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Hashem, please open up the road for me!!!
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 73280 Views

Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 12 Mar 2013 20:30 #203432

I started my 90 day journey last Shabbos and it feels great so far. I know that I will walk into an ambush any time and I daven that with my little hishtadlus in joining this wonderful community of GYE and with the chizuk from my new partner, I will be able to pass my first test.
In the mean time I thank the RBS"O for every day that I am able to stay clean.
What a breath of fresh air.
I am now almost 46 and I so badly want to be mesaken this while I am still in the young years so that my Teshuvah can be complete.
I don't like to talk or even think about what I have done in the past because it is too painful for me to face the horrible things that I did that are so not who I really am. I want this to be the beginning of my new life that is Tocho K'Baro.
I cry every day that my children should be pure and grow in Torah and Yiras Shomayim but how can I expect the RBS"O to give me ehrliche children if I don't fix myself. I just daven to the RBS"O that my children should always be Yirei Shamayim and not be punished for my weaknesses.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 12 Mar 2013 20:47 #203435

  • reallygettingthere
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Welcome Chaver,

I feel your pain. I feel like I could have written the same things you did. You are not alone.

I've been here on GYE since the day after Yom Kippur the direction my life has taken since then shows me that it is never too late.

I would recommend checking out the welcome packet. It's a great place to start guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/101129-Welcome-Package-for-Newcomers

It's not an easy process, but the rewards are infinite.

Eli
Roy in the SA White Book noted that we frequently prayed and it did not work...because the best we could muster was begging G-d to "Please take it away, so I will not have to give it up!

No amount of sobriety can cure the insanity -ChaimCharlie

The emmes hurts but fake chizzuk will hurt more -Bards

Remember, best block, no be there - Mr. Miyagi

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 14 Mar 2013 21:52 #203562

I'm desperate for Shabbos. I just had to drive downtown and I was assaulted by billboards and pritzus from people on the street and in the building I had to visit. I pulled up by a red light near a truck and was staring right at shmutz. I didn't slip but the nagging inside of me to indulge is driving me crazy.
I just said a kapittel tehillim and had you in mind so I hope Hashem will get this out of me. It is so scary how impacted I am just from driving down the street and how what I see even at a glance penetrates so deep into my mind and body. It adheres to me like a fish hook and tries to tire me out to succumb. I feel like a fish on a hook fighting and struggling helplessly as the fisherman enjoys his sport of tiring me out, wearing me down and reeling me in. I am at day 12, almost Bar Mitzvah but I will not slip...absolutely not!!!
Last Edit: 14 Mar 2013 21:54 by pischoshelmachat. Reason: grammar

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 14 Mar 2013 22:02 #203563

pischoshelmachat wrote:
... I feel like a fish on a hook ...


Never forget that while one end of the hook tries to catch you, the other end has the "pischoshelmachat", the tiny opening where we can escape to Hashem.

Hatzlacha

MT
Last Edit: 14 Mar 2013 22:35 by Machshovo Tova.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 15 Mar 2013 01:36 #203578

  • gibbor120
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First of all WELCOME to our community! It's great to have you with us.

Reading your posts, I had a few thoughts...

pischoshelmachat wrote:
I started my 90 day journey last Shabbos and it feels great so far. I know that I will walk into an ambush any time and I daven that with my little hishtadlus in joining this wonderful community of GYE and with the chizuk from my new partner, I will be able to pass my first test.

From your next post, it seems you passed your first test B"H .

pischoshelmachat wrote:

I am now almost 46 and I so badly want to be mesaken this while I am still in the young years so that my Teshuvah can be complete.

Hoping for a complete teshuva is a noble goal. You do not spell out what "the horrible things I did" are, but if you are an addict, the goal of "recovery" and "progressive freedom from lust" (or something like that) are both more realistic and more healthy. We have all been on the teshuva, nefila, teshuva roller coaster. It gets us nowhere. It just goes round and round and round. It sounds like you are familiar with the ride like the rest of us.

pischoshelmachat wrote:

I don't like to talk or even think about what I have done in the past because it is too painful for me to face the horrible things that I did that are so not who I really am. I want this to be the beginning of my new life that is Tocho K'Baro.

