Did you hear about the blond who........

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake
with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the
typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months
and the box said "2 to 4 years"

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said
1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into
those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the
label said "good up to 20 pounds"

14. What goes vroom-screech-vroomscreech', etc?
A blonde at a flashing red light.

A Simple Cup of Coffee.
======================
What happens if a fly falls in a cup of coffee:

1) Englishman:
Throws his cup away and walks away.

2) American:
Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.

3) Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the coffee away.

4) Japanese:
Drinks the coffee with the insect since it is a free bonus.

5) Israeli:
Sells the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese and
gets himself a new cup of coffee.

6) Palestinian:
Accuses the Israeli for throwing the insect into his coffee.
Relates the issue to violence.
Asks the Americans for Military aid.
Takes a loan from America to buy another cup of coffee.
Throws the coffee at the Israeli.

What existed before Google?

THEORY OF SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

markz wrote:


1. GO FISH
2. GOO
3. GOG UMAGOG
4. MR. MAGOO
5. GEVURAH SHEBYESOD
6. SAFETY GOGGLES
7. GOOGLY-EYED MONSTER
8. RABBI GUGENHEIM
9. YAHOO
10. GOOGLE

You Know the Person Next To You Hasn't Been To Shul In Awhile When You Hear Him Say...

1. "Hey, my book is backwards."

2. "Isn't it impolite to talk when the minister is talking?"

3. "What's with the beanies?"

4. "Isn't it funny that one person on the stage has a better singing voice than the other ones."

5. "I get the standing and the sitting; when do we kneel?

6. "Does your prayer book have writing in a funny looking alphabet, too?"

7. "Why do people keep coming in even after the service starts? Didn't they know what time it starts?"

8. "Do a bunch of people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives the sermon?"

9. "This food after the services is really good, but wouldn't it be better if people waited in line and then only took a little at a time?"

10. "Hey, I remember this part from 'Fiddler on the Roof'!"

jerusalemsexaddict wrote:


My dear Uri, on the one hand, it may have been Efshar bc it's a small world.
On the other hand, the big apple is called "big" for a reason.

A software salesman died. He approached the pearly gates where the attendant told him he had a choice of heaven or hell. First he visited heaven, where everyone was flying around playing harps. Pretty boring. Then he visited hell where a toga party
was in progress with plenty of good food, music, etc. and everyone seemed to be having a blast.

"I'll take hell," he said. He was immediately thrust in the fiery depths and a dozen demons set upon him, poking him with their spears and pitchforks as he roasted, his screams joining those around him. Just then Satan walked by. Between his
screams he managed to gasp out, "Hey, what happened to that party I saw going on?"

"Ah," said Satan. "You must have seen our demo."

markz wrote:



Mark, two things.
1. I like this one.
2. Where do you get these?

shmulyz18 wrote:
These are my demo just kiddin. I'm a fussy shopper and I only post serious jokes, no half baked stuff. Hey, as a teen I extend you an invitation to the teen joke section too!

Ok Where on the forum do I find it?
Is it under the teen corner?

Do you like my new avatar?

shmulyz18 wrote:
yes under the teens section
Your avatar is really cool!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just looked at it close, cos on my protected device - iPhone I only see a small image

One of the things I've noticed while driving across this great land
of ours is this: The people who make road signs have Q-tips Cotton
Swabs(tm) for brains.
I'm not talking about your average, humdrum road sign like "STOP"
or "YIELD" to which the average, intelligent American driver pays little
or no attention in the first place. No. I'm talking about the kind of
road signs that make you wonder if the guys down at the DOT are running
with a full frame of resident pages, if you get my proverbial drift.
These are some of my favorites:

LOW-FLYING AIRCRAFT

Tell me, does the placement of this sign on the highway imply some
action on my part as a motorist? I mean, just how "low-flying" are
these aircraft? What am I supposed to do if I see one? Duck? Should
I assume that the aircraft has the right of way? This sign is about
as valuable as its cousin:

WATCH FOR FALLING ROCKS
(little picture of an avalanche)

"Well officer the reason I rear-ended the school bus was because I
had my eyes peeled on that mountainside so I could swerve to avoid any
boulders that happened to come loose as I drove past..."

ROAD UNDER CONSTRUCTION
PASS AT YOUR OWN RISK

What this sign means is, if, as you are driving through the con-
struction area past the ten or twelve road workers who are standing
around in small groups with their hands in their pockets discussing
whether or not the color of the steam-roller conforms to their union
contract, and one of them flicks a cigarette butt your way which ignites
your gas tank and your car explodes, you cannot hold them liable for
damages.

NO TRUCKS LEFT LANE

No verb this sentence.

BLASTING AREA. TURN OFF TWO-WAY RADIOS.

I wonder how many crazed pyromaniacs drive around with a carload of
walkie-talkies looking for these babies, hmm?

MEN IN TREES

Don't worry guys, evolution is your friend.

LAST SANITARY FACILITIES FOR 30 MILES

"Gee, I guess we'll have to use the unsanitary ones..."

HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR TIRES LATELY?

This is on the Maine turnpike just after you come over "The Bridge"
from New Hampshire. It serves as a reminder to tourists that it could
snow at any minute without warning.