My religious level ......I would like to say is better ....or more qualities

But I still struggle 

Its been 7 years since i started this thread

7 years and 5 devices
And lots of tears and promises and broken promises and pain and suffering and foolishness and more 

Yeserday .....I let again .....looked at things.....with gusto .......even though it was dangerous!!
3am 

And immediately after a large financial setback occured ....also a physical one 

He doesn't let me go for a moment and calls me out on my stupid 

He is justice and mercy 

And He knows 

Reading up on past posts. I like this one. I'm single, and starting with this site. I"m seeing a trigger for me are dating websites. talking to way too many women. Mostly good women, but it's way too much.  

Sorry for the following question phrased so bluntly - Are you going onto dating sites to find your bashert or is it an excuse to arouse yourself?

Don't let it get you 

Start now 

Find a woman who you can open up to 

You could be surprised 

I struggle because I struggle in my marriage 

Things have happened 

But we canot act on them right or left 

That has been our truth since day one 

We never really got to choose 

It was chosen for us 

And now we dont really know what our choices may be 

Love is not the only ingredient 

Its the most important one 

But not the only one 

Also the yetzer is brilliant 

Helping others is just that 

But helping against someone is damage 

Just like too much of anything 

Be careful me 

The fight only ends when we end 

Today ......I struggled before dawn, I looked online 

Then about alittle before the end of morning time I had already gone to the mikveh 

Then I found an empty corner and struggled and went online again (online =porn in this)

then i turned around and went to the mikveh again the rest of the day I did not struggle as much 

I ended up.praying after sunset 

What are you doing to actively break this cycle? If the method is going to the mikva clearly it doesn't work. What's the plan my friend?!?

I thought about what you said 

And i went to my wife the next time 

And i talk to her about these issues 

laughingman wrote on 29 Oct 2020 05:52:

Happy to hear! How'd it go? Please keep us updated. 

Grant400 wrote on 29 Oct 2020 13:09:

^^

I talked to my wife alot more openly lately 

My first posts here before I hit bottom were before 2015 ......now its 2021 ... I am a different but broken person 

There are thints that happened that cannot be undone 

In a way its not as bad as it cold have become and in another way its just as bad 

Sometimes i just allow the negativity to wash over me 

But I hope against hope that absolution and possibility is there

I AM doing better 

I had a chance to fail in a similar fashion and did not 

I still must clease my mind but I know I did this 

I am in therapy 

Sometimes I feel like how people in my family feel about me is a strong barometer of how HASHEM feels of me.....

Sounds like things are slowly starting to move in the right direction for you. You may feel like you're at Rock bottom now, but that's OK, because rock bottom can be the foundation for the beautiful tower of growth that you're going to build. I can't wait to see it!

I come here to unload my feelings on how I continue to have porn addiction ......full blown ......I can't get away sometimes .......I dont m********* but there is still effects from the porn usage .......

Today it started to dawn on me the sheer impact the negative that porn usage unleashes in the form of my feelings of anxiety, how my mental capacity and accompanying issues are probably affected by that usage as brought down by various jewish leaders in commentaries throughout the millenia 

And how much chesed we are given to live in a world where often a person with diminished capabilities can rely on assistance so that they might focus on getting out of the muck 

And tthe fact that my feelings on. This are amplified by the same forces that I am involved in with my usage 

Meaning its all the sasame smoke 

How are you doing buddy?

Hey LM long time no speak. what do you mean by this ? Do you feel you are less smart bec of porn?

I have some trouble with understanding that. A lot of the world watches porn and those people who don't have religious anxiety about it don't feel a noticeable diminishment of their cognitive faculties. 

I am asking bec to be honest, for a good while I thought I was feeling the same way. I realized this was bogus though. My real problem with porn is that it is wrong. Religiously it is wrong, and even without religion as a married man watching it is wrong. But this nuance you mention from the Rishonim- I don't see it although I very much used to. I think it was more about the anxiety for me rather than that I was really experiencing any diminishment. There are plenty (as we know) big time talmidei chachamim who have problems with porn. They are able to learn quite well.... I believe it happens because, the Rishonim were much more sensitive to these things than we are. But I believe it is more subtle than waking up and not being able to read a blatt gemara.

Let me know if I misunderstood you (and consequently divulged how I used to believe my brain was turning into vanilla pudding causing me even greater pain and angst leading to lashng out at others as well ... because of porn for naught.)