Yes, it is painful to face those things in the past, and I don't recommend wallowing in them, but facing them will help you move on. I shared my story with a few safe people and it helped me to accept myself as I am. It ultimately helped me to move on. You say "that are so not who I really am". Well, who did those maasim? You did them - right?

I am not trying to be mean. I have been there, and had the same thoughts. I wanted to be perfect, but it is hard to feel perfect when you are doing things you know are wrong, and can't stop! I had to let go of those feelings of trying to be perfect/kaddosh and accept who I was. Trying to be perfect/kaddosh was part of the problem for me. It created stress. Which led me to my stress reliever... which led to feelings of guilt... which is stressful.... which led to my stress releiver ... and so the roller coaster went round and round. I learned that my problem, was not that I was doing issurim. My problem was living life. My "solution" to the problem, was doing devarim assurim.

I had periods of sobriety, but they didn't last, they had no foundation. I had to first accept myself, warts and all, before I could move on. I had to do as dov says "get off the 18 wheeler and on to a trycycle". Let go of the inflated expectations and face reality. Speaking to someone in person really makes reality hit. We need is to live in reality, not fantasy.

pischoshelmachat wrote:

I see even at a glance penetrates so deep into my mind and body. It adheres to me like a fish hook and tries to tire me out to succumb. I feel like a fish on a hook fighting and struggling helplessly as the fisherman enjoys his sport of tiring me out, wearing me down and reeling me in. I am at day 12, almost Bar Mitzvah but I will not slip...absolutely not!!!

The more the fish fights, the deeper the hook gets. Recovery is about letting go and not fighting. (No, letting go does NOT mean giving in.) I have learned that I need to live in a healthy way so I don't have the struggle (at least not as much) in the first place. Struggling eventually leads to losing. It's just a matter of time.

I tried to convey some things I have learned. Many of them, I have learned from dov (I hope I have conveyed them accurately). You can check out the link in my signature to dov quotes for some real gems.

I wish you hatzlacha rabbah! We are all in this together.
Last Edit: 15 Mar 2013 21:06 by gibbor120.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 15 Mar 2013 01:49 #203581

WOW!!! What a powerful post. Thank you so much. It will take me some time to digest all you wrote. I am so strenghtened just by seeing how you care to take the time to read my post, focus on it and try to put yourself in my frame of mind and then provide me with such chizzuk. I'm sure you have plenty to do but you gave me some precious time. Thank you for that.

I don't like thinking about things that I have done because I am afraid of what my memories can trigger. As Reb Nosson ZT"L once said in an Ellul Shmooze, "Men Tor Nisht Gribblen in der Blotteh"

Please explain what you mean let go but don't give in. I feel that I must be tough to repel the attacks of the Yetzer Hara. Sure I daven to HKB"H that he shield me and give me the strength to resist, but when the fire heats up, i have to get really tough to tell the YH where to go. I feel that I cannot let go because i am on a tightrope at all times over Niagara Falls and the slightest distraction will destroy me. So NO I cannot let go or give in.

DAY 13!! 15 Mar 2013 21:02 #203633

I am so excited to have reached Day 13. Bar Mitzvah. It feels so good to come into Shabbos feeling some kedusha.
Thank you all for your chizzuk.

Re: DAY 13!! 15 Mar 2013 21:30 #203636

  • reallygettingthere
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pischoshelmachat wrote:
I am so excited to have reached Day 13. Bar Mitzvah. It feels so good to come into Shabbos feeling some kedusha.
Thank you all for your chizzuk.


Mazal Tov.

