Subject: Euro-English


The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU
rather than German which was the other possibility. As part
of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted
a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c"
will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up
konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year,
when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This
will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes
are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in
the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year,
ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and
similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer
vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi
to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen
ve vil tak over ze world!

I want to hurt my computer

I want to buy a software program that, when run,
causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not
permanently.

When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special
button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like
a motherboard.

I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my
telephone.
For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical
support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity.
When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical
bolt of energy would be discharged into him.
This should not affect my ability to hear what's going
on at the other end of the line, of course.

And a special function would allow the volts to double
every time a tape-recorded message urges me to
continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the
caressing voice always claims.

I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program
which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth:
"Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn't care
less. Our technical support department consists of two
college kids, both of whom are busy playing Doom.
Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be
the one who doesn't speak English."

I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an
"illegal function" and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates.
When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken
me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the
computer company to come out and retype it for me.

I don't understand why new, "upgraded"software creates
files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the
same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who
has noticed that word processor files all look alike once
they are open?
Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it?

There should be a rule that when software engineers
buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function.
If they don't understand why this is happening, they should
call me and I will explain it to them.

How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one
who misses work?

I want to know why my printer always jams on the last
piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this
happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the
manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.

I am really tired of hearing about all the things that
happened with Y2K. Why didn't anybody ever ask these
computer programmers how in the world they didn't know
the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software
engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people -
what did they need - a memo or something?

I want to know what good is a Web search engine that
returns 324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword. That's like
saying, "Good news, we've located the product you
want. It's on Earth."

I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my
operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up
so little space. My new operating system is five times
the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade,"
it seems to grow 75 percent.
That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to
visit she weighed another 500 pounds.

Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes"
my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other?
They live together in the same little tower!

Please understand, I don't hate my computer...I just
want to hurt it every once in a while!

Always a Jew

An old American Jew felt that death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.

The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called his sons and told them: "Take me quickly back to the United States."

The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'

"Yes," answered the father, to die it's okay, but to live here....!?"

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

btw I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets

So their wives would have something to remember them by

markz wrote on 03 Feb 2016 03:34:


Because if they crash into something ELSE or someone else crashes into them, and they still want to do a kamikaze mission they don't want to be injured. But why do 7-11 stores that are always open have locks on them (they are and they do)?

Maybe it discourages thieves

[quote="markz" post=275986 date="][b][size=5]I want to hurt my computer[/size][/b]

I want to buy a software program that, when run,
causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not
permanently.

When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special
button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like
a motherboard.

I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my
telephone.
For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical
support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity.
When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical
bolt of energy would be discharged into him.
This should not affect my ability to hear what's going
on at the other end of the line, of course.

And a special function would allow the volts to double
every time a tape-recorded message urges me to
continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the
caressing voice always claims.

I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program
which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth:
"Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn't care
less. Our technical support department consists of two
college kids, both of whom are busy playing Doom.
Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be
the one who doesn't speak English."

I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an
"illegal function" and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates.
When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken
me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the
computer company to come out and retype it for me.

I don't understand why new, "upgraded"software creates
files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the
same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who
has noticed that word processor files all look alike once
they are open?
Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it?

There should be a rule that when software engineers
buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function.
If they don't understand why this is happening, they should
call me and I will explain it to them.

How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one
who misses work?

I want to know why my printer always jams on the last
piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this
happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the
manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.

I am really tired of hearing about all the things that
happened with Y2K. Why didn't anybody ever ask these
computer programmers how in the world they didn't know
the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software
engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people -
what did they need - a memo or something?

I want to know what good is a Web search engine that
returns 324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword. That's like
saying, "Good news, we've located the product you
want. It's on Earth."

I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my
operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up
so little space. My new operating system is five times
the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade,"
it seems to grow 75 percent.
That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to
visit she weighed another 500 pounds.

Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes"
my floppy drive! How could they not recognize each other?
They live together in the same little tower!

Please understand, I don't hate my computer...I just
want to hurt it every once in a while!

that was good I just spent a week on the phone with Microsoft 


 [/quote]

KEEP ON TRUCKING... 

UNLESS YOU HAD OTHER PLANS

What did he do wrong? He wasn't in the left lane...




FELL SHMELL?
KOT

Can anyone explain to me why some people beg to differ, I mean, are you going to get down on your knees and beg and plead to differ, just go ahead and differ, odaat.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items
in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a
large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks,
about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was
full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the
rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is
your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner,
your health, your children - things that if everything else was
lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,
your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the
pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend
all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have
room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to you happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go
to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand."

A student then took the jar which the other students and the
professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer.
Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making
the jar truly full.

Which proves: - that no matter how full your life is,
there is always room for a beer.

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

There are several men sitting around in the locker
room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a
cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the
men picks it up, and the following conversation
ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you
are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's
absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that
much..."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I
spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good
price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we
bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling
your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate
agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at
last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a
pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront
property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that
we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises
his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those
present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the
Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.
She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking
them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister.
Please answer this question: Your mother has a child,
and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or
sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds
"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen.
She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the
Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test.
He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says,
"Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it
and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican
senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the
State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your
father has a child, and this child is not your brother your sister.
Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately,
"It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and
exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is!
It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust,
"Wrong, you dumb idiot, It's Tony Blair!"

OTR wrote on 22 Feb 2016 02:16:

mominjerusalem (yeshivaworld) wrote: