It is mamish farkert, the gemara says that if a person has two ways to get somewhere, one where there is a nisayon of shemiras einayim, and the other without. If the person goes on the one with the nisayon, even though he doesn't look at all, he is called a rasha gamur!! Meaning, Hashem wants us to do all we can to stay away from aveirah, the further we are, the happier He is.

And, as already written, we still fight, but we fight much further away from the main problem. That's the point of gedarim, to move away the fight so that even if we loose c"v, we're still not really finished.

KUTGW!! KOMT!!

Also, I have seen in sefarim that the MAIN bechira we have in this nisayon, is staying away from it. Once it has a hold on us, we almost have no bechira any more.

As they say in martial arts classes: The best defense is not being there!

All I can say is that you guys are Gevaldik!!!

Thanks for keeping me going!!!


Rounds 6, 7 (ONE WEEK!!!), and 8 - Just Awesome!!

Please Everyone Just Have A Wonderful Shabbos!!!

Shabbos. What a day. Other than the fact that it is just a great day in general, I find that Shabbos is an easier day in terms of the struggle because I don't have any medium of p***. I have less of a תאוה on this day ב״ה. I have to use this to may advantage...I just have to figure out how.

But on מוצאי שבת I had to go into town and I haven't been in an open area where there are lots of woman in a while. And i totally forgot that it would be a problem... So i get there and realize... "Shoot! Here come the נסיונות!!"

I'm standing by the train and my first look which was totally unintentional (because i look down and in my peripheral, i see legs... My weak point.) So i quickly look up and am wondering how I'm going to get through the night safely.

But הקב״ה with his everlasting love and kindness didn't make the נסיונות tough at all. There actually weren't that many times that i didn't even notice anything (I have no idea how) and even when there were times that I had to turn my head, הקב״ה helped me do it!!

So ב״ה, i by mistake put myself in a bad situation but HE saved me!

So here I am on Sunday, to say that הקב״ה and I beat the יצר הרע together... Rounds 9 and 10 to US!!

WOOOHOOOO!!!!
Chasedei Hashem is all I could say. Chasdei Hashem.

2 weeks is a big milestone for me. So many days already clean, so many hours and so many minutes!

I feel like I'm tansing with the רובונו של עולם!!

I wish you all the same!

Have a Great Shabbos!

I LOVE IT!!!

SOMEBODY PICKED UP THE WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!



sorry, got a bit carried away

HEY!!!

MAZAL TOV!!! MAZAL TOV!! (for two weeks)

Now let's get back to business.......TODAY!!!!

Never to be forgotten, TODAY is all we got!!

KUTGW!!!

I decided that today i would tell everyone my story...

It all started in ninth grade biology. I was totally clueless (b"h) until then so when i walked into that class, i was hit hard.

My teacher was unfortunately an attractive female. Plus we started learning about the reproductive system which was the beginning for me. I don't remember where or when i first watched porn, but i do remember the first time i mas********. I actually had no idea what i was doing and i think i googled it to learn how. Then went to the bathroom and enjoyed it. I don't remember if i was upset, or ashamed of myself or sad... No idea. But soon after that, i got into the porn as well and for sure by tenth grade i was upset.
After every time i would commit and say to myself that this was the last time, but we all know how it goes. Without any work, its not going to go away by itself. And it kept on happening and happening.

I think i found GYE in eleventh grade, but i had no idea how to navigate the site and didn't know what was going on here.

Every year and major event (e.g. birthday or Rosh Hashana or new school year etc...) i would commit myself to stopping to start of the new זמן clean. But again that didn't do a thing.

I once spoke to one of my rebbeim in high school about it (not knowing how he would respond) because he saw that i was down and wanted to help me so he basically pried it out of me. But i couldn't tell him straight to his face. It was way too embarrassing. So i wrote it down on a piece of paper and told him how i hated it and everything about it. I told him to take it home and read it. (i couldn't have him read it in front of my face.) Later that night i get a text from him... I was freaked out. But very concisely, he asked me how i watch porn. And i told him. (The one thing that was upsetting is that he didn't give me chizuk and I'm not sure why. I'm hpoing he wasn't upset with me...) I told him only on the computer, and no magazines or anything that i would have to pay for (i had no money.) So he told me simply to install filters. And that was the last i ever spoke to him about it. At the time, i wasn't sure why he never told how to stop mas*********. But i think it was because he thought that if i stopped one i would stop the other. (I guess that makes sense but i have mas******** before without the porn because of the images i had in my head...)