Are you leining? Do they throw candies or pekelach in your shul. (If you call them pekelach, then they probably don't throw them at Bar Mitzvah bacurim in your shul)

Good Shabbos

Eli
Roy in the SA White Book noted that we frequently prayed and it did not work...because the best we could muster was begging G-d to "Please take it away, so I will not have to give it up!

No amount of sobriety can cure the insanity -ChaimCharlie

The emmes hurts but fake chizzuk will hurt more -Bards

Remember, best block, no be there - Mr. Miyagi

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 15 Mar 2013 21:50 #203638

  • gibbor120
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pischoshelmachat wrote:
WOW!!! What a powerful post. Thank you so much. It will take me some time to digest all you wrote. I am so strenghtened just by seeing how you care to take the time to read my post, focus on it and try to put yourself in my frame of mind and then provide me with such chizzuk. I'm sure you have plenty to do but you gave me some precious time. Thank you for that..

The fact that you got chizzuk, gives me chizzuk, so thank you!

pischoshelmachat wrote:

I don't like thinking about things that I have done because I am afraid of what my memories can trigger. As Reb Nosson ZT"L once said in an Ellul Shmooze, "Men Tor Nisht Gribblen in der Blotteh"

Firstly, that is not what you wrote above. You wrote

pischoshelmachat wrote:
I don't like to talk or even think about what I have done in the past because it is too painful for me to face the horrible things that I did that are so not who I really am.

Secondly, I agree with you to a degree. It really depends how it is done. I joined one of the 12 step phone conferences from GYE. One of the most difficult (and most important) things I did was to do a first step inventory. I wrote down my entire history of acting out. I then read it (really paraphrased it) to the group. I can tell you that it did not trigger me at all. It was quite a humbling experience. At the same time it was a very liberating experience. It is hard to describe, but being able to articulate it was a very important step for me.

A lot of the work has to do with "getting out of Hashem's way" so to speak. The ultimate goal of the 12 steps (as I understand it) is really humility. Humbly accepting what Hashem has in store for us. Much of our acting out doesn't really come from ta'avah. It comes from being uncomfortable with life for one reason or another. Acting out is just a drug that makes life more bearable (in the short term). The humble acceptance that Hashem runs the show and we are just here to do his will releives us of that stress so we have no need to act out.

Thirdly, can you translate the yiddish phrase. I am somewhat yiddish impaired. I undertand only a bissel .

pischoshelmachat wrote:

Please explain what you mean let go but don't give in.

I will try. Many of these concepts came to me gradually. Some I am still fuzzy on. I'm no expert, I am just trying to share my experience.

Often times, I would have a good streak for a period of time. Then I would be waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store and have a conversation with myself that went something like this.

"I have a good streak going don't look at that magazine."

"But I really want to look."

"But it's not good for you."

"Why does Hashem put me in theses situations? How does he expect me to pass? It's not fair."

To me, "letting go" means letting go of my expectations. My little conversation with myself is my selfish desire for something, and my wish that Hashem wouldn't put it in front of me. How many times did I wish that acting on my desires was just muttar? That is ME trying to run the show. ME trying to tell Hashem what I think is good for ME. I need to trust Hashem to run the show.

I need to "let go" of my desire, not struggle with it. Struggling, is just a way of hanging on to it. Letting go, is the feeling that it is not for me. Struggling, means I really want it and wish Hashem would let me have it.

There was a good story posted here a while back about a chassid who was walking with his rebbe. (I hope I'm telling it correctly) They passed a lady stuck in a pit. The rebbe helped her climb out. The rebbe and the chassid continued walking. Finally, the chassid asked the rebbe "how could you touch that woman?" The rebbe replied, "I touched her for a moment (and then let go- my comment), you have been carrying her with you this whole time (and are still struggling - my comment)".

I'm not sure if I am being clear. Maybe dov will pop in and enlighten us.
Last Edit: 15 Mar 2013 21:50 by gibbor120.

