Sholom Aleichem,

I'm twenty years old and I've been struggling with this yezter harah for years (images on internet, and הז״ל), except I didn't realize it was a bad thing until a few years ago. Once i learnt what i was doing was bad, i tried staying away but obviously with no work or help, i didn't get anywhere.

What I feel is very necessary, is trying to identify exactly why I am acting out and then try to work to fix the problem. The problem is, I'm not sure exactly what is driving me to act out?

Most of the time, when I am in Yeshiva, I don't have any means of going on the internet and looking at pictures, and by way of that being מז״ל. So in yeshiva, I have no drive, or at least a very very very little drive, since i know that I can't get any pictures anyway, plus I'm always involved in my learning and my time is occupied with learning, so there's no time to do anything else b"h.

However, when I am home during bein hazmanim, and there is access to the internet, my drive to look at things is so strong! My yetzer harah is tries to get me to look at pictures purely for enjoyment purposes. I don't feel down or depressed which the yetzer harah could utilize, i don't have any problems that that the yetzer harah tries to use against me in order to tell me that i could go to another place where there are no problems etc...

The yezter harah is simply telling me that it is super enjoyable which is enough to get me most of the time. And frankly, it is enjoyable for about 5 seconds... But I know that it is wrong and I hate it after the fact obviously.

So what I'm trying to figure out, exactly what my problem is and exactly how to combat it.

Any Ideas??
Thanks

WELCOME!!!!!!!!

I don't know if there necessarily has to be a problem. You could just be attracted enough to become addicted.

What have you been doing for recovery? whats steps have you taken or will take?

Check out the GYE Handbook and Skep's tips

I'm going to share some of my experience so far, maybe you can gain something out of it for yourself (right now I'm in the mood of falling so either way, I'm going to gain by posting).

When I came here almost two years ago, I knew that my only problem was what yours is, just plain tayvah. Porn is definitely an enjoyable activity and in my case I seem to have a gift for rationalizing and added to the fact that I had been doing it for so long, I wasn't really feeling too bad about it either. I just knew that it was wrong and therefore I should stop.

After some attempts I was clean for a significant time and then I started noticing an interesting pattern. For some reason, when I was stressed, upset, tired, or otherwise in a bad frame of mind, the urge to fall was a lot stronger than the rest of the time. I broke that streak in a particularly stressful time.

A few comments that came to mind when I read your post:

1)Your problem is very possibly just tayvah, if the only reason you want to stop is because you know it's wrong then it's quite likely that that is indeed the case. Of course if you really want to know then you would have to ask a professional not a random member of gye.

2)Stress can definitely help you fall no matter what the root is. If you're feeling down then you have a lot less strength to do the right thing in any area of life.

3)At the end of the day it doesn't make that much of a difference what the root is. What matters is what you do practically. In my mind there are two parts to this, and we need both of them. The parts are, the physical aspect, and the mental aspect.
The physical aspect is your battle plan, filters, gedarim, kabbalos, etc. The mental aspect is improving our attitudes and perspectives on all parts of life with an emphasis on lust.

The simplest way of making your battle plan is by trying to find the patterns of when you're likely to fall, e.g. unfiltered internet, alone in your room, at night, etc. Then make take steps to keep yourself from being in that situation, gye has plenty of tools and the forum is full of people who can help you if you ask.

The mental part is probably more important, and harder too. That more or less requires you to change your whole outlook on life. I didn't realize how poisoned my mind was from the outside world. The world looks at lust as a necessity, a positive natural urge, and that it's wrong to deny yourself. The reality is quite different and it takes work to reprogram ourselves.

We also have to learn to deal with life differently, and make it a more positive experience. I definitely changed a lot through gye, I gained a bunch of new friends, a very different outlook in life, so if you want to change then this just might be the place to do it. Sorry for rambling on and on.

Good luck.

KOP (keep on posting)

Two Questions about the מדה of תאוה:

1) When thinking of how to work on a מדה, for exampke כעס, I would assume that a good way to work on anger is to work on the מדה of patience to counteract the מדה of כעס? Does this make sense? If it does, what would be the מדה that counters the מדה of תאוה that i would be able to strengthen?

2) Is there a way to use the מדה of תאוה for something positive? Or is this מדה solely negative?

Thanks!

