In OM's Personal Recovery Plan thread here: www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4302.msg143039#msg143039 he states that I am sober for 1 year through SA. That is not accurate. I never went to SA. The closest thing I did was to join Dov's phone call.

B"H I have been sober for over 3 years now (1235 days).

I do feel some achrayus to share what I have done. I have gained a great deal from being here and perhaps someone else can gain from my experiences.

I was actually sober for about 2 years before finding GYE, but I would characterize those years as "the dry drunk years". Yes, I was sober, but that was mainly due to my wife finding out about my addiction (sobriety through fear). It was only after coming to GYE and learning a few things, and meeting a few people that my attitude changed my sobriety came much more easily to me. That is not to say that I don't have difficult times any more, just that they are fewer and further between, and generally less intense.

I should mention that once my wife found out, we spoke with our rav, both individually and together. It was a big help to both me and my wife. She had no understanding whatsoever how a frum person could do what I was doing. My rav helped a great deal to restore shalom.

Reading the handbook, and sharing it with my wife finally enabled us to talk more openly and honestly. My wife began to understand me (although I'm pretty sure she can never fully understand me). I began to open up to her more than ever before. (this part is tricky, and I still struggle with when and how much to share).

The first BIG thing that I learned from GYE is that I have an allergy to lust. The word lust is very important. I had always viewed my problem in frum terms. I was doing aveiros chamuros. My entire focus was to stop doing aveiros. Now, my wife for example is mutar to me, so I figured fantasizing about her was mutar. My entire avodah was in the realm of issur v'heter. Once I realized that I had an allergy to lust, I knew that lusting over my wife was the same drug as lusting over anyone else. I had to let go of lust in all it's forms mutar or assur is totally irrelevat - both forms are toxic for me.

I learned that my real problem was not an over-active yetzer hora. I have quite a bit of self-control, but in this area, I couldn't control myself no matter how hard I tried. My results varied, but they never lasted, and my struggle only intensified. I realized that acting out was not the problem, but rather the solution (a very bad one indeed) to my other problems. My real problem was dealing with life. Acting out was just a syptom of that problem. It was my escape route.

I learned from dov that struggling with the problem was just a way of holding on to it. I needed to "let go" of the problem.

I can't remember who pointed me to Dr. Sorotzkin's website, but that made a big impact on me as well. His articles and audio about perfectionism and sexually acting out in particular, were a big help to me. They are all on his website at drsorotzkin.com/ . His descriptions of perfectionism and acting out fit me "perfectly" (pardon the pun).

Sharing my problems with other addicts that I met on this forum helped as well. For the first time in my life, I could share my deepest secrets, which I found to be very therapudic. I was not alone in this struggle.

I met dov and I joined his phone call. Sharing my feelings, was new to me. I had always kept things bottled up, trying to portray an image of perfection. Letting go and admitting my shameful deeds, paridoxically, helped me to let go of the shame and come to acceptance. That is not to say that what I did was ok, but that I could live with myself and move on. I could accept that Hashem loves me unconditionally, and that he is here for me. I don't have to "pretend" to be perfect. Hashem loves me with all my imperfections, many of them were given to me and were not a result of my bechira at all. I am not saying that I don't have an achrayus to fix them. Only that I don't have to feel ashamed that I have them. I only have to feel ashamed if I don't care enough to do something about them. (incidentally, this is one of the messages that my rav conveyed to me and my wife.)

I'm sure there is more for me to share, but this is what comes to mind at the moment.

I just want to make a final point about this forum. I was a great outlet for me, but it seems to me that most of the people who are in real recovery "graduate" from this forum at some point. It is a springboard to learning new ideas, and new attitudes. It is a way to meet people who we can share our struggles with, but ultimately, it is the real relationships that make a difference. Posting here can be (and is in many cases) an escape from real life as well.

I do beleive in levels of addiction (although I know dov does not - you are either pregnant or you are not). Different people need different things, but if you are constantly struggling despite posting on this forum often, perhaps you need something more, something real. I don't believe people recover from being on this forum. I do beleive it can be a springboard to recovery.

I wish us all hatzlacha each and every day one day at a time.

Love,

Gibbor