I have had this site bookmarked for several months already by now. Today I actually signed up. I don't know why I have been so hesitant to sign up but I think it may be that a certain part of me is afraid. Actually, I am definitely afraid. Really afraid.

I am a 27 years old yungerman, married for nearly four years, with two cute boys (oldest will be three be"h in a few months!), and learning pretty well in kollel. I first viewed porn when I was in 8th grade and was on and off for a few years (mostly depending on availability). However, as I got older, I came to rely more and more on porn and I always found a way to make it available. To be honest, I am actually shocked that I haven't been "found out" yet (at least to the best of my knowledge! ). Oh, the fear of getting caught!! (I am still petrified of being recognized/found out!) I really wanted to break out of it and I have tried many times to remove my access. The problem was that I would always leave myself backdoor access, you know, for "just in case". Some times, I actually did slam the door shut, but sooner or later, another form of access presented itself (or rather, I sought out).

This intensified especially while I was learning in E"Y where I had a dira that had unfiltered internet and an internet-enabled device. I eventually got rid of the device as well as left the dira, but by that point I was already relying heavily on porn. I dont think I want to go into specific details right now because I am embarrassed by some of the things I would do in order to get "my fix". Suffice it to say that I thought of myself as a real bad person. Even after coming back to the States, I would go to some extremes to be able to get access to unfiltered internet (or even "filtered", there is always a way around if you want it bad enough).

And then I got married. I thought all would change then. I thought I would be able to control my urges now that I had a wife (isn't that what everyone always said would happen? That your wife will save you from using your desires inappropriately?) I even spoke to someone (well-known chosson teacher) about two months after I was married. I had not yet acted out but I guess I kind of felt it coming. He asked me if I thought i was addicted and I said no. He thought that I would be OK. I didn't but I trusted his opinion.

Turns out, I probably am addicted. I even went to a therapist for a couple months (that was a party trying to explain that to my wife!) but it has not seemed to help much.

Which brings me to today. I took the plunge and signed up for the 90 day challenge.
To be continued...

Welcome W2S! Your story sounds pretty familiar. Not because I know you, but because so many of us had similar experiences. Keep on posting, and the oilam will have plenty of chizuk and, more importantly, advice and experience to offer.
The only thing you have to fear (BESIDES fear itself) is losing the opportunity to connect with a great support group and start living life to the fullest.

Moish

WELCOME,and MAZAL TOV for joining. I couldv'e written almost everything that you posted. I also didn't know what to do, but I knew that I kept getting worse. Finally, my wife caught me. It wasn't pretty, to say the least. I'm not sure how to advise you regarding the wife. As I said, my wife found out the hard way. Some people's wives know and some don't.

I would not tell your wife until you are on firmer ground with regards to recovery. That said, there may come a time to tell her. Most people that have told (or have been caught), have found it to be a blessing in the end.

Read the handbook. Browse the forum. Keep posting. See what works for you. I learned a lot here, and I would not be where I am today without GYE. We're glad to have you aboard!

Bigmoish wrote:


Ditto

Eli

Wow. Absolutely amazing how that is almost identical to my story, in so many many ways. I just joined recently and I think that we have to admit that we are an addict which is a sickness and we can't!! Help ourselves we need to find help from some one outside of our selves (make sure to go through the 12 steps) as horrible as it sounds that we are an addict until we admit it we are not going to get help.
good luck in your journey I'm totally with you. we are in this together.

reallygettingthere wrote:

Ditto too

Welcome,

your road to recovery should be blessed with hatzlachah

we are all your friends.

Thank you for taking the courageous step of signing up and posting. You won't regret it!

ZemirosShabbos wrote:


What is this, the Rush Limbaugh show?

welcome W2S, your story is pretty common around here and you've taken the big scary plunge onto the road to recovery. Wishing you much Hatzlacha on your journey upwards.


Megadittos and KOMT!!

Welcome W2S!!!

Great first step and mazel tov for joining!!! As many said your story is very common and many can relate to a large extent. Many have also tried lots of times but found gye as a real tool to finally kick or rather control this addiction.

