, while always staying on ambiguous sites, telling myself that I'm not really looking for that stuff when deep down I know I am.

As for some help from the community, I have a question that I hope someone can help with. My rebbi pointed out to me that a number of the rules surrounding shmirah including shmiras eynayim, shomer negiah, harchakos in marriage, etc. are in place because the male drive is so strong that the main way of dealing with it is to avoid bringing up the desire in the first place. It is the only foolproof way of avoiding issues. Once a man starts getting aroused though, it is an entirely different story though. That is the nisayon we try to avoid.

But what about once we are already in that nisayon? It is nearly impossible to go through life without at some point ending up aroused while there is nothing you can do about it, whether you are single, or your wife is a niddah, or by an onnes, you saw something you shouldn't have. I feel I have guidance for what to do to avoid getting into a difficult situation, but once that does come up, the only advice seems to be to just "deal with it".

I know this may be the only real answer, but maybe someone has some chizuk for this area?

Welcome! And wow, Mazal Tov on your amazing achievements thus far.

You posed some very loaded questions, but fortunately, they're all rather textbook, that is, easily answered and common for people struggling with these issues. So feel relieved about that.

Also, there are people here who have been completely sober for years, even decades. So it's definitely possible.

What's worked for the successful addicts (and you might not be an addict, remember) is letting go. Fighting, resisting, avoiding, etc. only go so far, but as you mentioned, at some point, they're not going to work. But if you're conditioned to opening yourself up to letting G-d wrest the inclination to act from you, then you're moving in the right direction.

Again, this is recovery speak, and might not apply to you if you're in one of the lower categories on the GYE addiction spectrum. Did you read that part of the site?

Dear Chaver,

If you see something by mistake, quickly implement the three-second rule, which is a life saver!

See guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/29707-Three-Second-Rule--Other-Ideas-and-Insights#244636.

This rule is also discussed on p. 15 of the GYE Handbook (which is p. 24 of the attached PDF).

1. If it's okay with you please tell us what made your life difficult all of a sudden,

2. I sense that you are concerned about the long-term results. You might be happier if you focus on the short term, for example just today. There is.no guarantee that you'll stay clean for a specific length of time. The best way to ensure long term success is to really internalize a recovery method until it becomes second nature. Part of that is what to do when you jump off the wagon.

3. When you are already aroused you want to first stop and make sure you are still motivated. Then use a tool like surrender, phone calls, posting and staying busy. It goes down if you don't feed it.

That's my two cents.

All of the above are good and accurate responses.

One who is addicted, however, has a real serious issue, for once in the thick of things (and that varies from person to person), the regular tools become difficult to use. That is when the 12 steps or other type programs kick in, for we learn that bein' aroused is not the end of the world; we learn that not gettin' what we want will not turn us into melted tuna casserole with bits of shrimp and spoiled guacamole mixed in; we learn that we are not the director of hos this scene plays out.....or, at least, we are supposed to learn all that.

b'hatzlachah

And what's so wrong with melted tuna casserole? You faultin' my cookin'?

shlomo613 wrote:


send me, and ill let you know

I guess I'm still not totally clear on this "letting go" issue. I understand it at the beginning when I've just had a fall and I realize I don't have control, but as time goes on and I don't have any issues, I do feel it is under control.

As for what made my life so hard all of a sudden, it was an issue with my wife (which for tznius reasons I will not go into) but ended up with me in a very aroused state and no outlet. Most of the way I find most effective to deal with this issue as a whole is to avoid any triggering situations, ie. no movies, no unwatched internet use, shrimps aynayim. And all that makes it much easier to handle because there is never any arousal to have to deal with. But Sometimes a person can end up aroused through no fault of their own and that is a slightly different test. Still not totally sure how to deal with it.