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Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights
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TOPIC: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 4491 Views

Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 20 Nov 2009 15:51 #29707

  • Kedusha
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[Moderator's Note: This thread was formerly called "Some Highlights from Addiction Therapist Michelle Rappaport"].

As you may know, addiction therapist Michelle Rappaport was a guest on Elya’s conference call last night.  I would like to share two important points that she made.  Although this is not a word for word transcription, I've tried to retain the key words and phrases that she used.

1.) The “Three-Second Rule:”  If you see something inappropriate, implement the “Three-Second Rule.”  Doing so involves three steps: alert, avert, and affirm.  The first step is to realize that you’re seeing something inappropriate.  That’s the “alert” stage, and it may take a second or two.  The second step is to close your eyes or look away.  That’s the “avert” stage.  These two steps should take place within [about] three seconds.  The third step is to give yourself a mental "pat on the back," thinking something like “I saw that by mistake, and I quickly looked away.  I’m still clean and, b’Ezras Hashem, I’m going to build on that, one day at a time.”  That’s the “affirm” stage.

My analysis: Adhering to the Three-Second Rule appears to be fully consistent with what the Halacha requires, and will also prevent any “slips” within rule #8 of the GYE Wall of Honor rules.  This is crucial, because, as addicts, it’s often the first slip that does us in (“just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a sex addict needs to avoid that first slip”).

2.) Using pornography today is 100 times worse than using pornography was in the past.  Internet pornography, which is so readily available, is as addictive as crack cocaine.  It used to be that there were people who used pornography without seeming to become addicted.  That is no longer the case.  Virtually anyone who uses Internet pornography is at high risk of becoming addicted.  Regarding teenagers, especially, she indicated that addiction was a virtual certainty for those exposed to Internet pornography.  Reason: no one knows about it, they're ashamed and won't tell anyone, and they’ll keep wanting to come back for more.  [The situation might be different if a parent (or other adult) finds out early on and intervenes].

The call was recorded (the recording can be downloaded - see post #6 below), and, hopefully, additional highlights will be transcribed.  Highlights from the last time Ms. Rappaport appeared on Elya's call are available here.  


Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: 28 Sep 2016 15:13 by Kedusha.

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 21 Nov 2009 16:32 #29768

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Thank you Kedusha, this is good stuff.

Can you (or someone else) get a hold of the recording and perhaps write some more tips that were shared?

Thanks!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 04 Dec 2014 23:44 by Kedusha.

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 22 Nov 2009 05:33 #29853

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The "Three-Second rule" has got to make it into the next edition of the GYE Handbook I've been on a high since I heard it.

Many times, someone on the forum has said something to the effect that "I looked away, but, maybe I waited a drop longer than I had to."  Then the y"h makes this poor soul feel guilty, when he's done nothing wrong at all, and that can lead to slips and falls, c"v.  The "three-second rule" recognizes that it may take a second or two to realize that something is amiss, and only then are you expected to look away.

[Note: The Three-Second-Rule can be found on page 15 of the GYE Handbook, which is page 24 of the attached PDF].
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Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: 28 Sep 2016 15:16 by Kedusha.

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 09 Dec 2009 19:33 #33583

  • Tomim2B
Great thread Kedusha!

About the avert and affirm stages, what I've found to work best, is to not only do this in the mind, but also in action:

If I'm overcome by a thought that pops into my mind, or if I see something inappropriate on the street that effects me, I first wipe my hand across my forehead as if to cleanse my mind - actively averting. Then I gently place my hand over my heart actively "letting go" of any negative emotion that might have come into me. It's very subtle, but it's become second nature (It's even happened to me several times that I'd wake up during a bad dream, swipe my hand across my forehead, touch my heart, and go back to sleep "free" again) and works wonders!

Since I've started doing this (2 months ago), I've had a heightened sense of awareness to my lusting and I can free myself of it before I'm road-kill. Also, when I do this, a mental note is made, where I'm able to keep track of my progress. I can look back and say, "Wow! I've been needing to touch my forehead and heart quite a bit the past day - I've really got to do some inner searching and find where this is coming from. Why am I reacting in a way that I'm under the grips? Where can I improve?". I can also say: "B"H, I've only needed to avert and affirm twice in one day! That's tremendous growth and improvement!". This "pat on the back" is so important. We need it!

2B
Last Edit: 04 Dec 2014 23:46 by Kedusha.

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 03 Feb 2010 18:54 #50967

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Kedusha wrote on 20 Nov 2009 15:51:

As you may know, addiction therapist Michelle Rappaport was a guest on Elya’s conference call last night.  I would like to share two important points that she made.  Although this is not a word for word transcription, I've tried to retain the key words and phrases that she used.

