I guess there are different definitions of "battle", I was referring to number 4, which usually doesn't work by me and ends up being a fight "do!" "don't!" "do!" "don....maybe?".....

once I'm there and not doing one of the others, I know that I'm not as sober as I could be.

TehillimZugger wrote:


Even if it may have started as fighting, but after you keep at it for a significant while, it becomes second nature - hergel naaseh tevah. B"H, althought I've had other kinds of recent slips and even falls, but for the past approx 2 years my street vision and general vision (including internet vision) has reached a level of looking away instinctively rather than putting up a fight. And that is after many decades of hefker vision. So I know it can be done. For instance, this past Sunday the weather was warm so I went with my wife to the waterfront. We went by train and bus. There were (I imagine) many triggering sights all over, but I appreciated the opportunity to practice vigilant shmiras einayim in all types of situations. And be'ezrat Hashem it was not a challenge. I davened for assistance before I left the house. I looked into a sefer during the trip (and shared some insights with my wife). And at the waterfront (a promenade, not a beach), I concentrated on the water, not on the people. If you go with the attitude that there are no two ways about it - you must guard your eyes, then you can be successful be"H. But if you have an attitude of uncertainty, "will I slip today?" "will I fall today?", then there is a good chance that your prophecy will ch"v be fulfilled.

Hatzlacha

MT

#4 doesn't work by you?

Wasn't #4 to look again?

that's the easiest to do!

All I could say is Im sorry to Yankel for posting what he wrote to me in private. And btw the way I understood what he was saying was that if you are living life in a positive manner then you are not "fighting" you are "living life" yes everybody walks on the street everybody comes across triggers the million dollar question is what comes next. Now the answer to that I would say is, it depends what you did the last few days? what were you focused on? and I see a difference by myself if sit for a few hours/days and watch "stuff" then the slightest trigger will turn me on, and truthfully after such a day I come home and lust after my wife as well. However if it comes after a period of keeping my head focused I wont even be attracted as much and wont have second thoughts, that does not mean I will not fall again but it does mean that I am living life, and not every walk on the street is a war.

So yes I will endorse what yankel said that if a (fierce) fight then its not sobriety!!!

Now just for the record my original question was 'how is the fight "for" sobriety, which in my opinion that is a fight, once you are sober the fight is over.

Once again Pidaini, sorry for steering this storm.

Machshovo Tova wrote:


Wow MT! You're a good guy! Great insights! You should post more often!



{Congrats on the two years!!!}

cordnoy wrote:


I stand, acutally I'm sitting now, corrected!!

The truth is that it's any of the choices if I am "trying" to do it, and not just doing it, then it's a fight, and not what I am looking for in sobriety.

NO hard feeling M41, it actually brought out the best of some of us!

Pidaini,

May I humbly suggest somethin' that I suggested to you before?

Perhaps don't have a specific agenda as to what YOU are lookin' for in sobriety. Maybe that is some of the issue.
B'derech efshar....you decided that the only way you will be satisfied is if this addiction to lust is completely "dibbuked-out" (exorcised) from your body and brain. I feel that this is what step 1 is teachin'....acceptin' this fact that this is who we are....this is our dna....will there come a time when with the assistance of God, our dna will change? Perhaps, but acceptance and surrender teaches us that that is none of our @#$%in' business. That is the Ribbono shel Oilam's gesheft; not ours.

What is our job?
Simply one thing.
To remain sober for right now.
We shouldn't give a damn if we used any of the aforementioned options.
We should plan on workin' the steps, or usin' the chevra, or learnin' more mussar, or Tapshik, or whatever.

The goal remains the same.

If we keep this goal in mind, we are not even white-knucklin' like some might argue.
White-knucklin' is when we have a ten-hour period that we are desperately tryin' to get thru unscathed. That is a lot of superfluous pressure on us.

This way, our focus and mission is ONLY on this moment before us....not more, not less.

b'hatzlachah

Thanks Avrom!!

That is certainly something I need to "work" (decide up)on.

I do indeed have a dream of what I want the struggle to look like....I justify it by the fact that it seems that that is what other's are experiencing...

But I guess you are right, and with that I can even give a chassideshe tatch to the AA pardox "We can only have it if we give it away". Those people that I look at and read about probably gave up all their reservations, all their "demands" (that sounds harsh, but that's what it is), all their rights, first and only afterwards were they granted those very dreams...

Thanks again for telling me what I need to hear!!!

(I think you should add "bracha" to your endings, the gedolei hador have endorsed it)

B'hatzlachah brachah

So after staying clean for 64 days (WOW) what do I have to say to the olom???

