Dear MM,

There are many schools of thought around here, so I'm sure you'll hear varying approaches. You need to see what's appropriate for your situation. For instance, you mention that 'gedarim' alone do not work for you. How about 'gedarim' together with 'nedarim'? Some people here don't think it's the way to go, but other 'swear' by it (pun intended). If you think it may help you, read up in the GYE handbook (Taphsic method) and see what's what.

Obviously, you should daven to Hashem for guidance and shmirah.

Hatzlacha,

MT

Day 1 (I hope)

I had the same "epiphany" yesterday that I have had many times before. Sobriety for me can't mean only that I haven't looked at pornography. It means that I have been acting responsibly and staying off my bottom lines. I had ~45 days but they were filled with escapism (during work hours) including tv, podcasts, comics, online articles, etc. A couple of the things I looked at had inappropriate material sprinkled throughout other appropriate material, but I knew almost for certain that there would be those inappropriate images and would scroll past them quickly but look while I did it. Today I am going to try to stay focused on one thing at a time and just do my work with no distraction. I will probably post some writing exercises that my sponsor has suggested as I will use this forum to record my process. (posted this in separate thread, but I want to keep everything in one place.)

10 am
Just doing my work without distraction feels better than distracting and hating myself for it.
10:30
getting trapped in math puzzles.
11 am
trying to get back to work.
12:35 pm
did some good work, still a little distracted by math puzzles, but doing okay.
day ended pretty trong, no tv, no movies, no questionable sites.

Facing a task that usually stumps me, got started and did some good work, but was told to switch tasks and took a little break to take care of some financial issues. I feel bad for not paying attention to our bank accounts to see that we would overdraft. trying to take care of it without beating myself up.



Did pretty good work today. Lost my focus and allowed myself to start watching youtube at ~3:30, but reached out to my boss and finished strong at work.

 

hey, hook us up with some math puzzles!!
maybe on a different thread? sounds like a fantastic "mind occupier" for when one is bored...

qwerty123456 wrote on 24 May 2019 02:05:

Many friends here have been doing that and are mathematicaly stumped as to how to piece together the 90 day chart.

Tell them it’s not a whole number!!!
The puzzle is made out of ODAAT pieces!

And the biggest piece is the elusive ‘connection’ one. For those that can’t find this one, strangely the puzzle keeps slipping and falling again and again and again.

Oh and did you know that 90x1 = 90x1?

Fell last night with videos, but not HZ"L.

I tell myself that I cannot start anything, but this morning started almost immediately with google searches that didn't work because of my filter. Stopped myself from the google searches I know would work and came here instead.

Have a lot of little tasks today that I know how to do, but still feeling triggered from Monday and last night.

Math puzzles I found are at mindyourdecisions.com (has links to youtube solution videos but also written descriptions so that I don't have to go to youtube. Brilliant is another site that has interesting courses).

Reached out to my sponsor this morning before I started work to pre-empt my acting out. didn't fully work but I have opportunity right now and I am not taking it. so It's an okay start.

Also set myself a goal of a large number of pull-ups today (working from home) so that I have a physical outlet.

You sound a little bit like me....do you have attention issues? My therapist actually firmly believes that a good chunk of my pst sexual struggles are rooted in attention and impulsivity issues, and not as much sexual. Does that relate to you at all? 

MickeyMussar wrote on 24 May 2019 16:03:

Time for “Rewiring the brain 101” - pull ups while doing math puzzles should do the trick!

well the advantage of pull ups is that your hands cant be in two places at the same time

Friday ended up ok. Still watched some youtube videos of political odcasts and distracted myself from work, but didn't act out. hit my pull up target (and went beyond).

Shabbos and Sunday monday were okay, but Tuesday going back to work I ended up distracting myself from the work I was supposed to be doing and looking at images.

I will try to stay focused today, my boss has us going on a morale boosting outing this afternoon so hopefully I can stay focused for the morning.

Yesterday did not go well. Was distracted in the morning and my eyes wandered on our outing. Ended up in the bathroom before bed with an iPad and fell again. I am getting very discouraged. I think I might have sleep problems that sap my energy and make acting out more likely. Trying to bring a curiosity to my struggle today, asking myself what I am feeling before I act out, or what I think acting out will get me, etc.

We'll see what happens.

MickeyMussar wrote on 30 May 2019 15:45:

Or maybe better, guardyoureyes...

Hello! I see last time you posted was a few years ago… maybe give us an update on how’s life? I’m sure the guys that remember you here are very curious and the new guy like me also want to hear were your holding in your fight,are you past it,still struggling? Something bro??