Thank you SG
Now my mind is working diligently to find an entire arsenal of excuses not to go Wednesday night. B"H so far I have none.

I'll just share a nice Vort about parshas Balak. The Oheiv Yisroel, the apter Rov would always say that the whole Torah is oozing with Ahavas Yisroel. A choosid asked him,"Where in Parshas Balak do you see ahavas yisroel? All it talks about is cursing and hurting K'lal Yisroel. The Rebbe answered,"That's easy, the name of the parsha is Ahavavs Yisroel because the roshei Taivos spell V'Ahavta L'reacha Kamocha!"
The choosid said, "but V'ahavta starts with a Vov, and not a Bais. Kamocha is a chaf not a koof"
Answered the Rebbe, "If you nitpick on every little detail, there can be no ahavas yisroel"
Ahavas Yisroel demands that we look away and take a chill pill sometimes.

Hi My Dear Friends,
I have told the YH so many times that I dont want to play with him. He keeps coming to the door and tells me "I know that you really do want to play with me". I saw a post about the innkeeper who wanted to change his clientele so he just kept his door locked until the dirty and vulgar boors stopped knocking at his door. Then he was able to renovate and create a welcoming environment for fine upper class gentlemen.
Well my inn is still on the go to list for the Y"H but my doors are bolted closed. The bolts are getting loose from the steady pounding of the vulgar boors who used to frequent my joint.
I will continue to tighten and reinforce my door until the boors just stop coming and give up on my place. Then I can welcome the RBS"O with open arms.
I am being a bit aggressive asking the RBS"O to help me clean up the joint and help me keep the bolts secure. I think I'll just hand over the keys to the joint to the RBS"O and relinquish my control to him. He will reinforce my door bolts and help me get everything cleaned up and prepared for the high class guests that I look foward to welcoming into my inn.
Hashem, PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Thank you all my dear friends. I have taken your advice. I am reading daily from the White Book and will make reading part of my daily schedule. I have found a temporary sponsor and have rejoined Dov's phonecall in earnest. I am currently working on my first step writing and hopefully giving over to the group. I am very nervous about that.
As some of you might know, the stakes have just multiplied big time. My wife caught me with porn, hence, the sudden spurt of cleanliness and the renewed vigor in getting with the program. My wife is understanding but she made it very clear that she will not live with a loser who jerks off to porn (my words..not hers..she is way too holy)and if she catches me again, our marriage is OVER!!!

My loving wife has a friend whose husband is in very bad shape as a sexaholic..been with hundreds of women and is in real bad shape. He is now attending SA meetings regularly.

Last night i made up my mind with the encouragement of many and my sponsor that I would go to a meeting. I told my wife that I want to go meet with someone for chizzuk and she panicked asking me "Please don't tell me you are going to an SA meeting?" "I cannot be married to an addict", she practically cried.
I told her of course not, and now i cannot go because i will not lie to her if i ever expect her to trust me again.
To her SA is for men who are sleeping around all day with prostitutes. Not for a mild porn/masturbater. She asked me "Is it more than porn but you are not telling me?"
I am totally spooked because i don't want to scare her but i think I should go to meetings. I will try to convey to her that SA is for "normal" people and the "off the charts" addicts are the exception not the rule.
I told her, when i promised it would not happen again, i really meant it and it was not lip service. This means i am making major changes in my life, which she sees. I told her, even if SA meetings (in her eyes) is overkill because it is only for "real" addicts, I want to "overmedicate" in the way of caution and I will back off if I see that I don't need "chemo" but Tylenol is enough.
This way she will not get spooked if I go to meetings. She does see that I am more patient and caring and productive since I joined GYE which I told her about years ago which i explained as a fellowship group of self improvement. This saved me because when she discovered my porn use last month, she knew I didn't wait for her to catch me to start working on myself. Now she knows the details of what I was working on.
I am so afraid of slipping and ruining my life. I need much help and chizzuk from all you my dear friends.
Thank you for "Listening"