belated mazel tov!
wow!
the number almost gets me depressed, but I guess another 1,466 one day of good decisions....

anyway, keep up the chizuk for the rest of us

1500
what a number

gibbor120 wrote:


Now that is impressive! Can you imagine, people were sobering up from this addiction before the invention of GYE?

Mazel Tov Gibbor!

tryingtoshteig wrote:


I hope to inspire, not to impress. I hope it does not depress. Then it is not worth posting.

I am both inspired and impressed, eilu v'eilu. It makes the fight a little easier for me to know that there are people like you out there who have been winning battles even in the absence of anonymous forums and 90-day charts.

I am also inspired by the amount of chizuk that you have shared with the heilege oilam here, as evidenced by your 2500+ posts on the forum. (I wanted to post a screenshot when your count was at 2500, but I couldn't figure out how.)

KOP and KUTGC! (Keep on posting and Keep up the great chizuk! Sorry if those are not in the official glossary.)

tryingtoshteig wrote:

What do you mean? Before I found GYE, I quit dozens and dozens of times.

gibbor120 wrote:

Oh, we are definitely inspired. Nothing personal, but my gayvah assures me that I'm better than you. So, if you could do it, so can I!

You and all of us should be gebenchted with many more one days.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

gibor120 wrote:


k, so let's hijack ur own thread.

Do you think that it would not be possible for you to get where you are, in regard to your relationship with your wife, if you had started recovery on your own, and when you trusted yourself enough you would have told her?

Isn't it supposed to be that love reflects, and if I work on myself enough to really really be there for her, and build up enought trust before telling her, then i won't have to go through the years of hell to get where you are?

sorry for hijacking, but I really would like to hear what you think since you're on the other end of the bridge.

I think if I had started recovery and told her at the "right time" things would have gone much smoother. I may not have lost as much trust in the beginning. Hashem has his cheshbonos of exactly when and how she should find out. It's a big chessed that he waited until we were married with children and had a strong relationship already. I think it would have been much harder if it was earlier in our relationship. It was hard enough as it is.

(every post raises the count no matter which post you look at. If you look at my first post ever, it will still say 2,500+ posts, there's no going [נ"א goin'] back )

For most guys - well-intentioned and holy as we may be - the idea of 'working on it on your own' is just plain ridiculous.

True, Gibbor did it without GYE...but he was not on his own! His wife already tore his precious 'space-time continuum' asunder (a'la Capt Kirk) by walking in on him and making his behavior real.

For most (all) of us, we compartmentalize and 'deal' with it, so the craziness and immaturity of what we do in acting out, is no longer really real.

That's my experience and belief, so far.

Dov, if you were responding to my question, I meant "on your own" as opposed to "together with your wife". As you know I am very involved in GYE and OINK, for that very reason - I couldn't help myself. So just to clarify, I was asking not in regard to recovery direct, but rather in regard to the relationship with my wife (which may be helpful in recovery, I don't know). and you are more than welcomed (even asked, please?) to offer your opinion on the matter.

I just read your post again Pdainiwhatever, and really don't get the distinction. You mean, "if one started their recovery and sobriety from habitual fantasy and sex with themselves - can they do OK with fixing their relationship with their wife and better than a guy who started with help of another person?"?

I'm just not getting it...sorry dear amigo!

And when you say "relationship w/wife", are you really mainly referring to having better sex with her, or to something else...like loving each other regardless of sex?

very simple,

first of all, REAL name is Yankel (as in signature).

Second of all, a little background, there is a lot of discussion regarding telling one's wife about his problems. Gibor happened to mention a few times that his relationship (communication, understanding, appreciation, love, caring, etc. yes, everything but sex which i am sure has also gotten better, but not what I am aiming for right now) with his wife has grown emmensly from that point. (side note - after a few years of rocky times)

Third, question, Can we not build our relationship with our wives (which we have not been doing until now due to our self centerdness), up to the point where your's and gibor's and a few other's that their wives have out, without having to go through those turbulent years? or is it only through telling them and having them loose it or whatever and going through the turbulent times, that one will reach such a good relationship?

I would be happy to clarify more, if needed.

Things were tough for the first days, and weeks, but over time the issues became less frequent and less intense. I wouldn't say "a few years of rocky times". Maybe a few months.

I'm not sure that our relationship could be where it is now without those rocky times, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend telling for that reason. That can be selfish as well. I remember someone on the forum decided to bare his soul to his wife and told her everything... she was not too pleased. That was before he came to the forum. He then came to the forum and was basically told that he made a poor choice (to put it mildly).

It reminds me of the chofetz chaim that says that in order to get mechila for telling lashon hora, you must tell the person that you spoke about them. Rav Yisroel Salanter said that you should not do it. Why should you make someone feel terrible just for your own kaparah.

Anyway, I'm not saying pro or con, Just the facts... It's not an easy decision... unless you get caught that is

Every case is diffferent. No use asking generalities like this, I think. But Is your goal to have a relationship based on complete trust of each other? Then you cannot ever achieve that until you know that she knows everything there is to know about you and that you have no shame before her about the truth about yourself - including the really stupid, or bad, or sick things you have done.

The halocha is that sex is supposed to be done with kiruv bosor, and that a spouse who refuses to have it with kiruv bosor gives the other spouse grounds for divorce. Kiruv bosor means without clothes on at all. No chatzitza.

This is not a little idea, but a symbol of what the marital unity is, at it's best.

Can you or I have that? Maybe not.

There are men - good men - who will probably never tell their wives certain facts about themselves. Their shrinks, rovs, etc, may insist they NEVE ever tell. So will they achieve that perfect marriage unity in this world?

Nope.

And that is something they need to accept.

There are a lot of good things in ruchniyus and in gashmiyus that you and I will never achieve in this life! Imperfection is something to accept - not lust after 'beating'. Right?

Hi, gibbor120. I know this is off the current topic but I was looking at some of your earlier posts and saw this:

gibbor120 wrote:


Just wanted to give it a big "like" and add that in Slonim they talk alot about the idea of מאויבי תחכמני - learning battle tactics from the YH.

Firstly Dov (finally), Thank You, sorry if I wasn't clear in the beginning. That answer was exactly what was needed. I guess life is just one big dose of acceptance, and that needs to be accepted as well. Truth is I am trying to talk to my Rebbe about telling my wife, especially now that I am much more steady than I ever was, but being over the ocean can cause comunication dificulties. When are they going to invent portals?!

And for Mendel, Thanks for bringing that up, it's an awesome thought, and it brings out the best of gibor!