Re: DAY 13!! 15 Mar 2013 21:50 #203639

Peklach for Aufruf only. But I'll be just as happy as any BM boy!

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 15 Mar 2013 22:17 #203640

Firstly,
Men Tohr Nisht Gribblen in Dehr Blotteh
We are not allowed to dig and roll in the mud!
I see from your postings and from the extensive Dov postings that I read from your links (Thank you so much for that) that I need an entirely new frame of mind and a complete reset to get into the 12 Step system.
I sent Dov a question that I had based on his posts in a private email. I am still forcing myself to communicate on this forum as I feel totally naked and exposed here and I am anonymous. I will have to work on myself to reach Dov's level of openness and honesty. I will have to think about your responses and let them percolate in my head so that I can digest this revolutionary way of thinking for me. I guess I am approaching a fork in the road, am I prepared to let go and get absorbed into the 12 step program or will I be sucked into the spiritual abyss. I am wondering to myself if there is a middle road and maybe I am not an addict and with this communication with you, my partner and the forum, I can keep vigilant clean and safe.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 15 Mar 2013 22:48 #203642

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I recognize the road you are on well. It took me a long time to get the courage to post here. After a short while, I didn't even think about it.

I struggled with the "am I and addict or not" question. I finally gave up. I went witth the basic idea that if the methods I have used until now are not working, I need to try something different.

The handbook on this site takes that basic approach. It has tools for every stage of "addiction" (used loosely).

Hatzlacha Rabbah! Have a good Shabbos!

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 17 Mar 2013 16:11 #203657

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What's with you Gibbor? Bards always said "No Gribbling"!
You nisht gevisst farshtanen?
bardichev wrote:
in simple english we say dont make the same mistake twice

there is a HUGE group of people who say NOT to gribble into the YH

reb nossson vachtfoigel used to say "gribble nisht"

gribble nisht is called keep on trucking!!

speak to dov=rebberebber  he says too that we dint need to figure out how the YH works


do u need to know how fire damages

or how nicotine kill the fresh cappilaireis in your lungs

or how potholes puncture truck tires

nehhhhhh

just listen to what your mother told you

dont talk to strangers

dont jump off a roof 'cause everyone is jumping

dont play with fire

dont look at someone elses plate (wife daughter shvigger)

kot!!

bardichev

bardichev wrote:
GUARD

I SAY THER NEEDS NO SOLUTION WHEN YOU DONT BECOME

FARKLAPPT AND FARGRIBBLED WITH THE PROBLEM

UVACHRTA BACHAIM!!!!

LIVE LIFE!!!

SMILE

DANCE

SING

MAKE JOKES IN SHUL (OF COURSE NOT DURING DAVENING)

SMASH YOUR OWN HAT

DRAW SMILEY ON YOUR KIDS HOMEWORK

TEXT YOUR WIFE KISSY SMILEYS( I HOPE IAM ALLOWED TO SAY THIS)

LIVE BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

b

There's some more good stuff
You'll find it here.
?דער באשעפער לאווט מיך אייביג. וויפיל לאוו איך עהם
My Creator loves me at all times. How great is my love for him?

Thank you T Zugger! 17 Mar 2013 18:09 #203659

Boruch Shehechiyanu Lazman Hazeh!
Thank you RBS"O for connecting me to this holy group and granting me 14 consecutive clean days. I am so excited to have reached level 3.
Ad heina azoruni...V'al titsheinu lanetzach.
RBS"O, PLEASE as you have helped me until now, please continue to shield me from the YH and please give me the strength not to ever let him in.
I want my home to be a great place for hashraas hashechinah. Please help me do that!!
Thank you to my partner and all who have stopped in here to give me chizzuk.

Re: Thank you T Zugger! 17 Mar 2013 23:41 #203669

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You're very welcome.
?דער באשעפער לאווט מיך אייביג. וויפיל לאוו איך עהם
My Creator loves me at all times. How great is my love for him?
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