Still going b'H, though I nearly fell on Motzei Shabbos. I seem to find them especially difficult...
I've stopped counting days- I think I'll keep it like that for now, it feels less pressurised in a way. Also, if I c'v fall, I won't beat myself up- "Ah, I've done x number of days, I'm an idiot for mucking up!" Now that hopefully won't happen...
Sanity's the ikkar, not the days!

Motzei Shabbos seems to be a tough time for many people.

I like your attitude about counting.

Keep it up!!!

and don't think about "when i fall...." try tearing it out of your mind, it is negative programming (ask skeptical for more on that topic). IY"H it won't happen anymore!!

KOT You're doing great!!

Maybe it is negative programming... 'cos I fell today.
All of my lessons were cancelled, so I didn't bother going to school. And it was a hot, humid, sticky day, and my defences were down. I went on my first Internet binge for a long time, then I m***. On my binge, I by mistake came across some p***, for the first time ever...
Although I didn't look at it for more than about 3 seconds, I hope I won't develop a liking for it. Up until now, my struggle's only been m***, and I really really don't need this as well. But this image is in my mind now...

People on the boards here are discussing what means they should use when dealing with these temptations.I just wanted to point out a few things that is found in all the holy seforim.

1)We are not to view the battle with the temptations as something as a battle per se(in a negative form)as that is what it seems on the surface,(which is inself is a tool that hashem gave to the koach hatuma to have us think that way in order to overcome that way of thinking and get rewarded for that ) but in its deeper from and at its essence,as a holy and sweet OPPORTUNITY to cleave to hashem(in a positive form). We are not to view the temptation as something evil that we have to overcome but to see the holiness hiding within the temptation which is none other than Hashem himself. We are to WELCOME the temptation the more we view it as a mask of hashem in the form of temptation,yetzer hora,addiction etc. Only sweet and holy things exist in this world as hashem would not do otherwise- and when we think we see otherwise, we dig deeper and find out the above holy yesod with time.It takes time, as this is the whole point in life, to tear the mask away and consequently loving hashem and doing his will more and more in quantity and quality. That is why it says - tov -is yetser tov, (tov) meod- is yetser hora. As that is in essence and inherently the ultimate and greatest good.
2)On the same note, when we know that Hashem knew in advance that there will be "evil" in the world- be it in the form of people being "evil" or in the forms of sin and the like and even so thought it was worth creating the world with all of the seemingly negative stuff- we get to the next point.
When a yid succumbed to temptation- he is to know the following.
The almighty knew about the fall in advance and that still did not make him want to stop with his plan to bring this jew into the world with all his falls. To the contrary- EVERYTHING is going according to plan.(Free will is only prior to the fall)This is the mightiest tool the yetser hora has at his disposal to make the jew think otherwise.
As the seforim explain how that is the only way a person merits to fulfill his mission down here. Only via falls. Sheva Yipol Tzadik- is the only way to become holy as all the Seforim explain. It is not that we have to "overcome" our fall but rather to the contrary- this "fall" was precisely what I needed as part of my lifes work. One of the many ways to understand this is-
3)After a "fall" a person naturally feels dejected.There is nothing sweeter to hashem than a jew who naturally(aka a tool of the yetser hora for us to overcome)does not feel like he is succeeding spiritually and still continues trying to be a good and devoted son to hashem. This beautiful and sweet devotion is by far sweeter to hashem in some ways than that of someone that is on "streak" of holiness and is actually feeling good about his spiritual standing. The mesiras nefesh of the former jew is incomparable to that of the latter one.Only thru a fall does hashem get this special nachas from a yid.There are no words to describe the greatness of such an act over and over and over again. Than can only happen after a "fall". We are not privy as to why hashem in his infinite wisdom chose some pepole to be the of the former and some of the latter type, but that does not concern us at all.
4)after a "fall" - the angels dance in heaven when the yid summons up all of his efforts and tries to the best that he can to regain simcha to being a jew.(as if nothing happened)It is unnatural and is superhuman and it is God that helps the yid in doing that.There is no holier work than this form of selfless and(and at first and superficially,emotionally unrewarding) unnatural serving of our father in heaven.This another reason why hashem made him "fall"- so that he can bring this special incomparable nachas to hashem over and over and over again. This is what will bring Moshiach to an extent more than someone who did not have this work cut out for him.As the big Rebbees used to say - that the entrance to the holy depths of what it means to be a eved hashem is as follows: One who his knife is still dripping with the blood of chas vsholom another jew that he has just killed rachmono litzlan and cannot summon up the energy to daven mincha with a zeal and fire like that of the holiest jew(after doing teshuva)- has not BEGUN to taste the sweetness of our holy Torah.(the yetser hora has at his dispoal(for us to overcome) the tool to confuse the person about the above concepts with the thought that this is somehow contradictory to the mitzva of teshuva etc.and contradictory to what he has learnt all his life about how serious it is to sin and the subsequent punishment etc.
That is all for the person to think before the sin. NOT about the sin he has already committed.
5)The yetser hora has at his disposal in order for us to overcome the other weapon:
after a "fall" the person thinks - I messed up again. The comedy and genius of this thought is that this thought that the person is thinking stems from a holy place in his soul is so plainly a thought from the yetser hora himself( in order for us to overcome)
As there is not SUPPOSED to be a the letter/word I in a yids life. Its all about hashem. If you are thinking that YOU messed up, apparently you think that this journey has something to do with you. aka arrogance.(for us to overtome that thought)This is another reason for the"fall" happening to you- so that you can work on the holy mida of humility.The thought that should accompany you after a "fall" is how you repent for the pain of the shechina when a yid was destined to cause the pain of the shechina.It is a thought that makes us CLOSE to hashem. Its a thought that makes us feel GOOD to be so close to him that we care about his pain kvayochol.This is yet another reason for the "fall"- so that hashem wants to reward you for doing teshuva over and over and over again. The time to do teshuva is a time of simcha. It is the holiest mitzvah to repent and worry about HASHEM and our neshomo with is part and parcel of that.The yetsher hora has us confuse that with doing the exact opposite- thinking how WE "messed up" and feeling bad and sad about OUR shortcomings- when its not about us at all. As the seforim write that ANY thought before, during or after a "fall" that makes us feel bsimcha is holy and if it makes us feel bad- it it the yetser hora camaflouged very skillfully to reward us for overcoming.
All of the above is to be studied repeatedly and slowly to be absorbed into ones self for his entire life as it increase the love to hashem and kamayim ponim el ponim will be reciprocated via loving hashem and wanting to do his will.
The yetser hora fights with all the might that hashem gave him (in order for us to overcome) to have us not realize all of the above, and its our holy lifes work to slowly and with patience and knowing with bitochon that ALL is well right now and will continue being so until we will all see it so plainly and clearly with moshiachs arrival soon iyh.

KOT Zvi! It used to be like that for me too--whenever I'd spend a day at home, I would invariably be on the internet a lot, and even if I didn't fall, I would still feel lousy and probably have a few slips.

Point is: get outside. Go to a basketball court. Take a walk. Go to the Beis. Do something to get out of the house!

Anyway, good luck! Keep us posted!

--Robert

Sorry to hear about your fall.

The important thing is to get right back up and continue being clean. Don't dwell on the fall except to learn from it.

I heard the concept of negative/positive programming from an expert salesman. He says that a lot of sales people are afraid of the word no, so they are constantly pushing off their sales calls. In order to combat that, he says a salesperson has to literally talk to himself, smile and say things like, "I am great! I can sell anything to anyone!" Over and over again, you say these things and you're recording it into your subconscious to be retrieved when you need it.

If we are telling ourselves things like, “It’s only a matter of time before I fail, I always fall after X amount of days, when I see such and such I have no choice but to fail, etc.” we are not failing! We are doing exactly what we said we’d be doing! We need to change these messages and replace them with positive messages. “I can make the right decisions moment by moment! With Hashem’s help, this time I will succeed!”

Regarding the day count, I agree that you shouldn't pay attention to it day-to-day, but I do recommend writing down the start date and keeping it somewhere so you can reference it from time to time and be aware of your accomplishments.

Hatzlacha!

PS. If you want to discuss any of these ideas more in depth with me, feel free to send me a PM.

After 12 days, I just fell again, about 25 minutes ago. I know it's a good streak, but I could have done more.
I could have not used my computer when I felt the urges.
I could have still used my computer, but made a taphsic to keep my bedroom door open while on it.
I could have gone out to learn when someone texted me asking to.
I could have done so much more, but I didn't... so I fell. Back to the beginning.

There is no going back, just forward brother. KOT!

Could have, should have - It's in the past. Nothing you can do about it now.

Get up and continue living!

FELL

SHMELL

KEEP

ON

TRUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG



TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTT

zvi wrote:


No. Go "veiter" from where you last left off.

The only thing you should remember from the fall is how you learned what to do better next time Lust strikes. other than that it's "Forward!!!!"

You are great and are doing great!!

Thanks so much for the chizzuk everyone. At the same time, it's still hard to carry on exactly from where I left off. I can already sense how my kavana in davening has decreased. And as for my learning, in the past few days I actually felt bothered to open a Gemara and learn, something which hasn't been easy for me recently. Now though, learning is the last thing I want to do...
How is it possible for me just to ignore it, and to go veita?

Can't you see that these feelings are the YH's handiwork?

So you had a fall, ok.

But now he's telling you that you can't daven properly.

He's telling you that you can't learn properly.

He's telling you to feel like the lowest of the low so that you can't move on.

Why can't you be happy with what you accomplished and just get up?

When a child is learning to walk, he also has falls, it's part of the learning process.
We don't dwell on his fall, we encourage him to get right back up and walk again.

So now you're learning how to live properly and you fell. Nu nu. It's part of learning how to live.
Don't dwell on the fall. Get back up and run with what you've accomplished till now.

Hatzlacha!