Well if I was given 1 thing to say it would in my humble opinion be, Living life is not centered on yes porn or not porn, true when I am busy living life I don't have that desire to lust, but not lusting does not make me live life, I will still have that desire of call it what ever you want that will need to be filled and chances are very strong that it will be ... yes, you guessed right, lust!

What needs to be the focus, again in my opinion, is not what could I do to fight the addiction? what can I do to stay away? but rather, what can I do to improve my quality of live so that I get my satisfaction from a thing that brings real long lasting happiness, so that I don't go to that short term enjoyment that lust has to offer.

Now without bragging just to mention an idea or 2, add another seder to your day, think of another way that you could be there for your wife and kids (not to mention how much time lusting takes away from that!) how can you improve your tefilah your Shabbos table, keeping the battle on that side, avoids it from coming home to us!!

Ok the days are moving and Bh we are still in the game, so in my Sfirah today I said: Today is 75 days, which is 10 weeks and 5 days, which is 1800 Hours, which is 108,000 minutes of staying away from porn, WOW.

But that's not really true cuz, true the first few days I was "stayin away" but after a while that changed from staying away to "living" - truly enjoying life, Staying away from porn wasn't the battle it was just a few days back, so guys if you ask me if Im cured I will clearly say NO! but did it get easier I will clearly say YES! so just stay around it will get easier soon!


Now lchovod Shvuos I would like to share a vort I once saw in a sefer I already wrote it in PM to many but I don't think I posted it.

אמרי קודש - אמשינאוו


וז"ל הענין שבמגילת רות יש כמה פסוקים מערפה, והא היא חזרה לביתה,ואמאי מזכירים זה?
והנראה לומר דזה בא להורות ששום יגיעה אינה הולך לאיבוד
למשל כשהיצה"ר מפתה את האדם לאיזה חטא ח"ו, והאדם מתאבק עמו זמן מה, ואח"כ היצה"ר מנצחו ח"ו, הרי אף שנכשל בחטא רח"ל, אבל אכ"ז אבל אכ"ז הרי הוא מקבל שכר טוב על יגיעתו והתאבקתו עם היצה"ר למען שמו יתברך, והבן.


A gut Yom Tov to all my fellow friends!

Today I updated my count, now although I know that 90 days is not the solution, and I know that your not there until your there, it still felt good to see it go up to 89. So I went back to read my thread which I started after that last blow and started reading back, I must say it was quiet fascinating to see all that has changed within myself over the last 3 months. Now regardless of where I go from here I have learnt a few lessons. Its getting busy here so Ill explain at a other opportunity, in the meen time thanks to all of you for getting me till HERE!!!!

mazal tov, mazal tov, mazal tov!!!

May you be zocheh to grow in being in touch with Real life (Hashem is the only real thing) more and more!!

90 days, is just a drop in the bucket of life!!

KUTGW!!!

Mazel Tov!!!!

Keep on being Misgaber, one day at a time!!!

oh my, it has been a really long time since I last posted!! Why? and why am I back??

did I fall?? No, bh!

was I caught?? No, bh!


so what changed? what made me come back??

lets try to figure this out together. I will provide my thoughts and see what the olom has to say.

So lets see, playback a year, after falling deeper and deeper into porn, I followed a link to gye, read a bit but couldn't get myself to sign up.... happened again... and again.. finally 10 months ago I was desperate enough to get over with this that I signed up, started chatting made some good friends, even spoke on the phone with a couple of them, but still didn't post. I managed to stay clean for a month or so at a time but not much more than that. So then I realized that I need to do more, after consulting with ...(I think it was Pidaini), I started my thread, what should I say, it did wonders for me!! I had a clear log in front of me, had guys see my progress and give me the motivation to keep on going!

B"h!
I made it to 30 days,
I made it to 60 days,
I made it to 90 days,
I made it to 120 days,
and counting....

But, what I learned on the way was that the onset was very difficult, every hour was a struggle, that changed after a few days, I wasn't white knuckling all day any more, my head cleared a bit, I was able to stay calm, etc.

However with every step in the journey deeper that I went, I started posting less, reaching out less, chatting less, doing everything much less than I had been doing it before, Result? you got it, Isolation!

So the last few days which came along with a few additional challenges which I cant post in public (spoke in person to a few friends)I found myself white knuckling again, so here I am with my real self - a sex addict, porn lover - trying to live minute by minute to help me hold on to my hard earned sanity

thank you all for your constant help.