So true. Thank you for the reminder.

You know, I stayed clean for about 13 months, then fell back to old habits, before joining Guardyoureyes.

I also noticed that some on the chart had been clean a long time before falling back. Here's my cheerful (?) thought about that: These people are HONEST about their falls. That's why their records show a long time clean and then a fall. Besides that, these people GET UP AGAIN. What strength! What determination! Of course they'll stay clean longer and longer, because clearly they're determined. I'm overwhelmed by these guys.

100% true!
falling back for a week, then getting back up and running, is far better then rolling in the ashes forever

WOW! Three weeks already! Almost a quarter way in. The not going on the internet thing passed a certain time is turning out to be really hard. At this point I told my self that I can ONLY go onto GYE. It's funny because it kind of "gives you something to do". I am not sure if anyone relates to this, but I have some nights where I finish doing everything I need to do (including learning for a while), yet I still feel like "I need to do something" before I go to sleep. A lot of times in the past I would just surf the net for a while. At this point GYE message boards are kind of filling that gap.
The other thing that is kind of weird is that in the past week I have had dreams of me going on bad websites (and getting mad at myself for doing so). This happened twice. It seems like it might be a symptom of this 90 day thing. Has this happened to anyone else?

No; most of us do that when we are awake!

focus on today please.

Thanks.

b'hatzlachah

But don't worry, I've had that type of dream too. Don't read into it too much, just keep moving forward and just don't act out your dream while awake.

Hi, and thank you for this nice thread and for keeping us posted on your recovery. Your posts give me strength.

If I may share a few thoughts about Shabboss. We find a similar situation when it comes to smoking. People who chain smoke daily can stop on Shabboss. Some of the reasons I can think of as to why Shabboss provides a respite from addiction are as follows: The most pashut answer is that it's one day and there isn't much we can't wait one day to do. That is seen in general in the concept of "one day at a time" in recovery. In that same vein, looking at just today brings our focus into the present and away from the regrets of the past and the worries of the future. Also and as you mentioned, many times a fail starts with an innocent internet search, and on Shabboss we don't even begin to search. That second point really brings home the necessity to have much vigilance in our recovery and avoid behaviors that may lead us to fail. Another point in that our addictive behaviors are usually a result of our lack of spiritual growth and are healed by our growing on spiritual lines. We may have stress from work, resentments, failures, ego, lack of acceptance and many other character defects and problems that cause us to act compulsively. For me when Shabboss comes on, as a practical matter and perhaps as a spiritual matter as well, the stresses of the week disappear or at least become more manageable. I think that part of the reason for that (at least for me)is that I know that on Shabboss there is nothing I can do about the things stressing me. I can't make phone calls, I can't conduct business, I can't plan for after Shabboss snd since I can't do anything about them I just surrender to that fact and accept that fact.

I want to really thank you for asking that question, because it seems that Shabboss can teach us a lot about recovery and validates much of what we learn in the 12 steps!

Just for my own benefit, I want to make a bullet list of some of the things I can learn from Shabboss in furtherance of sobriety.

. Surrender
. Acceptance
. One day at a time
. Turn our will over to God
. Prayer
. Higher Power
. Spiritual growth
. Vigilance
. Miracle
. Fellowship (being with people all keeping Shabboss.)

In the interest of honesty, I have been mi'challel Shabboss while engaging my addiction. That only happened when the behavior started well before Shabboss and I couldn't stop, R"L I should never know from it again. But once I finally started Shabboss, I was fine. It was always a pelah to me.

Anyone else have any thoughts?

Maybe read a good book to fill that time.

Don't worry about the dreams. I've had them and still have them from time to time.

Just wake up, reassure yourself that it was just a dream, and move on - just as you would any other disturbing dream.

Thank you everyone for the responses. Knowing that people are following my journey gives me strength to keep pushing forward. Today was a really rough day. I stayed home sick in bed. A lot more free time to do absolutely nothing. This really spells disaster. I really wanted to fall today. I decided to go onto GYE instead. Still the temptation to fall is so great. I keep telling myself that it is never going to be enough and to just get through today. It also makes it so much harder when some advertisement, etc. comes up and you take a second look. The yetzer hara tries to convince you that you already fell. I know I should limit my Internet use a lot more, and I really usually am better at it. But today was so hard because I am SO BORED. Anyway, really hard day today.