1.) The “Three-Second Rule:”  If you see something inappropriate, implement the “Three-Second rule.”  Doing so involves three steps: alert, avert, and affirm.  The first step is to realize that you’re seeing something inappropriate.  That’s the “alert” stage, and it may take a second or two.  The second step is to close your eyes or look away.  That’s the “avert” stage.  These two steps should take place within [about] three seconds.  The third step is to give yourself a mental "pat on the back," thinking something like “I saw that by mistake, and I quickly looked away.  I’m 24 days clean and, b’Ezras Hashem, I’m going to build on that, one day at a time.”  That’s the “affirm” stage.

My analysis: Adhering to the Three-Second Rule appears to be fully consistent with what the Halacha requires, and will also prevent any “slips” within rule #8 of the GYE Wall of Honor rules.  This is crucial, because, as addicts, it’s often the first slip that does us in (“just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a sex addict needs to avoid that first slip”).




In my meeting with the Rosh Yeshiva [Rav Aharon Feldman] last night, I told him about the "Three-Second Rule," and he found it very interesting.  I also explained the difference between a GYE "slip" and a "fall."
Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: 28 Sep 2016 15:17 by Kedusha.

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 04 Dec 2014 21:41 #244617

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If you'd like to listen to the above-referenced conference call with addiction therapist Michelle Rappaport, which took place in November 2009, it can be downloaded below.

Once again, this is the call that introduced the GYE community to, among other things, the "Three-Second Rule," which, for many of us, has been a game changer.

Update: The Three-Second Rule is discussed at 30:47-32:11 and at 39:06-43:12.  These 5 1/2 minutes have literally changed my life!

The idea that Internet pornography is much more addictive than the pornography of the past can be found at 43:23-48:26.
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Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: 28 Sep 2016 18:26 by Kedusha.

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 04 Dec 2014 23:50 #244636

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Note: This thread has been renamed. It was previously called: "Some Highlights from Addiction Therapist Michelle Rappaport".
Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 05 Dec 2014 02:26 #244654

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Thank you Kedusha for bringing up this thread to the surface.

Yes I can affirm that this method works although I didn't read it in the handbook, I did practice it myself and now I know better the tactics, thank you again.
הסיבה שיש דברים קשים העוברים עליך היא בגלל שהאדם חושב כי "אני עומד" שהוא מנהל הכל,
ברגע שיתן הכנעה כי השי"ת מנהיג הכל אז כבר אפשר להתמודד עם הקשיים. שמעתי מאדם גדול

If life is a LEMON make LEMONADE

Thank You Hashem for every moment of Sobriety!

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 05 Dec 2014 02:40 #244659

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yeah it works tremendously
when going forward gets tough, its merely a sign that you are going uphill, just give more gas
put your sobriety first; before your wife, before your kids, before your avodas HaTorah (except for the 3 that are יעבור ואל יהרג) Without sobriety you won't have any of those things!

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 24 Jul 2015 17:45 #260251

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Wow, this thread brings back such wonderful memories from my early days at GYE. Now, close to six years after I first posted this, I'm still a great fan of the Three-Second-Rule.
Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: 24 Jul 2015 17:46 by Kedusha.

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 24 Jul 2015 18:45 #260257

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I think if i subscribed to the 3 second rule, I would constantly look for 2.999 seconds (which would eventually lead to me looking for more of course). I guess it works for some people :shrug:.

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 24 Jul 2015 19:37 #260262

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Just to clarify, the Three-Second Rule does not give one permission to look deliberately at something inappropriate for under three seconds.
Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: 28 Sep 2016 15:12 by Kedusha.

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 26 Jul 2015 02:30 #260275

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Ahhh, you just ruined all my fun. (Just joking)
Much Hatzlacha!

My Threads:
Glad to be here
Don't slip it hurts
Lions & Tigers & Internet, Oh My!

--"ולא המדרש עיקר, אלא המעשה"
--"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." Mark Twain
--"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.
--You hit rock bottom when you decide to stop digging.

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 07 Jan 2016 23:12 #273651

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Wow.
Thank you.
This details matter.

Re: Three-Second-Rule & Other Ideas and Insights 26 Sep 2016 19:21 #295608

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Now may be a good time to bring this thread to the top once again.  I'm hoping everyone out there knows the Three-Second Rule.  However, some of us may be unfamiliar with it, and the Chazarah can't hurt for the rest of us.
Just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid that first slip.Slip today? No way! ;)Fall today? No way, Jose'!
Last Edit: 28 Sep 2016 15:11 by Kedusha.
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