Ive even coined a phrase ....its not as easy as it looks and it doesnt look easy

Oh and i may have lost a potential supplier ....

The hits keep comming......iyov anyone?

I almost break down and fall but i stop myself reminding myself that these things have Zero poaitive impact on my life and may cause even further spiral....at least i got my appointments all set....


-------but look how white his teeth are!!!!

WOW!!

Yup, no situation is bad enough that a little lust can't make it worse.

KUTGW!!!

We are here with you!!

Laughingman, wow you have a lot going on there. I just want to say that i am Davening for you and I wish you all the best and hatzlacha in everything.

KOMT!!


P.S.

The better to smile at you with, my dear!

Soo i almost fell today.....slipped up alittle ....usually at this point i start unraveling


But G-d cut me a break.....

Soo i am making a solid effort to stop slipping and maintain traction.....
Its not easy.....i still dont fall as far as i have before and every slip helps me to see more insight on how to beat myself

Like i said a real fall at this point would be a step back

I try to not let that accur ever my "fall" could be another guys slip

Every puddle is different and a person sometimes doesnt see it till hes sliding along the floor.....but then on his way back he skips over that same puddle....sometimes only to slip in a different puddle but each time he learns more....so that he doesnt slip and fall!!!!

Its really tough ....the brain is missing its drug ....and cold turkey is a tough dish to chew

Ive been having a luke warm week......on one hand i actually got some goals done....on the other my mqin computer might be beginning to fail....i can probably fix it if it quits entirely on me.....but it might be a real head ache ...almost gave in several times but caught myself before i could irrepairribly damage my current sobriety streak

What a week.....in the last 2 days my will to fight back the tide has doubled ....i even was able to avoid something and instead i got a free gemara on my droid.....with all the stresses i face ....i am not done fighting.....even though i face my anxieties by and large alone at the moment tyey accur....eepecially some of the "proffesionals" in my life that really only serve to accuse me further .....even with rediculous price hikes and budget cuts happening at the same time .....i fight on against the temptation to give up and keep looking for alternative safer outlets to help with the stress

Good for you

Keep on tankin"!

Seems you found somethin' extra inside of you that is helpin' you fight that filthy ba@#$%d. Keep it up, my friend.

May God give you even greater strength!

i had a fall today....

not the normal falls i have been talking about where they arent really anything to worry about in terms of the vast issues that are going on but a fall the likes of which i havent had since april

it is an unbelievable feeling of guilt and shame that hangs on me now .....hopefully i will be able to wash some of that off tommorow ...to top it off a bit i seem to have confused the 90 day chart computer (cause i wrote the date apparently backwards or something like that ) i had to ask guard to look into it ...i wonder how he would have time for things like this


in the meanttime i will have plenty of time in reset land to think of how i flushed all that progress down in one moment ....i know the progress never really leaves its just the reality that i amd stil fighting these vestiges of issues that have brewed in me these last few years .....on top of all the issues i struggle with every day with no mother and no father and virtually zero support except my wife who i get to watch pine away in illness ......and now i may have unleashed even more evil forces that can fight me ....to which i and my family seem exceptionally susseptible to


i drudge onward causei must ......may He have alll the mercy of the universe on me

cause there is no one else

I'm really sorry to read about your fall.

You haven't flushed all your progress away with this. Don't wait until tomorrow and try not to wallow in the past. What was done is done. Just get up and continue forward.

May Hashem shower you with only good news.

i have spent the last 24 hours trying my best to undo wh\tvr damage i have unleashed through my actions ......my wife has said that with all my stress it should at most be considered as a nocternal issue (even though it was during the day) because i really didnt want it to happen

if it were i could basically sleep alittle easier cause i hav done all that can be done (i even went to tzfat)

and i feel like i am even more clear on the steps that i need to take to ensure this kind of situation might be avoided in the future

i only fear the very real repricautions of my actions that in this specific catagory seem to have a very real and at times blindingly fast and damaging

things like suddenly losing a customer or falling or things like that

sometimes i feel like i cant win i know of guys who cant and probably wont ever stop ^&^***( or looking at women like they are objects and they are rolling in the life of riley

i know that even moshe rabeinu had this question and its not for us to understand its just a hard reality to swallow


the only thing i can do is nearly constant (i.e. when i have the time and strength) prayer to Him and my reliance that even if i screw up He loves me enough to keep me going cause if he didnt he could squash me like a bug in an instant .......

i need soo much prayer

we are crying with you
you are a source of inspiration to us all
stay positive and focus on the moment

b'hatzlachah and have a very blessed shabbos

laughingman wrote:


Leaniyus daati, forget it.You said that you feel you did what you can in order to avoid this happening again, so forget it.Stop worrying about getting punished for it.Besides the fact that punishments don't always happen right away (I've never gotten struck down by lightning after masturbating.Not once.)They're also not your business,and teshuva is mechaper, so just forget it.

You already did azivus hachet and chartah and kabbalah al ha'asid, seems like there's nothing to worry about.

I will bli neder have you in mind at mincha.

Good shabbos

Im so far on day 3 of what might be my most sober 3 days ever ....

I have come to accept that i have had a real problem that i have been batteling for years ....with much success but also setbacks

Now i attempt every day true sobriety ....that is i dont turn to anything...read any thing... that might arouse me ....at all

If something catches me off guard i try quickly to chang e my thoughts and if needed my gaze .....no small feat in our time ....in the summer ....with zero outlet possibly for at least a month.....during the yomim norim...with all my current pressures ....and i am happier this way


I recently had to replace a phone and got a decent plan...thats made me feel good....

Also i was able to switch to a cheaper long distance ....

More later .....

Ive been reading through this and been inspired. Weeping and praying with you. I had my last fall two days ago and Im trying to recover now.

I found you on the 90-chart. Your name was around the same area as mine, and had a link, so I went there. If it hadn't been for your fall, I wouldn't have found you...

Just stay strong, brother. You're not alone, we're in this together.

Many thanx to those who feel that i inspire them for it is they who inspire me....to continue.....its funny i usually update these posts at times where i am super nervous or wtvr.....and its all continuing in the fight against this adversary of ours ....for us its more like every little thing we do that isnt @#%&* is a step foward for us ...the people who have set this site up may have only had in mind to deal with one issue but at the same time all of us on here some who are as different as night and day ....have come together to take arms against our common foe and have developed a sort of deep brotherhood through it....well if your close enough to a guy to discuss how your doing in sobriety...then they are your brothers ...even if you all dont really know each others face......in a way i feel better to the anonymous pals who follow me here then to many of the people i know in reality....fyi today was alittle tough so dar as i was looking at my email....the regular news as usual being full of things i need to avoid like a diabetic needs to avoid sugar.....but so far so good