markz wrote:


Strange....but I think I have two chazakos of 90 days.

If this was a Torah&Chizuk poster I'd tell you that we hold like Rav lechumra that 2x is a chazaka

But as one of the balaba tim, I can tell you, Cord' you have a much better chazaka!!

חזקה אין אדם משים עצמו רשע

Keep it up

I think cordnoy means that he has gotten to 90 6 times.

If you want to know the tools i have used read this thread. But mostly it is keeping my eyes and thoughts clean and trusting in Hashem.

So how are u doin?

yehoshua wrote:


Right now I am sick, tired and hungry. But I am happy and content. And therefore bH i am doing great. Its nice to hear from you yehoshua. How are you doing?

Remember: current clean streak is 1 day.

Thank you for the "right back at 'ya question". I am sick too, tired too, but Baruch Hashem I am not hungry. I am happy too, but not content. Wait, maybe I am not happy. Sorry to write it, it's this moment.

These beginnings are sooooooooooooooooo hard.

But this question: "How are you doing?" is for an addict so beautiful, because it gives belief that there is hope.

So thank you.

I remember.

Beginings are always hard. But as long as I am happy with my life I am ok. When I start to find flaws there are problems.

Current streak: 1 day. This time for real.

And again. 1 day. The last 4 falls have been the exact same circumstances. So I made a pseudo-taphsic. I took on a something to do, bli neder, before I start to engage in the action that leads to my falling. I feel like I need to stop and think before I act. The impulse is strong, so I need a buffer. I did it bli neder because I am terrified of nedarim.

In addition I have been depressed recently. Been feeling entitled and consequently underappreciated. Also unproductive and hopelessly wrong about every decision. So not a good combination.

I realize that the latter is more the underlying problem whereas the former problem is simply the expression of the symptoms. Nevertheless feeling very unconected to my higher power. Which of course is my fault because I am not putting in the work. Another thing to add to the list that is my fault. (Now I am being self pitying)

Also my phone buzzes several times a day with another attack. I wonder if one of those buzzes will be that I was run over or stabbed waiting for my bus. Last incident was not so far from me. I also wonder if my dying thought would be thank you Hashem for ending it. But that is fantasizing, also bad for my sobriety.

Don't worry you all I am not going to off myself. I am not even close to that. I just need to write out my thoughts now. It gives me perspective. I need to do my thank yous. It has been too long.

I did my thank yous and listened to Rav Twersky. Feel much better.

MBJ wrote:


Nice
Email me if you want a quick meet.

Pathetic part is I don't even really enjoy it anymore. I just feel like crap afterwards, even if I am floating for a few moments during. The juice is definitely not worth the squeeze. I know this yet there I go acting out anyway.

Just got to keep guarding my nose.

Before I forget again: Thank you Hashem for creating this amazing planet that has the perfect location and atmosphere to keep its water in liquid form over most of its surface.

So I fell again on wednesday night. A bad one. Went to a bit of porn along the way.

Then thursday night I ws home alone and boy did I want to fall. But I am tired of falling. So I decided that I didn't want to. But man I really eanted to. My arms were itching to masturbate. My eyes wanted to see some porn. So I explained the situation to Hashem. I told Him how much I ached to act out. But that I didn't really want to. I asked Him for help to keep my hands aeay from the wrong places and my eyes from looking for the bad things. A miracle happened and the urge went away. I felt wonderful because I can stay sober at least for just today.

Then erev Shabbos and I am going to shower and I wanted to fall again, like the last few ervey shabbos/chag. This time I said I can stay sober just for today. I asked Hashem for help and started singing popcorn and didn't even think about masturbating again.

I feel great now. Better than I have in a while. I don't know if it will take long term. I do know that I can stay sober for just today.

Thank you Hashem for creating the capacity in me to hear and appreciate the complicated patterns of music and then recall and reproduce it with my voice so I can sing in the shower. (though popcorn is not really singing)

Having a bit of a struggle the last few days.

I have an issue. I am in a situation where the physical difference between doing something that is wonderful and pure and something that is lusting and self-serving and almost abusive is the size of a hair. It is so easy to be moreh heter and say it isn't so bad, it is so close to the thing that is wonderful.

But I realize that while the physical difference is tiny, the spiritual difference is huge. The difference in my thoughts and emotions when I am on one side of that line and the other side is like night and day.

But it is so easy to be moreh heter, RBS"O, I surrender the right to literally cross that line. Please help me stay on this side of the line. I don't want to endanger myself by crossing the line.

Hi MBJ,
Are you asking for advice or just venting?
Either way, I wish you siyata dishmaya and success.