Amazing. Mazal Tov!

I just happened to see in the Zohar today about "eizehu GIBOR, hakovesh es yitzro" - that the Yetzer Hara is like an animal... To those who struggle, he is like a snake or lion who tries to kill us, but the Tzadikim ride the Yetzer Hara like a donkey and don't have any major struggles with it, they simply ride it and it does their bidding.

May you be zoche to always be a GIBOR riding the donkey!

I haven't even found the donkey yet, much less riding it.  But, having less fights with lions and snakes, so that is a good thing .

Thanks for your post.  It is quite a thrill to have the guard come b'kvodo u'veatzmo to my "home".

Today marks 12 years since the day my wife caught me looking at porn.  It is still the best day of my life.  B"H, from that day forward I have been sober from porn and masturbation.  It hasn't been an easy road, certainly not at the beginning.  Actually, it felt like hell on Earth. 

Little by little things got better, at first by sheer willpower (which would not have lasted because we all know that willpower alone cannot do the job).  Then, some time later, I found guard your eyes.  It literally changed my life.  I'm not one to throw that cliche around.  I do mean it very literally.

Where am I now?  I'm going on a bit of a tangent, but I'm bringing out a point. You'll see.  When I was younger, I used curse words.  Lots of my friends did.  It was no big deal.  Occasionally, a word would slip from my mouth when I didn't intend it to (like in class).  As I got older, I changed my speech.  Now, it seems disgusting to me.  I can't imagine uttering those words even by mistake.  

I feel similar about my struggle with porn and masturbation.  It was so normal and I was so obsessive.  It was part of me.  Over time, and struggle, and honesty, and humility, (and humiliation as the initial catalyst.) I really feel like a different person.  I have been working from home since the start of COVID.  I'm at home for many hours by myself working on a computer.  Bli Ayin Hora, I haven't felt that "pull", that almost irresistible urge to act out.  That is a far cry from when my wife would leave to the grocery store, and I would have almost no bechira to run to the computer and feast my eyes on forbidden images.

The change runs far deeper than that though.  As you all know, acting out is the "solution", not the "problem".  I had a lot of insecurity and perfectionism (you can check out Dr. Sorotzkin on that topic.  His analysis is very accurate IMHO.)  I know that I am indeed a changed person, because my wife sees it in me.  I'm a happier calmer person.  I have learned to accept myself as I am (which does NOT mean that I'm not still growing.)

I feel a deep debt of gratitude specifically to THE GUARD and to DOV and also to all the people that posted on the forum or spoke with me on the phone and helped me along.

There is a sentiment that "once an addict, always an addict" and this will follow you for the rest of your life.  I'm not sure I agree with that.  I won't say that there aren't nisyonos.  There certainly are.  But they don't take over my life.  They are not the obsession of my life.  It definitely took a long time, but I would venture to say, that if I saw porn today, I would think it is disgusting.  In the past, I couldn't figure out what was disgusting about it. 

I'm not saying it wouldn't affect me or that I would not be nichshal.  "Al taamin b'atzmicha ad yom moscha" applies here more than anywhere else. I don't have any illusions that I'm somehow "vaccinated" from this .  It's just not the main focus of my life any more.

Which brings me to another point.  I used to post A LOT.  Just look at my numbers.  I think I'm in the top 5 or 10 all time, and I haven't posted regularly in several years.  Every once in a while, I feel guilty.  I should post.  I can potentially help people, but for some reason, I find it hard to do, but I'm not sure why.  This is really a question for those that don't post anymore.  It's like the Rebbi who give mussar to those that don't attend the mussar shmooze.  I'm asking the wrong group. 

Perhaps I'm just burned out, or don't have patience any more.  I wonder if it's because I feel like I've moved on and it's hard for me to discuss things that I'm better off staying away from and keeping off my mind instead of constantly posting.  I certainly have more than enough material for anyone to read if they would like to read about my journey.

Anyway, enough rambling.  Maybe I'm trying to fit a years worth of posting into one post .   At least on my sobriety anniversary, I like to pop in and say hello.  The point of this post is NOT to toot my horn. That would be entirely counter-productive.  My main point is to express my hakaras hatov to all the aforementioned people, but even more so to Hashem, who's hand has been guiding me and has brought me M'afeila leora, from shibud to geulah and has given me the help and the tools.  My other point is to hopefully encourage this holy chevra.  I acted out for more than 20 years.  I was definitely obsessed if not outright addicted.  Things can change.  It takes time.  It takes effort.  It takes trust.  It takes humility.  But, things can change.

NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

Love,
gibbor