peloni almoni wrote:

You can also make a chakira for my name, is it mesayin as in מסייעין אותו, or mess ayin as in מת עין

And there can be a couple of pshatim in לשבח ,מת עין or לגנאי

וק''ל

Mesayin wrote:


believe it or not, i originally thought your name was english - me sayin' (cordnoy language, without the g) kelomar this is you saying your devarim

peloni almoni wrote:


SERIOUSLY????

SORRY!
I told her she had three beautiful children. My mistake. She didn't have to get all pissed off and threaten me with a bomb. It was an honest mistake.

Mesayin this is in your Honor for reaching 100 days
jerusalemsexaddict wrote:

TrYiNg wrote:

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they
got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was
the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned,
Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things
I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got
to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be
so awful?
What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and
take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing,
the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

A rabbi and a priest are driving separate autos on a mountain road during a very bad snow storm. The priest is driving down the mountain. The rabbi is driving up the mountain. They meet on a narrow curve in the road. Their autos crash. The priest's auto goes down over the hillside and smacks into a large pine tree. The rabbi's auto crashes into the side of the mountain. Both autos are seriously damaged.
The rabbi is not hurt. He climbs out of his tangled mess runs down the hillside to find the priest slumped over the steering wheel. The rabbi says, "Father, are you hurt? Are you all right?"

The priest regains consciousness and responds, "I'm O.K."

The rabbi asks, "Would you like a small shot of whiskey?"

The priest responds, "That would be nice."

The rabbi hurries up the hill, goes to the glove box of his auto, takes out a small silver flask of whiskey and then returns to the priest. He offers him a drink. The priest takes one generous swig then hands the bottle to the rabbi who says, "Please take one more. You're in such pain."

The priest obliges. Then after the second drink the priest offers the flask to the rabbi again who declines, insisting there isn't much and he should take one more drink. After the third drink the priest asks the rabbi, "Aren't you going to have a drink with me?"

The rabbi takes the flask, immediately puts the cap on it, and hands it back to the priest and responds, "I'll have a drink after the police arrive."

60 ways to appear frum & intellectual

20. Learn Gemara and lain out loud along with the ba'al koreh because maybe he'll pronounce a komatz as a patach and that pseudo-Sefardi Modern-Orthodox sheigetz with the small black beanie who stands next to him reading from a Chumash won't catch it because he's busy talking about real estate throughout the laining.
21. Got to do that hat slanted ever so-slighty backwards thing for the full gangsta-frumma look.
22. Go "coast to coast" without showering or changing your clothes, sheets, or shaving, until you truly look like a caveman.
23. ***Do NOT do the following:*** Wear shirt with stripes. Bobby pins and especially those shiny metallic clips. Yalmulke with a rim that's bigger than your head. Tweed jacket with non-black hat.
24. Never say "Thank You"; instead say, "Shkoiyach...". Remember it's only one word.
25. Pssshhhhh.
26. Videotape your wedding even though nobody on either side of the family owns a television.
27. Go to bars dressed in your hats and jackets,drink, stare at teenage girls, and claim do be doing kiruv.

Cont...

42. Make sure to always look miserable, because G-d forbid, people might think that you are taking some form of pleasure in this world.
43. On Shabbos, Take off your jacket after Hamotzi and put it back on right before bentching.
44. Separate your trash between milchig and fleishig.


49. If someone's name is "Doniel" or "Gavriel", pronounce it "gavri-kel" or "doni-kel" in order that you shouldn't say G-d's name in vain
As in "Bas-ka got engaged to Eli-ko-ku"

7yipol wrote:


7yipol.. you are halfway correct. Hashem has both male and female attributes.

since the topic of women came up.

how many woman does it take change a lightbulb?
none, they just gossip in the dark.

hope you enjoyed that one.

A Chassidic Jew walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He explains that he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $2,000.

The bank officer says, "We will need some kind of security for such a loan."

The Chassid hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked in front of the bank. The Bank does a registration check with NYDIV. Everything checks out. The Officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

While the Chassid is away the Bank realizes their client is a multimillionaire. So several weeks later when the Chassid returns, repays the $2,000 and the interest which comes to $5.41, the loan officer questions, "Why would you bother to borrow $2,000? You are very wealthy."

The Chassid replies, "Parking. Where can you park in midtown Manhattan for two weeks for only five dollars plus change?"

John Watson wrote:




The first one is easy. The tire one is bad. BUSTED

Sarah comes home from her date, rather sad. She tells her mother, "David wants to marry me."

Her mother says, "David's such a good boy. So why such a sad face on my bubeleh?

"Momme, David is an atheist. He doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother says, "Bubeleh, marry him! Between the two of us, we can make him a believer."

A New York Yid left the snowy city for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip in Atlanta and was planning to join him in Florida the next day. When Yaakov reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly Rebbitzin whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving Rebbitzin checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband

P.S.: Sure is hot down here