i guess they let me in, for I was on the phone in several oink meetings.

Additionally, the filth that I was (is?) into can match any swine!!!

I believe there is a minyan of "shema zuggers" now.

I wanted to start last night, but I fell asleep talkin' to wife...oh well.

And TZ, we are on our way to 8th edition, but sadly, really in no mood for it, or to write about it. Sorry.

count me in for the krias shma upgrade

(i was an inadvertent guest speaker once [still have a $12,000 open balance for that btw, grrrr], so i hope i can be an associate apprentice intern surrogate member)

ZemirosShabbos wrote:

you're on the list to get paid after the guy who is waiting to get paid for the double-cheese pizza from the chanuka mesibah

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:


Just to add to this, the initial Kabolo that I had made was actually my wife's idea. Shortly after I had fessed up to her about my "stuff", and before i had even discovered GYE, we were discussing some ideas that would help me be Mechazek and she suggested Krias Shma. I kept to it for quite a while but in recent months i had let it slip. She bugged me about it every now and then and I would say "I'm just going to take it more seriously, I'm gonna try harder, etc. etc."

So following Pidaini's lead, I told my wife about this group Kabbolo and thereby made it really real. And it helps motivate me, knowing that I'm not doing it just for myself, but for all of us here. So far, so good (2 days). Lets continue it, B'ezras Hashem, ONAAT!

גם אני מתחיל בל"נ להתחזק בקרי"ש שעה"מ! זהו רעיון מצוין ונפלא! ראו ספה"ק "תפארת שמשון" בפרשת שמות איך שמאריך בזה איך שזה מועיל לענינינו
אין לכם מושג מה מתרחש כעת בהגרויסע שטוב על כל ה'אוינק' אוינק פי...גיס




א גוטע נאכט! שרי לי' מארי'... זייט געזונט
עס איז אזוי גוט צו ליינען גוט קריאת שמע


[...די איבריגע בילדער קען איך נישט לייגן , געס ווייל ס'איז....... חזיר'יש]
translaters please....

Back to PORN (much more intersting than KRISSH)!!!

Yessir, I am not perfect, nor am I meant to be. So then why does it kill me when someone tells me I made a mistake?!

I woke up this morning with a burning desire to throw away life, i don't care, just get me a good looking (naked) woman!!! BH, I have friends that I can call and I spoke about it, and finally was able to surrender the fantasy of being perfect.

Truth is that I am perfect, with all my mistakes and deficiencies, I am exactly the way I am supposed to be!! I would still rather not know them though.....

I still need to takl to Hashem, to finish the surrender.....maybe by KRISSH (did we end up back there again?!?)

Yesterday was a day, a really tough day.

I was tired, and many things were being thrown my way. I could go on and on, but none of it really makes that mcuh of a difference.

When i finally finished all the errands of the day, and called TZ, I was amazed!! I had done it!! I had gone through a really tough day with minimal, and I mean less than ever, lusting!! (I took a few extra peeks, but I didn't go looking for pics on the computer, nor did I fantasize).

WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU HASHEM!!!!!!

I was so excited I even told my mother (who had her share in throwing some things my way as well) that she could be very proud of her son, he has come a long way!!

During the day I spoke to Hashem, tried giving up control (a few times), and kept my eyes set on doing what I needed to do at that moment. I chatted with a few freinds, letting them know that I was in a rotten mood.

as Nitzotz wrote to me last night (about himself, but I feel the same way)
nitotzeloki wrote:

It's one foot in front of the other....One day at a time.....

Still on rough turf.....had a few interesting things that I heard and really related to.

One was when Hashme's Soldier was telling me how he was trying to explain to his Rosh Yeshivah that it's not just a nisayon, it's something that he doesn't even enjoy doing yet he feels he has to.

That really resonated, I don't even enjoy when I am staring at the girl / young women on the street, but I find myself doing it anyway. I want to stop, but I feel like I need it for my sanity (which is non-existant.)

I called a friend yesterday. He didn't pick up, instead he sent me a text:

Him: Yes?

Me: so why didn't you pick up the phone?

Him: I'm by a shiur

Me: Cr@p here, how's by you?

Him: Kichsa

Me: Wallowing in self pity is way cooler than actually going out and doing something

Him: Maskim

Me: But you know what? It's uncomfortable and I'm looking around for a girl to make me feel better - there ain't none around, so might as well go out and live

Him: Nah hook up ur roommate's computer to ur phone…

Me: He don't have it no more

Him: D@mn

Him: Ask … for his

Me: No

Him: Why not?

Me: Because it will make me feel worse

Him: But now it'll make you feel much better

Me: Not even for the duration of the orgasm

Him: U suck

Him: U don't even enjoy the orgasm

Me: אני הולך להתפלל ערבית של ראש חודש

Him: Enjoy

This really got me thinking. I really DON"T enjoy sex. I can't it's painful for me. When I do it, it's because my life depends on it, because I'll die if I don't do it.

Was that a conversation with the YH?

OOOH You just offended someone big time.

He's a good Jew that was going through a rough time. He was sharing honest feelings.

should I post?.......neh......maybe.......why?......just because.....ok

done

All we all love it whenever you post whatever it may be

tehillimzugger wrote:

Is that how they say "we" in Texas?

All right, I'll be more specific....this is gonna hurt and then I'll feel good about the fact that I was able to hurt myself.

I was/am insane today. Absolutely nuts. It's a long twisted chain of thoughts but what it boiled down to was, "I'm done, I'm going to go act out because I was treated to a full serving of non-perfection and I've been trying so hard to be perfectly not perfect. So since I got so bent out of shape that I'm not perfect, so I'm never going to be perfect. Well if I'm never going to be perfect then what am I doing?! Let me go act out, throw away GYE, OINK, MendelZ. I'm not going to be able to face them afterwards, but I don't care."

Somehow I pushed myself to call MendelZ, and boy does he have patience....I was ranting and raving like a NON-recovering lunatic.

So in the end of it all, I feel somewhat like a looser. I could've prooven that I was powerless by myself....I could've acted out. I wouldn't have needed to show it to anyone, could've stayed in isolation for a bit....

Now, I did it through someone else. Somebody else actually lived through my being insane in realtime!!! AHHHHHHH!!! It's not a secret anymore, not ust another story!!!!!

One difference.....NOW I am still clean. NO guilt, no regret, just a little bit of imaginary shame (for in reality MendelZ knew I was insane long before today anyway)