Zvi, you are thinking instead of answering the question. It's ok, if that's what you want I can get into a theoretical discussion about things...but it is a further waste of your precious time.

Please consider just answering the question in detail and we can move on from there. There is nothing to lose by trying this out right here and now.

Hatzlocha amigo!

I'm not actually acting out every day- on most weeks once or twice a week. The day I act out, and possibly the day after, I cannot focus on what I am doing, and I am very depressed. On days when I act out, the lead up to the acting out (taivos etc) means that I can't focus on much. On other days though, it doesn't affect me much noticeably, and I can function as normal (though I have noticed my concentration span has dropped over the last year and a half... could it be to do with this?)


I am concerned that if I am not able to stop acting out by the time I get married, it could potentially ruin my marriage.

Does that answer your questions?

Wow. Today was DIFFICULT. In capitals. Three times I started to m*********, but b'H I wasn't nichshal. I'm trying to keep climbing, and to take encouragement from each step of the way. Never before have I been able to hold off the Yetzer Hara like that. Although I fell on Motzei Shabbos, that was after 3 days of fighting. I feel positive at the moment, but I can't let that turn into complacency. We all know what happens if you do THAT...

Thanks for being open about that here. It's definitely a great step forward for me and others I know in recovery when we open up like this!

And:

That does not sound like fighting, but trying to see how far one can go without actually 'going all the way' and losing the sperm. This is the hard road you are taking, brother. The really hard, painful path. You are also making it harder by holding your breath - while keeping the lust mostly inside you. How long can you hold your breath? I can;t for long...but no matter how long I can, eventually I gotta breath, period. And one who 'holds back' with this, will eventually have sex with themselves and hit that 'nuclear reset button' again.

Is this what u r looking for? Better control so that you need to come up for air less often?

Re: the affecting your life. Has it not affected you in any way besides that till now? How about five years ago - two years ago? Anything back then? Any preoccupation and obsession? Any hiding and lying to keep your porn or masturbation habit or whatever u were busy with back then till the recent past?

Thanks for sharing this, Zvi.

Once you "start to m***" you're not "holding off the YH" anymore, you're just teasing yourself and you're gonna lose sooner or later. I did that for years, managed a week at best.... better to find something else to do as soon as the urge strikes.

Keep climbing and KOMTing!

With regards to that, I definitely had to lie a lot until recently, especially with my parents. Then, recently, I got my Rebbi to tell my father, so I'm not covering it up from him. There are several real, actual people in my life who know about my problem and whom I can discuss it with...
And as for a pre-occupation with it, I guess so... there was a period a couple of years ago when I was constantly looking out for triggers. And then recently, I was acting out pretty much every third night. That stopped when I told my father and joined GYE, which happened on the same day.
And about'holding off' the yetzer hara- I did some push ups today after a certain point of struggling, and it did get easier after that... I guess the energy release helped.

Dov and Gevura:

Not sure I understand why both of you are sort of knocking our dear Zvi. Both of you seem to imply that Zvi is proud of this 'derech' of starting to M*** and holding off. If that were the case, then I understand your problem with this way of life. But my understanding is the Zvi is a great guy, trying to be totally clean. He has not yet gotten to that point. But he did manage to hold off even after he found himself starting to M***. I think that's a step in the right direction (rather than saying as he would in the past, "oh well, if I blew it this far, let me go all the way".) As they say, "progress, not perfection". One step at a time. Go Zvi, go.

MT

I was not intending to "knock" and I apologize if I came across that way. I was just pointing out that its so much easier to hold back from starting than it is to try to go halfway and stop. Zvi, you definitely should be proud of the progress you have made. KUTGW!

Tzvi, your efforts are gevaldig! kol hakavod
keep up the good work
wish i had half the brains and guts to do what you did way back in the 19th century when i grew up

Zvi, it sounds like you are trying very hard, and we will receive reward for every effort we make, even when we fail. You are a brave warrior! Some day you will look back at this time, when you were in the throws of battle, and be very proud of every time you resisted. Just keep going, build up your muscles for resistance, daven, and you will get there!

Zvi,
I can relate. About six years ago I was masturbating on a daily basis.

Six years later I can honestly tell myself that I am not an addict, just very lustful. Many guys lust without any remorse. I have remorse because I want to serve hashem and do mitzvot right. I just get carried away with the porn/masturbation.

This particular year has been strong for me. I haven't masturbated in 9 months.

Here are some of the ideas/steps i've taken. Many of them come from other GYE posters/program ideas.

-Self honesty. Stop lying to yourself about your failures and trying to cover them up with dramatic cover ups that somehow prove you're a good guy despite your falls. We need to stop trying to write dramatic scripts and start facing the brute facts about ourselves
-No cutting corners in judaism
-stop trying to control everything/everyone around you. Stop being a control freak
-Focus on helping/complimenting others. Make the people around you the focus of your life. Not yourself.
-Absolutely no TV shows/Movies. No matter what. (This was particularly hard for me, but b''h with hashem's help I haven't watched anything for the past 45 days or so)
-Stop judging people around you and questioning their choices. This is an escape from your own pitfalls and is unecessary and can be very damaging to staying clean
-Focus on improving your character defects. Work on your anger, impatience, lashon hara, laziness, honoring your parents, chesed involvement, carefulness in making brachos, saying kriat shma al hamita every night, dedicating time to torah learning every day, eating healthy, etc.
-Stop freaking out over small failures. If you see a provocative magazine or billboard, close your eyes, say thanks to hashem for all the beautiful things he gives you, and move on. Dont dwell on it. just thank hashem and move on
-ALWAYS THANK HASHEM FOR EVERYTHING! AND GRAB EVERY LIFELINE HE SENDS YOU! (this has worked for me and has been my best tool in the toughest of moments). hashem gives us such beautiful gifts in life. Always think and focus on that in the toughest of moments, and it will be your saving lifeline. At least it has been for me.
-Never, not once, think that you can fight this lust on your own. NEVER. no matter how long you stay clean, always, always remember that hashem gives you the strength to stay clean
-Get active. Find chesed opprtunities. Read. Learn. Work out. play ball. Go on walks/jogs. Find activities that you didn't realize you would enjoy. Go on trips. Write a journal. Research a topic of interest and write something up about it. Active interests are where you will start living and stop living in fear.

I know this is a lot and I'll stop there.

I've been and continue to work on all these things and it keeps me busy, excited about life, and has helped me embrace reality and a real relationship with hashem, and has helped me stop focusing on lust.

I hope this helps. And growth is slow, so embrace the patient slow growth.

Wow Broadlife, that's quite an impressive list with a lot of great ideas!

I am quite torn between the seemingly two extremes going on, in one sense i really feel for zvi, cause i was just there, teasing myself but not "falling", but even though it is obviously something because before i joined GYE it would have ended with acting out, it just hit me really really hard how triggers, and "lust catching" peeks will eventually get me where i really can't afford to be!!

And Broadlife, that's phenomenal!!! especially the point of finding others faults, neer heard that one before, but very true!!
Zvi (and myself)
KOT KOMT

Wow, broadlife, you seem to know me quite well despite not actually knowing me! (if you follow my meaning...) Quite a lot of what you said on there applies directly to me...
B'H I'm on day 3. Since Monday I've had no major nisyonos, and I'm still going! Steadily onwards, ever forwards...