You have something called insight and awareness. Those are very powerful tools.

You say you feel empty, lacking something. It's just a feeling that comes and goes, and it's ok to feel that way sometimes.

Just gotta ride it out and keep on trucking.

Davening for you, Yankel, for you to find simcha which should be nispashet till there's no 'empty' room left.

A gut moied!

Thank You all for all your support, through email, chats, and posts!!

I was thinking about the emptiness and, as someone (who shall remain nameless) wrote to me in an email

Nameless wrote:


I relate to that very much. That got me thinking about two really easy things that I can do to improve and build my "connection muscles".

1) Mindfulness (also known as meditation). To take 5 minutes a day and just live in the moment (there was a thread about it somewhere where someone posted about it)

2) I saw on the rules of Dov's Desparados, Dov wrote:


3) Staying in touch with friends DAILY!! That includes two things

• Calling someone and speaking to them
• Emailing at least two friends

I am opening a new thread to use as my "Checklist" and mark that I have done the aforementioned "exercises".

(I was gonna add "post", but if I have to post that I did the other three, then I have already taken care of posting!)

I fell again last night and this morning, smaller ones on the scale, but falls none the less.

I had two insights through Yom Tov.

1) I was madly depressed on the first day of Yom Tov. I was HATING myself, hating my life, hating everything about me. Going down that train of thought used to end me up being terribly upset with Hashem as well, but this time it was quite different.

As the thought of "Hashem hates me" started to come, all of my GYE education kicked in and I couldn't help but realize that Hashem loves me just the way I am....it's ME who is upset with the way I am, it is me who is keeping myself miserable!!

The depression didn't lift right away, but it started from there and quicker than other times, it passed.

2) While I was talking to Hashem on Shabbos I was asking Him to help me on Motzei Shabbos, and I started saying "Even though I'm doing ok now, I know that it's so so so so......easy to get off track" After quite a few "so"s I realized that it's quite the opposite.

Default is that I will give in to temptation, default is that when a desire comes I have to satiate it! If I want to stay clean I have to actively go out of that stream, I have to constantly fight against the current!! That's why I'm here, malachim do the right thing by default, Hashem doesn't need me for that.

Starting Today again. It is very easily depressing, as I used to be doing so well......just gotta keep on trucking!!

There's only a little time left for the opportunity that I have here to have an unfiltered computer, I don't need to take advantage of it, not today.

Pidaini wrote:


I respectfully disagree.

If I am an addict then I can no more fight my addiction than I can fight my hayfever.

(Incidentally I also can't neglect to take my anti-histamines and then try to stop myself sneezing.)

Step 1 is to stop fighting.

No reason for despair . i am not sure how old you are. but i have been in the business

of falling and falling and retrying for way over 4 decades and only now i am starting

to see light at the end of the tunnel(yes the tunnel is still there ) . Just like HASHEM

IS ETERNAL so too HIS PATIENCE IS ETERNAL . and HIS LOVE IS ETERNAL .

Take your time , pick up all the pieces , reassemble yourself and think , think

about your strategies or the [points that make feel down or angry .

Please keep your cool , this is about mistakes and feedbacks and new strategies .

if you fight that in itself means victory , Not putting the fight up is definitely a

loser . אל תירא עבדי יעקב !

i agree with MR Watson when he wrote about stop fighting , he meant something .

when i wrote to continue the fight i meant something else . i think we both agree.

and i think it is clear for you too.

John Watson wrote:


Thank You.

To clarify, I saw a very good quote somewhere, it reads "recovery=abstinence + change". I did not mean the fight against lust, I meant the fight of me doing something against my natural inclination. That is almost always what doing the right thing entails. To make he changes in life, to live more.

I guess I should go do some of that now. Bye!!

Pidaini wrote:


What is the 'something' you're fighting to do?

Wouldn't the action of taking the anti-histamines be fighting the histamines?

I don't get why people have conniptions every time someone mentions the word 'fighting,' b'derech moshul.

conniptions...Love that word!!

Fighting brings to (my) mind a person who is up against something big and him sweating and punching trying to remove the obstacle.

I don't think it always has mean that, fighting can also be in a calm, thought out, manner.

Learning, doing things for others, reaching out are all things that I don't like to do and they certainly don't come naturally. Going against my nature, the tide of my being, would constitute fighting my nature, with no implications. Just the simple fact that doing so is fighting the tide.

I think.

Pidaini wrote:


I am in middle of reading this book on depression. The main thing he writes if to say to yourself a million times a day, "I love myself. I love myself. I love myself."

Think about it. If one of your GYE friends was going through a period of falling similar to yourself or worse, would you hate him? Or, would you love him?

Be just as kind to YOURSELF. and of course, kot.

I have all the answers, I really do!! I'll spare you the entire thought process going through my depressed mind (you can read it in the spoiler if you want)



There's just one problem, Chazal have already told us that "Ein Hachavush matir es atzmo - The one who is tied up cannot untie himself". He may know very well how to untie the knots, he can explain it in great detail so much so that it can seem alive to those listening, but unless someone else comes and unties those knots that are binding the person to the chair.....he cannot get out.

I have been thinking all that, back and forth, for a few hours now, but it hasn't helped very much. When I decide that I have had enough, that I really want out, I'm gonna need others.

This is a start.

Pidaini wrote:

maybe it should be called Chutes and Ladders,
but really here the yeridos are letzorech aliyos and its all ladders
so
KOC(limbing)!