But anyway, that was the first time i heard of the idea of גדרים. A novel idea. So i, in an indirect way, had my parents set up filters on the computer. That was great and it excited me but the next time i had a strong תאוה, i found other ways, there were other computers/devices that i got my hands on and i even figured out a way to get around the filter without the password... So למעשה that didn't help.

In twelve grade, i changed yeshivos and dormed there. This was great for me because i was learning well and away form the distractions of my house. There was only one problem, there was a wireless router somewhere that i was able to connect to... So in the beginning i was fine because i was so distracted with my learning that i didn't have any תאוות so i never slipped up but some time into the זמן, the תאוות started and i fell...

The next year, i went to א״י for my first year בית מדרש which was again great in the beginning because i was so into the learning that no thought popped into my head. But again some time in i found a way to get some internet and slip up. So during that year, i fell a plenty of times which was devastating for me...

That summer is when i went on the my longest clean streak... 50 days. I was so happy after that summer and i thought i would never fall again. This was the first success that i experienced and i felt like i was on the top of the world!

So then i started my second year of בית מדרש still in א״י, and was determined to continue this streak, but as you probably predicted it didn't. That fall hit me hard and i continued to fall for a bit after that...

Around סוכות time, i got an email from GYE (which i haven't visited in 2 years) about the start of a new phone conference starting. This was great! I thought i finally found a way that i would be able to work on myself so that i would get to total sobriety! So i started this phone conference and for the first few weeks was going really well. I really thought that i would finally get to stop once and for all. But then something happened. I'm not sure what but it did and i fell again. I really couldn't take it anymore! After that i stopped attending the phone conference because i didn't really see any change in myself. (This is because i wasn't really doing anything that was said in the phone conference because i thought the mere fact that i was calling in and listening was enough to get me to stop. But of course it wasn't.)

I'm not sure what happened after that. But 18 days ago i found these forums. And so far I've been loving it. Right now i feel the same happiness and drive to succeed that i have been during all those other streaks, that i'm unstoppable and that the יצר הרע won't be able to beat me. But i know now speaking from experience that he might eventually. These past few days i started having הירהורים and i was successfully was able to get them out of my head and not act upon them but i feel that the hard part starts now. The time when i feel the יצר הרע throws everything he's got at me and i try to dodge everything but eventually just get swallowed up...

It's kind of scary that i think i know what he is doing, i know that i can't listen to him, i know he is the worst thing in the world and yet i still give in. How could it be that i know exactly what he is going to do, all his strategies, and all my weaknesses and I still cant protect well enough against him and he still beats me?? You guys know what i'm talking about right?? Its kind of upsetting.

But i will still try to keep on fighting back and davening! Hopefully this time i will win!

I have learnt from my recent mistakes. I have my computer locked down with filters and my phone locked down that i can't get on the internet at all. And i think its impossible for me to get around them, but the last times i thought this, i somehow found the loopholes.
But I am hoping that that thins time it won't get to this. I am really hoping!

בעזרת ה׳ I will continue to succeed and continue to be happy and grow closer to the רבינו של עולם!

[So far, Rounds 15-18 have been a bit hard but i was successfully able to beat him!]

[I hope this wasn't boring even though i feel like we all have the same/very similar story... Which is actually kind of cool. It's why we're able to stick together and beat the יצר הרע together. Imagine we each had different fights to win, it would be hard to speak to anyone, but because we have the same fight and we could all use similar battle plans, we can speak it out with each other, strategize together, win together, and ultimately bring משיח together!!]

I am going to cry!!!

Just a few hours after i told you that i feel this fight getting hard and that i know that the יצר הרע is going to attack, i get knocked down...

I really thought that this was going to be the time when i finally win! Where i was going to say that i successfully beat the יצר הרע!! But unfortunately, i can't right now.

