And I am not done yet . ..oh no ....
not by far
But my father in heaven loves me
I know this how ?
Since i can remember.....every time .....EVERY TIME!!!! I have fallen, I.e. I looked excessively at pornographic material, or was otherwise inappropriate or lewd, or חס ושלום I was מוציא זרע לבטלה, I was immediately the next day! Or the next following week, visited with איסורים ....like, losing money sometimes from sudden issues, sometimes from just dropping out of pocket, recently I was scammed out of nearly $350, sometimes it would be family issues like a severe argument, like some of the things that have happened that have had permanent affects on myself and my family, and I could even see how the negative issues clung more if another person continued and also had a negativity issue, such as being disrespectful and ungrateful,
But while all that was occurring and I understood what was happening ....thats not what helped me stop ...which just shows how stubborn I can get lol (well stubbornness IS our bread and butter lol) no what helped was i realized I could not beat the inclination, not on the open field ....so I resorted to guerilla warfare, every time I fell i ran to the mikveh ...but even several times a day, I kept modifying my behavior and responses till I would go to the mikveh if I had an incident of even a few drops that were pre ejaculate and not the main thing before the next minyan, I would refuse to study or pray if I was in that state until I got to the mikveh, I love Hashem, and not being able to communicate in בית כנסת would feel like Hashem put me in time out lol ....I know it was essentially my decision but he was definitely guiding me,
Besides that i would say תיקון הכללי with as much כוונה (the words, the connections to things in my life, the overall connection to לי *לי*ת and the word תהילים ) as I could muster, I would also add תהלים נא which has to do with issues of the ברית specifically and תשובה and later on i learned to say תהילים כב as a תיקון and guide to issues with getting along with women in general and particularly understanding the viewpoints and concerns of the females in my family (it works WONDERS!!!OM GOODNESS. Because that תהלים was authored by אסתר המלכה who went through every issue that women worldwide today struggle and complain and fight for literally, she was a beautiful girl, from a respected family, often treated like her opinion vs THE MAN'S opinion e.g. אחשורוש or המן הרשע
ימח שמם וזכרם שם רשעים ירקב ככה אבדו אויבך השם אמן
Would ccompletely ignore her as far as opinions or anything on the bases of her gender alone, not withstanding that she was a prophetess on a level they could never understand and held to a level of צנועה that im not sure WE understand in our time at all, she was kidnapped from home, on the basis of her gender and beauty alone and taken from the love of her life and mentor who respected and taught her as an equal as the תורה demands of us, and given to the ultimate glutton of desire אחשורוש who literally made a beauty pagent whos sole purpose was to cater to his toxic masculine lust for virgin girls who he then kept in a private harem for LIFE, she was forced to resort to קבלה and שמות ה to keep her virtue which she fully intended to keep so she could halachically return to her husband [see gemarah, malbim, midrash Rabbah, rabbi yehoshuah zitrons commentary on the story of the megillah et al ] and in an act of desperation to save her people and the world from annihilation she had to give herself physically and willingly without any שמות or tricks to this non Jewish pervert, the greatest fear of any decent Jewish meidel and certainly their family members AND SHE CONCEIVES!!!!!!!!! And fyi we know the child, המלך כורש was brought up as a gentile though technically this would make him a יהודי as we know and he would go on to authorize and protect and oversee the construction of בית שני and the return of the exiles to ארץ הקודש. Something Rabbi Zitron mentions , many people have their daughters dress as אסתר המלכה and so on, but if anyone ever had חס ושלום
כביכול the "right" to lose emunah it was esther
But she doesn't, instead she authors the megillah, does what must be done, and saves the יהודים fron destruction, from a holocaust that would have DWARFED the actual holocaust
And the whole perek is full of things women, particularly the righteous Jewish women, struggle with, fear, worry about; toxic masculinity, loneliness, hopefulness for salvation like the men, being burdened with uniquely female experiences that are difficult
The amazing thing is that at the end of the megillah when everyone else goes home ....she doesn't get to ....in fact she never got out of that situation, and yet she remained a righteous woman, a prophetess!!!!! .....this is the story of a heroine if there ever was one , to sacrifice everything she is for the sake of her people
and the power of that act ....the selflessness, the לשם שמים of it , generates the power that later enabled the Jewish people to mostly abandon their non Jewish wives on a dime so that the כהן גדול could function and the בית המקדש too
I mmean think about it, in our time, and even not soo long after the purim story such as during the story of חנוכה assimilation was and is at a ridiculous level, in some places as high as 85% and rising, something the rabbis in our time have referred to as "the silent holocaust"
Do we know too many people with the moral fiber and determination to divorce their non Jewish spouses on a dime!!!!! ....maybe some ...but not at the levels like in the times of Ezra hasofer .....soo that tehillim has all about women and if a man reads it and concentrates on it I have no doubt, if he is having trouble at home with his wife, he will be answered on this)(I could go into some of the points in the perek itself but I'm low on time, I want to return to my original point, I have to go to the bathroom, and work, and life ,and daven on time hopefully, I did not yet but again, I wanted to get this all down before anything and certainly before I would forget) and slowly I would notice that first of all when I would attempt these תיקונים the issurim (im sorry I'm back and forth between hebrew and translating and transliterating, im actually really tired now and still trying to get this thought across in entirety) would go away, not always entirely and sometimes the effects WERE PERMANENT but then I added going to minyan more, for shacharit, minchah, AND arvit, I started recently studying שנים מקרה ואחד תרגום, I have been doing soo since, ....parashat nasso. But after that whole post I posted the other day (BTW the tikkunim have even helped me in the dream world, when I was younger ...like teen years, while I actually did NOT mastebate I certainly did have an eye out for beauty and I did have issues with wet dreams and similar maybe because of porn and the huge poster of Britney spears over my bed [I thought she was very beautiful, and I guess wholesome, in a way and I liked her early music and she could dance like NOBODY'S BUSINESS] Soo wet dreams are sometimes caused by sexual demons referred to in common vernacular as succubi [it might be dangerous to even mention this stuff] anyway as a teen they often got the better of me but recently they have definitely tried again as I have had some vivid dreams of what looked like women who I was attracted to attempting to be with me and if it weren't for the help of Hashem yiborach I would have fallen more. But I was able to see through it and not spill .....[like the would try to win one over me and im like NOPE not this time!] ) I had a night (literally 2 nights ago lol ) and I was once again drawn to porn and in the end masterbated to full finish. I was soo ashamed, immediately I ran to the mikveh, and I was and am in the middle of a difficult time involving my apartment and landlord and all that soo I had alot of work to do soo and at the same time I get easily distracted with my socials (
Warning: Spoiler!