I can relate to this. I just spent 4 straight days at home instead of on the job. Yes, one of them was Shabbat, thank Gd, but what about the others?

As far as the advertising problem goes, I just now logged on to Guardyoureyes BECAUSE of an ad. I looked up a term on Ask.com...and guess what? Just to the right is a photo of a 20-something woman in a tight top. An ad for testosterone, haw haw...and I understand that one of the physical side effects of porn is difficulty getting an erection. In other words, the evil "dream" helps destroy the Gd-given ability to satisfy a real woman. If that isn't ironic, nothing is.

So...hoping that I did it within 3/10ths of a second as mentioned by R' Twerski...I closed the screen and got on to Guardyoureyes. An island of sanity in an ocean of crud. Thank all of you and thank Gd.

I didn't pass that 3/10 of a second thing. I looked it up by the rules of the 90 day chart and I think I can safely categorize what happened as a "slip". A "slip" 23 days in a guess isn't too bad, but the real challenge comes after the slip. The Yetzer Hara tries to convince you that you aren't clean anymore. He tries to convince you that it was a fall. Restart the your streak, and once you are restarting you might as well take advantage and have some real fun.
Haha. It kind of sounds ridiculous when i write it. Just because I saw a few pictures of immodestly dressed woman and enjoyed them should make it permitted to spend the next few hours (or days) watching even worse filth? But the Yetzer Hara doesn't have to be logical. At least now with GYE I can share these thoughts and realize how ridiculous they are.

R' Breakin' Out,

I went thru this thread again, and looked at all your posts.
You have had this issue for close to 15 years.

Every post of yours (besides one I believe) mentions the yetzer hara.
Now, he may very well be a player in this fight; I do not know.

Many of us who are addicted to lustful behavior know that we cannot fight the yetzer hara, for he is way too powerful. As a matter of fact, some of us even believe that we are powerless completely over this, and you know somethin'...they really truly believe that - they are not just sayin' it.

Be that as it may, they know that there are causes for this addictive behavior, and their work ethic mirrors that...meanin' that they are not takin' this battle and struggle head on collision course, but they are scrutinizin' their inner selves as to what the cause for this behavior may be. The cause is not the internet, a shapely young woman, a seductive older one, a couple holdin' hands in the street, etc, but rather, there is somethin' deeper....a defect of sorts perhaps.

They work steps either to fix that defect, or to realize that they can't even do that, and they must surrender to God, and He will do whatever He will do.
Now, I'm sorry for ramblin', but my main point is that it is quite clear from your posts that you are 'white-knucklin' it...avoidin' the internet, closin' your eyes when you walk, sluggin' it out with the yetzer hara, etc.

What will happen when somewhere down the line when you will be in front of a computer with internet opened? What might happen when you meet with a woman at work (like discussed on a different thread)? What will happen when your wife has an extended week of tumah (I do not recall you mentionin' wife in this thread)?

In conclusion, and I am talkin' to myself here, but just usin' your words to bring out the point to myself that Dr. Twerski and others label someone an addict if he consistently tries to stop doin' a certain behavior, but he cannot get it under control, and like you wrote in your openin' post, and as I did in mine, there is a good chance some of us are addicted....so my challenge is simply: What the Hell are we gonna do about it?

With kindest feelin's to all,

Avrohom

Hi cordnoy.
Thank you for going back and reviewing this whole thread. As I said before, the fact that I know that people are following this gives me the strength to keep on going.
But I think you kind of missed a common theme running through many of my posts. From the beginning of my journey I have been asking questions (is it good to feel confident, why don't we have these urges on shabbos, what makes people fall after 90 days, etc.). I have also tried to retrace my steps and habits and try to figure out what makes us fall.
As you asked "what the hell are we gonna do about it?", that is exactly what I am trying to figure out. I am trying to figure out how this "yetzer hara" (or "addiction" if you are more comfortable with that term) works and where are our strengths and weaknesses. Thereby learning how to more effectively fight it. As it says in the beginning of Mesilas Yesharim, step one is that one has to make a cheshbon. Without it we have no chance.

Please do a search for Dov's posts, where he writes about this extensively, or copy your post and send him as pm or an email.

Let us know please.

Thanks