k, but how do I keep the urge from coming back later today or tomorrow, etc.?

I think we have enough to concern ourselves with about right now. You should take it one day at a time! as my good friend Pidaini rephrased it, we really should say one now at a time. We should concentrate only on right now. Yes we must prepare for the future but only a little bit. Our main concentration is on right now because we can really only affect right now.

So just take a deep breath, chill and smile!

Gibor lets see you live up to your name and kick it!!!!

HOW?

Our dear friend Dms1234 already explained it in and out. You did great gibor work by coming here while the page was already loading. So you can do it and please KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!

Thanks DMS.....youre doin' good work....somethin' to be proud of.

Gibor, you got advice from a pro....don't worry about the bastard's plan for tonight or tomorrow; focus on moment before you.

And by the way, what action do you take in workin' on recovery?

b'hatzlachah

Thanks guys, I need some support because this monster isn't going away. Everyone seems to agree with DMS. I'm not trying to argue, just to understand. First, a little background. On and off I have been fighting this sickness for more than 14 years. My YH, p&m are enemies that I am pretty familiar with. I notice the patterns. Usually, somethings triggers me (stress, dissapointment, etc.), but I don't usually resort to p&m right away. It's usually more like "Hayom omer lecha aseh kach, umochor..." first I'll watch a pareve video, then something which still isn't porn but may not be so appropriate and slowly but surely I get drawn it until it's basically too late. Frequently, I will stop myself even while watching a pareve video and I will tell myself that continuing to watch this will only lead to shazal. So I will stop watching it. But inevitably, the urge comes back that night or the next day and it's only a matter of time until the persistent bastard wins out. People here talk about knowing your triggers, I know what gets me. My problem is in dealing with it. So when I talk about tonight and tomorrow, it's a real concern. It never happens for me that if I stop myself once, then the danger has passed. He always comes back until he gets what he wants and he makes me miserable until he gets it. (sometimes he makes me so miserable that I just give in so he will go away. [and yes, sometimes he does go away for a week or so]) So, while I am happy that I stopped myself for now, I know (and can feel inside myself) that he will be back worse than ever. I doubt that my situation is unique, I am only writing it so you can better understand my question. My question was and is, what steps do I take to guard myself against the oncoming onslaught? What can I do to keep him away?

With all due respect to DMS, breathing may work while in the moment. But I want to know how to prevent that moment from coming. Does that make sense?

Cordnoy, I didn't understand what you meant by "And by the way, what action do you take in workin' on recovery?" Maybe what you are talking about is the answer to my question.

How are you fightin' it?
we all have the same or similar built-up energy inside of us.
we convince ourself that it will burst sooner or later.
we need to learn the tools.
firstly, and perhaps, most importantly...what is causin' these stressers or triggers? is it defects in our personality? Are we perfectionists perhaps? If so, look at Gibbor's profile for the links to dr sorotzkin. is it other things? have we accepted that we are powerless (if in fact we are, which many of us are...like myself)? have we gone thru the whitebook step by step?
do we know what 'surrender' means? What is done when we see an attractive person in the street? We/you/I need to learn these life tools.

Have you?

Great post!

I think you are looking at this as a fight against the Yetzer. A glorious fight. Recovery is leaving that battle and focusing on becoming a better person. So i think you need to first breath and then work on those underlying issues like stress and resentment.

Of course we have to also put in preventive measures like filters and tapsic etc but they won't solve or problem EVEN guarding our eyes (sorry Guard )

There are 3 things we need to work on.

1 - Shmiras Einayim (This is important.)- Many people make the mistake that if they allow themselves to check out girls, or entertain inappropriate thoughts, but are not looking at "porn" or masturbating, they are ok. They think they are starving their lust, but in reality, these actions are feeding it. Sooner or later, it'll lead to full out falling.

2.Trust in Hashem - Instead of fantasizing about how things in life should be, instead of focusing on how things aren't going our way, instead of wishing we had things we don't - Trust in Hashem that His plan is better than ours and that He's taking care of us. This translates into being able to smile, breathe, and deal with issues in our lives calmly and efficiently, instead of stressing and seeking to escape.

3. Awareness - Be aware that feelings and thoughts come and go. Just because they're there, doesn't mean we need to entertain them, give into them, or panic. We are not prisoner to them. Not giving into them will not cause body parts to fall off. We can change our focus to something else, and/or ask Hashem to take them away, and we will be just fine.

Gibor wrote:


First of all, as far as your question as whether it is unique, I can only speak for myself and therefore at worst it is unique to both of us. (If that would still be called unique). You have expressed very well what would once go through my mind often. (especially the feeling of just getting over with it already.)
I learned in my early days of gye that often what was really causing me to want to act out was not the lust in itself. It was the things that were causing the lusting (frustration, solitude, depression, amongst others). While it was hard to get rid of the lusting, I have learned to work on the underlining causes. Once the underlining causes go away (Through taking a step back to deal with the frustration, reaching out to others for the solitude, and getting out of the depression, as examples) the lust usually goes away with it.
It is not a quick solution but in the end it leads to a happier and more fulfilling life.
In general, I have found that reaching out to others from the forum, through chats, emails, and phone calls have helped me get past the danger zones never to come back (until the next bout) I had a bout a few weeks ago where I just sent out about 10 SOS emails waiting for responses. Just that was enough to help me and I fell asleep only to wake up to tons of divrei chizzuk waiting in my inbox.
Hatzlacha. (and you can reach out to me at unanumun@gmail.com through email or google chat if you would like. Also I am sure that the other guys would share their contact info so they can be there for you when you need it. Also so you can be there for us)

Gibor wrote:


You are an inspiration to us all!

Please, please, do yourself (& your wife) a favor and take some time to really read through some of the threads in the baalei batim section. Focus on the issue of giving to her without any(ANY) expectations. When I first read how everyone was writing that I thought it didn't apply to me- I was always giving to her for her sake. Then I allowed it to sink in (not without a flight like a fish on a hook!) Slowly that maybe I haven't and I wasn't. I'm telling you that it has done WONDERS for our marriage and for me (aside from the fact that it reduces one of the greatest triggers, which is when we are feeling hurt or rejected by our wives- but that shouldn't be your motivation).

Remember always that you're part of a chevra, and are a source of inspiration for us all!
גמר חתימה טובה

I feel the same way.I am a good father a helpful husband I just get nisyanos a lot and really have to battle to survive. I think this site is great I have been coming everyday to see other people trying and being successful has helped me alot

Mr. yr74, welcome.
why don't you start your own personal thread and let people try to help you with whatever struggles you might have.

Lookin' forward.

b'hatzlachah

Okay, I finally have a few minutes of downtime and the wife is preoccupied, so I can finally get onto this site. (I haven't told her about my struggles, partly because I don't have the courage and partly because Dov says that it isn't her problem, why should she have to be burdened with it...) Anyway, I really have been meaning to log on just to thank you guys for your support and for getting me through those crazy few days. Dms, cordnoy, skep, unanumun and neshamaincharge thank you so much for taking your own personal time to help me. There was a flood of so much good information that it will take me some time to process and go through everything. And, for me, time is a luxury that is at a minimum right now. I hope to study up on everything you guys wrote. I will respond in time. In the meantime, I'm staying clean forever ... one day at a time, in large part thanks to everyone on this site.

That was great stuff!!

Too bad I missed it while it was hot!

How you doing?