Good morning friends,
I am sad today because I know my wife is sad and in pain because of my acting out. I know there is no sense in trying to change the past. The best I can do is the right thing today. I promised my wife that I will continue to do the right things working on my recovery one day at a time and I can only daven for HKBH to heal the wounds.
I am in agony over the pain I am inflicting upon my wife. She does not deserve what I did to her.
Why was I so stupid to think that my acting out is my private issue that does not affect her?

pischoshelmachat wrote:


This makes it sound like you knew that she knew when you were actin' out, but you never spoke about it, and you said to yourself: ah, it's my problem, not hers.

The truth is perhaps that what really pains you is 2 things:
1. that she found out
2. that she doesn't respect you like before

I know that a life of actin' out affects the wife and family, for I was there, am there and will be there. But that is not what you are talkin' about....I don't think.

and for all else readin', Yosef is a damn good friend of mine, so I am takin' some tough liberties here.

and the part about not changin' the past, and focusin' on today....Amen!
but if you could change the past, what part would you change?

b'hatzlachah

Today was another difficult day. My wife is sad and frustrated and probably angry at me. She is stressed and upset. She ranted at me this evening and afternoon and then feels bad for giving me a hard time. I am feeling quite down and sad. At first when she discovered my porn after the initial freak out she calmed down but 9 weeks later as it sinks in and she remembers back to my late nights at the office and all the other times I was not around she is experiencing much pain and it is killing me. Will we ever get past this or is sadness and melancholy my life sentence?

pischoshelmachat wrote:


No, it is not.

Switchin' modes from my last post, i remember many of our conversations.
You loved your wife and she loved you.
that is the truth.
The truth will always be there.
There are scars and the healin' process might take a while; perhaps even longer, but the truth will show itself; it always will.



b'hatzlachah

Of course I am sad that she found out and that her respect for me has decreased. But that is not the source of my pain. She never knew before she caught me but I looked at my porn use as bein adom lmakom and not something that would or should hurt her. Of course this is delusional but hey as an addict I am delusional.
I love provocative questions from a damn good friend.
If I could change the past I would have reached out for help at the first sign of straying. The steps have opened up a great window into my life for me to peer into as an outsider. I have pinpointed the initial trigger and event in my life that pushed me down the azozel mountain and had I reached out for help in how to deal with accept and appreciate my situation in life at that time, things would have been different.

I can relate to you on all counts.

I've told my wife (many times) those very words - that this issue has nothing to do with her and it's between me and Hashem.

It is a very tough thing for our wives to go through, and they don't know how to handle it. There are feelings of hurt, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of being lied to, feelings of not knowing who we really are. They want to be supportive, and they try, but they have a really difficult time wrapping their heads around the whole situation. So one minute they seem to be cool, understanding and working with us, the next they get a wave of hurt, and they make it known.

It takes time and work to repair a relationship and to build trust, but it can and does happen. Lying and hiding is what caused the problem. Continuing to be open and honest fixes it. I'm writing with lots of experience in this area.

Hatzlacha!

All the best to you!

skeptical wrote:


I want to come back to this one day....thanks

I find it interesting that at the same time that this conversation was going on here, I was having a conversation on the same exact topic with my wife.
Particularly about the bein adom lamakom aspect and how that affects a wife.
I was actually quite surprised that my wife seemed to feel the exact opposite of what I assumed. She felt that the aspect of cheating on her (through watching porn and acting out but not with actual relationships) was less of an issue then the hurt of seeing her husband experiencing such a yerida. She claims that a wife is disturbed when her husband falls from or is found out to never have been, on the level she was hoping him to be on. I am not sure I completely understand that feeling but that is how it is.
She seemed to feel that aspect was harder for her than anything else. She had been (and continues to be) a very supportive wife and in a certain sense she felt that she had been working hard for naught. (Fora simple example: she would go out of her way in the early years of her marriage to make sure that i wouldn't have to the bank or to government offices where the women are not so tzniusdik to put it mildly) It took her time to understand that it wasn't in vain and things might have been worse.
Also, she felt this point would be true in any marriage even if the husband wasn't a ben torah or barely holding on any high level of yiddishkeit. Again, not sure I understand but that is how she sees it.


Just one more point (in case I haven't babbled enough) there were alot of ups and downs with her emotions since I told her. Things would settle in, she would get sad and confused inside, work it out again and after a while it would repeat. eventually the times in between would get longer. I was very blessed that during the first days of dealing with this knowledge, we had been on vacation with no distractions and were able to spend hours and hours talking things through.
I was recently away on a business trip and again she was filled with a sadness that she wasn't completely sure about. But my guess would be it was more than just missing me. It was probably based on concern, and sadness that she had to be concerned.
Again, I think that with proper communication, time heals all wounds. But it is a process. and I can only talk for myself, but my marriage and our relationship has grown to tremendous levels because of it. (And I myself individually as well)

Una, very good point. Although my wife never articulated this, I am sure that she feels extreme let down and disappointment that her husband is not the kadosh that she thought she married and worked so hard to protect. She has said that "I worked so hard to be the best wife so we would be protected from these things but I now see that I cannot control it. All my hard work was in vain" Ad Kan Toichen Devoreha.
I'm sure that she is quite let down by me but is not expressing it in order to avoid hurting my feelings.

cordnoy wrote:

I'm a bit late to the "party". Lots of good stuff has been said. Work on staying sober, and the rest will fall into place. Be patient. There will be ups and downs. Gradually, more ups and less downs.

Being lied to is a big issue for a wife. They wonder (at least mine did), how could you have fooled me for so long? I always heard that trust is very important in a relationship, but I didn't understand it until I lost my wife's trust. B"H, several years later, things are much better.

Time is such a great healer.

Unfortunately though, time takes time.

Savlanut is essential here.

Hi
Thank you for your post. I really want to talk to you and get chizzuk from your experience. Do you feel your marriage is back in top shape like it was before her discovery?

PSM,
Since this is the source of so much pain for you, you can pray again and again for what you want to happen.
Hopefully, along the way you will also clarify what your motivation is. And when you do, if it's not up to scratch you will be inspired to want to modify that.
Hatzlacha and Shabbat shalom.
S