Please excuse this brief tirade; it is not directed at any post in particular.

Yesterday was Sunday, so I will allow myself this mashal.

Cheerleadin' is an integral part of football (at least for those patsy teams)
But it ain't gonna score you any points.

Whew!
got that off my chest.
I do know the rebuttal that is comin'.

"I felt that hashem was pulling me up to the next level. You made it till here now let me see you go to the next level"

So here is how it goes.

I am in my 30's, brought up in a very respected family, happily married with beautiful children KE"H, have a stress free job......(what else could you ask for... no don't worry, I also have my share of difficulties in life but Borach hashem not to complain.)

BUT !

When I was all of 9 years old, I had a class mate who came from a wealthy family always had more than he needed, his father a very very generous person always gave him extra to share with others, and share he did , but it came with a price tag! he would bribe me to go to the bathroom for a minute in middle of class let him... and he would reward me with whatever he had that day. obviously this didn't happen to often but occasionally this did, without any body knowing of any thing!

This practice didn't end at there, when we were in the older classes before Bar Mitzva he obviously was chosen to be a monitor of some sort which gave him access to a locked room in the building. what better! at this point I would get $5 for each time!

Now I am not looking to blame anybody for my shortcomings but myself, I should of known better then to go along with this, But... this is the sad reality.

After Bar mitzvah we split up in 2 different Yeshivos, but naturally I was left with a dent and as a result I would have fantasies of all sorts did not have a clear head for a day, would go to the mikve and not stay focused, would come out rather tumah than tohor, but I learned in a very respected Yeshiva was very careful to keep my dignity, made sure to act and talk properly, but inside myself lied a very big secret, many times was I anxious to go talk to a mashgiach about my problem, but my self respect shame and being afraid of revealing my secret kept me back of doing so. I would never drink a ounce on Purim being afraid of letting loose, and maybe I will say something!

So I lived that double life having a name as a TOP BOY and deep down I knew that I was a BOTTOM BOY!

then came shiddichem (isn't that the solution?) I married a wonderful girl with all around my father-in -law paid for this GREAT BOY and again only 1 person knew the truth.

after I married I spent a couple of years in kollel which as al of the married guy over here know came along in the married version this sickness again fantasizing all day long, but all this time I had very little access to the internet so I resorted to the olden days style of addicts...

Then came the big blow when I took a office job like 3 years ago and got access to a computer all day long... more need to be said? I found out and filled in all that I have been missing all along after a short while I went from bad to worse My wife kept on asking me what's the matter but of course after so many years of doing this I am quit a good actor and managed to fool her too.

After a while of this behavior and after a deep fall I decided to follow a link from GYE and see what they have to offer, I didn't sign up the first time cuz I cant unveil my secret but after a few times and realizing that I cant fool MYSELF any longer I gave it a try.

So like 4 months ago I had the privilege of joining this holy community and signed p counting 90 days, chatted a lot, read the forum a lot, and even made some close friends which I speak often on the phone, but I still had convicted myself that I am not as bad as the others here I don't need to open up to the public I am strong enough to keep a low profile and still be MISGABER, oh was I wrong! it helped me for a short time but not a long term solution! I reached 83 days once and then like 28 days but yesterday IO had a big blow!

S after consulting with my dear GYE friends I decided to go public and start counting my 90 days openly and hopefully with the koach harabim I will make it to 120 Years!

thanking you in advance for helping me be MISGABER.

If we cut the philosophy for a moment and focus on the practicalities.

A seductively dressed woman walks down the street and you notice her out of the corner of your eye.
You would like to look again.

Here are some of the options:

1. Look away
2. Daven for her
3. Ask Hashem to remove your desire.
4. Take another look
5. Ignore the situation.
6. Decide that it would be life threatenin' to look and act accordingly.

perhaps there are several others as well.

The fact that one is thinkin' thru the situation indicates that he is tryin' to recover. Based on the decision reached, he may regard himself as sexually sober. This dilemma can be regarded as a fight, battle, crossroad, or even less.

Sexually sober does not mean that he doesn't notice seductive women. Perhaps there will be those who reach that level, but to think that anything less means that you haven't recovered is counterproductive....again IMHO.

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote on 13 May 2014 18:38:

I would like to add somethin' that to some may sound very controversial, and to some may even sound like heresy:

If one is practicin' recovery (any method) on a pretty consistent basis (which is somewhat vague), and then one day clicks on YouTube top ten kick returns and then clicks on the top ten craziest flea flickers and then clicks on the top ten cheerleader gaffes and then he masturbates, he is still recoverin' and he can consider himself sexually sober. There might not be a need for him to reevaluate everythin' he is doin'. 

(Yes, if that happens once a week, the above does not apply. Yes, if he is constantly fantasizin' about his aunt's laundry room, it might not apply. Yes, if he is peepin' into his neighbor's pool every afternoon at 2:00, it does not apply. But other than that, it just might.)

God speed!

cordnoy wrote on 13 May 2014 18:38:

I would like to add somethin' that to some may sound very controversial, and to some may even sound like heresy:

If one is practicin' recovery (any method) on a pretty consistent basis (which is somewhat vague), and then one day clicks on YouTube top ten kick returns and then clicks on the top ten craziest flea flickers and then clicks on the top ten cheerleader gaffes and then he masturbates, he is still recoverin' and he can consider himself sexually sober. There might not be a need for him to reevaluate everythin' he is doin'. 

(Yes, if that happens once a week, the above does not apply. Yes, if he is constantly fantasizin' about his aunt's laundry room, it might not apply. Yes, if he is peepin' into his neighbor's pool every afternoon at 2:00, it does not apply. But other than that, it just might.)

God speed