Hi, not sure if anybody reads these things but for some reason if feels good to write. I basically have been struggling with this for around 14 years. Sounds kind of scary when it's put in that context. Not that the whole time I've been doing it. I have had my weeks off or months off, but at the end of the day I keep falling back in. I'm sick of this, I want to move on with life. I want to NEVER go back EVER. I know the yetzer hara has his ways. I need ALOT of help from Hashem. This is why I'm here...

Hi and Welcome

First of all YES many people read these threads, and it does make a difference.

Welcome to the right place, post and read, the guys here are very understanding and nonjudgmental, much help is available.

Wishing you Hatzlacha on long life journey day by day.

Hi Breaking,
You could have written your post for me because I have the exact same challenge. You will find many many wonderful people on GYE who share your pain and want to work together to get clean. Welcome Tzaddik.
Let me know if you want to chat online through email (pischoshelmachat@gmail.com) or even on the telephone.
Keeping together is our strength.

Yes, we read this.
Wishin' you hatzlachah in recovery.

Breakingout wrote:

OUCH. That hurts.
There better be somebody reading these things!

Hi Breakingout! It's nice to have you with us. You have taken a very important step. Stick around. keep reading and posting.

Thanks guys for reading. It's nice to be in this special corner of the internet where we can all do this together, fighting against the world. (I know that sounds cheesy...I'm still thinking of an appropriate analogy).
Anyway this is really my third day "clean" and it feels good. As I've seen from other posts, the challenge is when the inspiration dies down...
Anyway just saw a nice tidbit from dafyomi two days ago (Yevamos 63b):
"Things that get one close to sin is like a spark that can light up a huge flame".
So true...

Nice attitude!

We like to say the followin' around here:

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try

I was just reading the handbook and they pointed out how the average person wouldn't be machalel shabbos to do this aveirah. I actually thought about this several years ago but I am not sure why this is true. Someone wouldn't even break second day of Yom Tov to do this aveirah. Anybody have any theory why the mind works this way?

for we are not addicted to that.
we don't eat treif either.

Let me rephrase the question that was bothering me. On Shabbos most don't have a yetzer hara to turn on the computer to go onto bad websites. Why not? BECAUSE ITS SHABBOS! HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK OF TURNING ON A COMPUTER. But on Motzei Shabbos it's all of a sudden not so bad to go onto these websites. The addiction for going onto bad websites existed on shabbos, but for some reason shabbos stopped him. Probably because breaking shabbos is such a sever transgression. But going onto these websites in itself is also a severe transgression. So why is that not enough to stop him?

We ARE the world!

Because we are not being tested on Chilul Shabbos even when the issur of ולא תתורו is just as bad there we are being tested, unfortunately we all know someone or more, that are being tested with Shabbos (especially OTD youth) they find just as difficult to overcome.

Welcome!!!

Great thing you joined!!

This is a amazing oilam and very useful site. So use it to the best of your ability.

Looking forward to seeing you around!!!

Wow! This is my sixth day clean. It feels great! Just thinking of where I was last week makes me feel sick. At this point I really feel like I never want to go back. I step outside, feel the wind in my face, feel my feet on the ground, take a deep breath. It really all feels AMAZING! I feel free, no numbness. I have been clean for longer periods of time in the past. Not sure why it feels different this time. Maybe it's the psychological step of actively committing to never going back? I don't know...
On the other hand there is this constant fear that the Yetzer Hara will strike, like this is the calm before the storm. I'm not sure if I have to listen to these fears for it is reckless not to. Or on the other hand maybe it's the Yetzer Hara himself trying to stop me from enjoying life so much, enjoying this freedom.
I am still scared to confront the skeletons in my closet even though I know that eventually I will have to if I truly want to be free.
I guess at this point time will tell.
May Hashem grant us all siyata dishmaya to succeed.