What am i to do??
I really thought that setting up גדרים was the way to go. But like i said, there are loopholes, and i just found one. AND I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT I COULD PLUG THIS LOOPHOLE?!?!

I don't think that setting up גדרים is enough for me! Is that possible? I have to work on myself, change my outlook. Do something!? But what can i do? Maybe speak to someone daily about it? Could that help??

When i was in the midst of falling, i knew it was coming and yet i couldn't stop myself. I tried, but it was too much...

Round 19 to the יצר הרע...

What am i to do? Start a new match or should i continue with round 20? Is this fight over? Should i start another one or try to get back up and continue this one? What should my outlook be?


I need your help guys... I really do...

18-1
Don't stay on the ground! Jump up and continue the fight!
Many of us have experienced this part of the story too, falling the day after 6 months, or day after 90, or motzai yom kippur, hopefully remembering this helps us too not get overconfidant. getting used to speaking to people can make it easier to reach the point where we can reach out to someone for help when we need it before its too late (I'm talking to myself, I still need to work on getting to such a stage).
thanks for your long megilla, not boring at all, so many points to learn from.

KOT KOP (posting and punching) being mischazek yourself and mechazek all of us

Take a lesson from the yh!

Huh?

That's right, take a lesson from the yh!

If he can stay in the ring after losing 17 consecutive battles, why should you give up?

The only difference is that we kind of want to stay out of the ring, in a different kind of way. We beat the yh by telling him were not interested at all. We don't get involved. We close the door, turn off the lights and stay away from the windows. We send a very strong message to the "salesman" that he can take his wares elsewhere by not even showing our face. Are there loopholes? Who cares? I don't have to check, because I've given up my right to it. Thank you very much.

Falling is not failing. Giving up is failing.

If while walking somewhere I slip and fall on some ice, I get up, dust myself off and continue on to my destination. I don't lay down and cry, afraid to get back up.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on moving.

Hatzlacha!

you asked: Is it possible that setting up fences is not enough?

of course!

a sexaholic will do anything to get his fix.
I would not take a nickel or a battery that belongs to someone else...yet, the only time I shoplifted in my life was to fulfill my sexual desire.

Filters, monitors, tapshiks are important....but that is not going to destroy our urges.... for many of us.

I don't like this whole fight the y"h business, but that is your call.

I'd rather stay out of the rink period.

it's like going to the club...but only to watch the games.

stay da hell away!

b'hatzlachah

Hey,
I also used to have those same questions regarding nisayon.
You should read what reb Chaim Shmulevitz writes in the sefer sichos mussar, Parshas Mikeitz about Yosef and eishes potiphar, he explains how fleeing from nisayon is actually the most important avodah

hi bm613!
just saw your thread for the first time very very good your doing gr8 as i was reading your posts i had a feeling that some time in i see you posting that you fell because its totally normal thats how this battle work so keep up the good work and keep on punching .
chazak is what does it and besimcha of course .

Hi BringMoshiach613,

I could have posted everything you did, more or less. I had charts, counted days, decided that once I hit 20 years old I would stop, 30... All the resolve in the world did not help. I had periods of sobriety when I came to a new Yeshiva, started a new zman, got married... But, they were all short lived.

So, here I am with over 4 1/2 years sobriety and I can hardly beleive that it is true. I learned a lot from being here on the forum. I gained from reading the handbook. I gained the MOST from reaching out to people on this forum at first just by posting. Then, by talking on the phone. I have even met a few people in person.

I joined dov's phone conference and shared my entire acting out history, hiding nothing. That was POWERFUL. Did you read the captain kirk post (see the dov quotes link in my signature - it's the first post on that thread)?

Opening up to real safe people really helps.

What tools have you been using? If you are just "trying harder" each time - well, you see how that has been going. You are living "streak" to "streak". Opening up to people and trying to use some of the 12 step principles like letting G-d run my life (hey that sounds jewish ) really helped me.

I still have weak moments, but I have mostly stayed far from the edge of the cliff. I still have battles, but they are not as frequent or as intense.

I hope something I have written helps you in some way.

I feel for you.

Love,

gibbor