1)Reb Chaim Vital says המיאום בכל תענוגי הגוף ומותריו המוכרחים
focusing on the mius of hanaas oilam hazeh- However it is not a simple avoda
עי' מסילת ישרים פרק ט"ו
שיסתכל האדם בגריעות תענוגות העולם הזה ופחיחותם מצד עצמם והאעות הגדולות שקרובות להולד מהם.
see the rest of the perek there.
When you know that you might be having these nisyonos, you may want to spend a daily mussar learning this perek of mesilas yesharim

2) tayva is negative. cheshek can be a similar midda for positive things, but the defenition of tayva is wanting things that are only superficially pleasurable.

That being said, many people have not been successful using these tools to stay clean. Be aware of yourself, limit your possibilites to fall. Only computers with filters if you need computers at all at your age.
Stay strong and keep coming back to report on your progress.
Maybe find someone you feel comfortable with here on the site and make a personal connection through the phone to be in touch with him when the going gets rough.
Hatzlocho

Hi friend. The root of the desire is brought down in the zohar non-stop.
The depth of what our work down here is really about, is shmiras habris.
That is at the core of all of creation, and what hashem essentially wants from us. a

All the other commandments and our entire lives are all tools for us to utilize in executing this mission. That is what drives us, and that is the root of our so called "problem". So the "problem" is not a problem but rather the "solution" and the reason for the creation of the entire world in the fist place.This is repeatedly brought down in all chasidic seforim throughout the Torah.

The zohar says in almost every page- that the word tzadik- means a shomer habris.

While in the nigla part of the Torah the word talmid chochom is used- the pnimius of that says the zohar is being shomer habris, which of course can only be achieved through toiling in Torah.

As hashem created he world for us to serve him in order to be rewarded, and the more one serves him, that much more of hashems will gets accomplished. The more tzidkus and tzadikim the world via hashem produces,
that much more of hashems will gets fulfilled and gets us closer to the tikkun hasholem and moshiach and the revelation of ain od milvado and that the whole thing was all hashem in the first place, including the nisyonos, falls etc.

The Tiferes shlomo and most if not all chasidic sfroim quote this over and over. again.

Hashem made it so and therefore knows that we are not going to be all tzadikim gemurim, so levels of tzidkus is what its about for us regular people.

As far as other mitzvos being his will- thats true of course. The zohar explains to us that all the mitzvos are all part of the master plan of us doing his will and therefore acquiring more and more the madreiga of levels of being a tzadik. At the core i.e. nucleus of being a tzadik says the zohar and all th chasidic sforim, is shomer habris. So on the pshat level (from the four levels of pardes) we do all the mitzvos , on the sod level there is a central point to it all. shomer habris.

That was the deper sin of mechiras yosef-
as yosef is the source of shmiras habris and kedusha- the mechira of yosef to mytzrayim was in its depth a pgam habris which is part and parcel of the 10 drops of zera that yosef lost by potifars house of what was would have been 10 shvatim which would have been from yosef - and that is what led to the necessity of golus, to rectify the pgam habris and to elevate all the kedusha that fell into the tuma and this our mission in golus. All this was in the plans originally.

Shemiras Habris is definitely a biggy that is why is called the Yesod and foundation of everything .But i could want with all my heart and soul be a shomer bris 24 / 7 , without specific tools , strategies and correct action together with deep introspection i would remain wanting for ever . That is if i already made a pgam . I can not speak for a zadik gamur that had never pogem .

Hi 9494. The women are here to be a ezer to our shmiras habris.As theyre an ezer for us as a whole as well, so its a collective effort. Older people obviously had their turn with kedushas habris as well.

As an aside the older people still have the avoda of kedusha in all areas i.e machshovo,keeping their eyes holy etc.,

May I ask what are you talking about I do not understand:(

May be I am not suppose to

I guess I had never thought of it that way I have to absorb that a hour or twwo Gives me something to think about today Thanks

9494 wrote:


I don't think he meant that they are just here to be an "outlet". In a larger sense their role is to do their part by being a test because otherwise it would not be a struggle at all, and at the same time they have the responsibility to act in the proper manner so as not to be too much of a temptation.

Obviously I don't mean to say that a woman's whole and only purpose in life is to be Tzniyus. She has many important roles in all aspects of life. I just wanted to point out that even in this area of Shmiras Habris she has a larger role to play than just being an "outlet".