So hang in there and keep posting the oilam here is great and really care so join the club and KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!

Thank you to everyone for all of your support! It is actually really helpful (although from the sound of it, most of you already know that!!)

The truth is that I though I was writing to a diary, I didn't necessarily mean to be starting a new topic in the forums. Is there a more appropriate place for this?(especially if there is some stuff that is more appropriate for married men?) I just kind of wanted to write (more for myself than anything) some things I was feeling/experiencing and try to be honest/come clean to myself...

Either way, I guess here would be a good spot to bring up something that has been confounding me. How am I going to survive without this crutch? I mean this seriously. There really are times that I just feel really down/rotten/miserable. I don't really know how to cope with that. Even on the occasions that I am able to control myself and not turn to porn, I am not left feeling good about it, I am just left still feeling miserable. (Granted, porn didn't make me feel better long-term either. It usually left me feeling even more miserable than before and that would lead to another "episode", but it seems to be the only way I know how to deal with those feelings.) I don't think I need medication or anything, I feel like I can confront this and deal with it. It is more of a question that when I do try to tell myself "OK, stop. This is not going to help at all", I don't really come up with a better solution. Tool #5 in the GYE handbook is alternative fulfillment which I feel like would be very helpful to me. I just don't know how to do that.

Thanks to all of you for your insight and support!!

wants2succeed wrote:


Hi there - welcome,

I find that after years and years (or decades) of resorting to this crutch for instant gratification, I have come to realize that, like drugs, it's fake and phony. The pleasure passes all too soon, and it gets replaced with terrible misery. After a while of trying and achieving some stretches of sobriety, I've come to taste true guilt-free pleasure - the pleasure of life as it was meant to be lived. So nowadays when nature comes calling for another "shot", I take a moment to think "is it worth it?", and the answer becomes more and more obvious - why give up real clean happy life for fake dirty miserable hell?

Yes I know, sometimes easier said than done; but it's worth thinking about. It's the 'real' truth, after all.

Hatzlacha

MT

I suppose you could keep a private diary if you want. I think there is a way to lock a topic and not allow others to post on it. It's almost never used. The power of the forum is in "sharing". (BTW, there is a balei batim section for the purpose of sharing stuff that only marrieds should see.)

Which brings me to another point you made. You talk about using porn as a crutch. Yes, that is part of our problem. We use porn instead of friendships. So you see, posting on the forum and getting support from friends, can replace your dependance on porn.

This was a really novel concept to me, but it really works. Most people eventually do contact other GYErs (as we affectionately call each other) at some point by phone, and many even meet in person. This may sound intimidating now, but there is no rush. Keep posting, start making friends. It will help more than you can imagine.

One of our big problems is staying in isolation, and trying to solve/figure out our problems all by ourselves. The power of the forum is the power of connection.

wants2succeed wrote:


WELCOME

medication definitely won't really deal with those feelings although it may cover them up.
narcotics can help like that also and they could make you feel good, really good, at least for a little bit.
finding other ways to feel fulfilled will only deal with the root of the problem if the root was based on not feeling fulfilled. otherwise it may help by keeping you busy and happy and thereby distracted in a good healthy way but won't really deal with the root either.
opening up is also very helpful in several ways but is not necessarily dealing with the root
for some the 12 steps help them figure out the root of their problems or teach thejm how to deal with it
for me personally step 4 and 5 were a major game changer

stick around and figure out what works for you

wants2succeed wrote:


Welcome.
A short time after i joined this wonderful website, i started to realize i need to find anothere way to escape, but then i understood with the help of the oilam, that indeed it was time to start focusing on the reasons that i was feeling down and depressed.
And that is what i started working on, one incident at a time. Not being able (in my mind) to run to porn, I was forced to start facing up to the different things pulling at my emotions, and I got to know myself alot better.
I have learned how to deal with things in a much healthier fashion.
Next time you are feeling down, come to gye, post and chat with guys and share what is on your mind, the guys are a big help.
Hatzlocho