stillgoing wrote:


cordnoy's tentacles are far and wide - even as far as other continents.

One of the best post I've ever read..!
Thank you for this !

A Gutten Erev Shabbos, My Dear Friends,
I have been really analyzing myself the past while to try and understand where my weaknesses are and what has helped me. I discovered 2 things that seem simple but I never connected the dots until now.
Firstly, somehow, even though I was watching porn excessively, I never stared at women in the street. My YH would tell me "what a hypocrite you are, you think that you are so great that you don't check out the women, you are a lowlife and as soon as you get to the office you will be staring at much worse things and masturbating! So you might as well enjoy the scenery."
I never let this get to me and I would tell HKB"H,"see how I try to be careful when I can and don't feel overwhelmed by the impulse, please help me when I am in a situation that I find difficult." I believe had it not been for this, I would have fallen much deeper into many more worse things.
The second thing I realized is that I often missed davening mincha/maariv in a minyan. My nights at the office led me to much trouble. Had I been in Shul, surrounded by people, I would have connected both to the RBS"O and to other people every evening and my falls would have been greatly reduced or even prevented.
Lately, I am being very makpid to be in Shul for Mincha Maariv. I think and hope it will help me alot.
What do you think?

I agree with you whole-hardheartedly.
Firstly, Yidishkeit is not an all or nothing way of life. If leider we are failing with our eyes in P___ that doesn't mean we should allow failure in other situations with our eyes or in any other domain. When you didn't fail in the street you were showing Hashem- see I am not giving up on controlling my eyes please Hashem don't give up on me in this way either.
Mincha/maariv -Mitzvah gorreres mitzvah(which took some mesiros nefesh to do) and if your busy with a mitzvah you won't be busy with aveiros and hey another grand opportunity to daven with zechus hatzibur on your side.

Wonderful ideas. you are not only thinking like one in recovery you are thinking like an ehrliche yid.

May I learn from you!

Absolutely agree! I don't look at live women. But I've fallen down with porn. It's a bit of a mystery but there you go.
And with regards to your second point, HKBH says: "vehaya eikev tishme'un.." It seems to takeh work azoi, that if we're makpid on the small things, the big things (which are out of our reach) take care of themselves. Or as they say in England, Look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves!

In my case I found that looking on the street is still a challenge. It has definitely improved but I know i have to be better.

K - I have what to work on.

If I looked in the street I'd be matarbating at home. It's as simple as that so I know I just can't look.
And I can't fantasise either because the same things happens.
Boy do I want to, but I can't.
And I've realised today that maybe one of the problems with us addicts (speaking for myself in truth) (maybe a core problem, maybe one just more obvious in us - I don't know) is that we have our own will. And that we don't have the mindset of listening and submitting to a higher power. This maybe something that is normal for other frum yidden in shul but it wasn't me. And maybe this is why a core part of the 12 steps is surrender.
I certainly came to this realisation this shabbos.

Hello My Dear Friends,
Today I started to do a Step 1 in my head.I started thinking back to discover how I allowed myself to slip until the point that I am struggling to get out. The scariest part is that when I remember the incidences, they don't pain me, rather I wish and crave for them. Then I try to focus on how I felt just as I finished those "acting out" incidences, the crying, the learning mussar the begging to HKB"H, that never helped me break free. The pain and remorse is there but I still crave those terrible things.
Will I ever get over these cravings? I don't know but one thing I know for sure, cravings or not, I want HKB"H to help me today and he is. When I cry to him every day to protect me, he listens and protects me.
It's funny how when I daven in earnest to ask HKB"H to protect me I feel safe, but when I cry to him after a fall, HKB"H knows my tefilla is not sincere, it is just me trying to unload my guilt.
From the way I feel while pondering my transgressions of past, I surmise that it is a very dangerous activity because it does somehow reignite a longing subtle as it may be. I suspect it is the YH trying to get into my head in the guise of T'shuva and then take me down from inside. A true "Inside Job". I cannot let this happen.
I think I will just try to blot the past out of my memory and only focus on today, davening to HKB"H to protect me today.
Maybe some day in the future I will merit Charata, and appreciate the bitterness of my actions, but for now, I am happy, grateful and encouraged by HKB"H's protection from lust for today. It is a great improvement from my past years and I feel my life will continue changing for the better.
Thanks for "listening".

Could you explain why you call this is a step one? I thought step one is when you conclude that you need a change.

I think you crave those things because you you haven't changed. I couldn't help but notice in the white book that "eventual victory over lust" is "eventual" and is not one of the steps.

Regardless it was a nice post, so thank you.

hwhap@gmx.com wrote:


By Step 1, I just meant reviewing the details of my history. I realize that this eventual victory over lust is a gift from HKB"H that I hope someday to merit.

Thank you so much for the response!

pischoshelmachat

Sounds Truly Dangerous to me. The only way that I'm doing my hishtadlus to keep clean is by absolutely sealing out all and any thoughts of past misdeeds. What will be with proper teshuva? One day I'll know, and hopefully will be able to do it. Maybe I'll be 85 years old and will not feel this taiva anymore, but then I'll be able to look back and say that when I was young and truly in the grip of things, I did my best to put the brakes on all of that behavior.

Pretty good defense in the teshuva trial, no?

pischoshelmachat wrote:
I have a couple comments based on how I remember dov explaining step 1.

Firstly, it's on paper, not in one's head. He even recommends hand writing it rather than typing it.

Secondly, the point of step 1 is not "to discover how". It is siply to write the facts of your acting out history. No editorial, no motives. You are merely reporting the facts as they occured to the best of your recollection.

When you are done, you may come to the realization that you are powerless over lust and your life has become unmanagable.

At that point, you have done the first step as I understand it.

[quote="gibbor120" post=256497]pischoshelmachat wrote:


I already realize that I am powerless. I was not specifically doing my 1st step, just pondering how I got here and reviewing in my mind all of my "mitzvos" Since I did my first step, I am constantly horrified as I remember new "incidents" and new "mitzvos" that I did and forgot about.
As I am horrified, there is also this subtle longing feeling and that is where it gets dangerous.
I left you a voice message with a big Mazel Tov.
You are a huge inspiration for me. I realize it will take me 6 years to get where you are but only 1 day to be clean today. I think it will be easier for me to focus on today but I cannot help aspiring to achieve long term sobriety.
Do you still get lust cravings?

pischoshelmachat wrote:
Thank you .

pischoshelmachat wrote:
One of the "attitudes" that used to get me to fall is "I'm gonna fall at some point. I can't keep this up forever, my history tells me that, might as well fall now". Thinking about the future is poison for recovery.

pischoshelmachat wrote:
Yes, I still get cravings occationally. But not as often, and generally not as intense. I try to remind myself, that acting out is hell, and I don't want to be in hell (I don't mean hell after this world, I mean "living" in this world in hell.) I cannot afford it. It's too painful.

gibbor120 wrote:


How long does it take until the cravings start to dull?