Great stuff here!

You are movin' right along.

Those people that come here and post once should learn from you.

Look at how much you opened up and learned about others, about yourself in less than three days!

b'hatzlachah

also, check out "dov quotes". I have a link in my signature. One of the first ones is called "Nuclear Reset". You might like it (and the 100 or so other posts too).

skeptical, thanks for taking the time to respond. just had a little fight with the wifey, why is it so hard to communicate with women? why is everything so emotional with them? plus some "stuff" came out last night in my sleep. I hate that! Even though I try so hard to work on my self during the day. It doesn't matter, because this crap is so ingrained in me that if I don't do it consciously, it will still happen subconsciously in my sleep. Makes me so mad!!!
Anyway, i got my guard up, but it doesn't seem like the YH is making his push yet... wish me luck.

lavi, which tools work best for you?

gibor120, yea the goal is to be a real gibor. be"h one day... Lusting is a theme which is in every last part of this web site. I still am not clear on what that means. I do understand what it means to lust for porn or other kinds of things. But, how does that relate to our wife? How do you differentiate between feelings of lust and feelings of love/closeness?

If you focus on what you want...it is lust
focusing on what she may want...that is love

for an addict, however, you cannot think of what she wants in specifics...you just need to be prepared to love her. no pressuring her at all. it is not an easy task, but it is mandatory for a lust addict. I should know...I am one.

Your road to recovery should be blessed with success

Gibor wrote:


That was really a great post, a lot of honesty and good points!!

As skeptical has written, awareness that there is a problem is the first step, and there is more to be aware of, more of when the problem really starts.

When I first came to GYE I thought I had a single problem, porn. What was quickly revealed to me was that the problem was much much larger, much broader!! I learned that the porn was much more of a silly symptom to a deep rooted problem, much like fever is to strep, or as they say "Lust isn't my problem, it's my solution!"

Once I get past a certain part of the main "illness" it is almost impossible for me to stop going to lust, and that's why learning about my triggers is so important. I see now that I do not deal with discomfort well, I feel that I have a right to always be comfortable and when I'm not, I run to somewhere that makes me comfortable, even just temporarily.

So by me, the battlefield is much earlier than where it used to be. I now need to be careful of having expectations, any expectations and of anybody!! I need to be ready to give up my "rights" to feeling comfortable all the time, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually!! I know what is right to do and I need to do it even if I'm not feeling in the mood, etc.

The only way that I am successful in all of the above is by keeping in touch with reality, that is, Hashem, family, friends, and the whole world (almost anything outside of my head, actually). I do that one day at a time, one call at a time, one thought of someone else at a time, and Hashem has helped me so far!

There is hope, it is not lost, but as Dov writes "Nothing will change as long as everything stays the same". We need to change the way we are living, only then will things change!!

KOP!! KOMT!!

Gibor wrote:


regardin' wife...that's the way they are....my motto: give and forgive. [I know it ain't easy, but it works!]

Stuff in sleep! the hell with it! Don't let that worry you for a second.

Yetzer hara pushin? He cares a little bit; if you're somewhat addicted (like I am), he will sit on the side and watch gleefully as we tumble...that is...if we don't take action.

Wish you luck? What's luck gotta do with it, gotta do with it? what's luck, but a ....?

Lust vs. Love? It is splattered all over this site. They are very different. Give it some time to sink in.

b'hatzlachah

Gibor


Don't worry about what happens when you're sleeping. It is normal and you have no control over it. Just put it out of mind and keep moving forward.

A belated welcome, Gibor!

I think I could have written everything you wrote.
Gibor wrote:

I personally would not have changed a bit had I found this site at 14. In fact, I found it at 24, and totally ignored it till I was 27. Generally speaking, something must have led you here. Most people don't just stumble in after clicking on a link and realize "OMG! I'm a porn addict!" There must be some level of desperation that probably was not present when you were 14.

I also am still trying to convince myself that I am not an "addict," but there are many here who say that if you find something that works, don't worry about semantics.

Just to define "what works," up until now (if you're anything like me), your method of "fighting" the YH was probably by white knuckling and waiting unsuccessfully for the temptation to magically disappear. It's not gonna work. We have to get to a state where we realize that living with with lust is part of our lives (addict or not, still makes no difference), and use the enjoyment of real life as somewhat of a motivating factor.

Hatzlocha

Moish

An example of lusting after my wife is fantasizing about her. It may seem "mutar". She is my wife after all, but lust does not care. Lusting leads to more lusting. It is a difficult line, which is why unmarrieds can have an easier time recovering from addiction.

Loving is giving. Lusting is taking. Most of the time we are somewhere in between. The closer to loving, and farther from lusting, the better.

Check out some of the dov quotes on the subject. I have a link in my signature.

whenzaidywasyoung,

I like the way you put it. Clear and simple. What if I take (selfish) pleasure in giving her what she wants? How does that fit into the equation?

cordnoy, stuff in sleep really gets to me. It's a real momentum killer. I feel like if I were better at controlling my thoughts during the day, it wouldn't happen at night... It isn't so easy to dismiss, for me anyway.

gibbor120,

thanks for the explanation. I can relate to that. I tried looking through some of Dov's stuff, but it's just too much to go through. I get lost trying to find what I am looking for. I wish I had more time to surf through his stuff.

Update: B"H I'm up to my 11th day. It has been surprisingly easy (which scares me a bit, because that only means the YH is gathering his forces and waiting for the best time to attack). I hope I can do as well when I am challenged. Speaking with you guys has been very helpful. So, thanks for that. I only wish I had more time to read through some of the threads and material on this site...

Gibor wrote:
That is why there is an index on the first page, so you can find what you are looking for. I'm sure there are a few posts on love vs. lust.

or you could try this thread: Lust vs. ?