Read once, then minimize to save screen space.

Forum Overview

Post on the forum to get support, tell your story and reach out for help when feeling weak!

You will never be alone in this struggle again.

The GYE forum is anonymous platform of group support, and a life-line of chizuk for hundreds of people in exactly your situation. 

To use the forum you need to first become a member of the site, sign up here.

After signing up to the site, go to the forum, enter one of our boards and press "New Topic" to begin posting! 

Welcome, Guest

Telling my wife?
(0 viewing) 
This is a board for all the important threads that we don't want to get lost among the others :-)

TOPIC: Telling my wife? 9181 Views

Re: Telling my wife? 10 Apr 2018 03:45 #329455

  • ieeyc
  • OFFLINE
  • Banned
  • Soaring to Har Sinai on the wings of an eagle!
  • Posts: 572
  • Karma: -9
Markz wrote on 08 Apr 2018 18:44:

ieeyc wrote on 08 Apr 2018 18:36:
dont think there is much difference in therepy between a non frum yid and goy

Probably not
Ok
And now what

read two posts above

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Re: Telling my wife? 10 Apr 2018 04:14 #329461

  • ieeyc
  • OFFLINE
  • Banned
  • Soaring to Har Sinai on the wings of an eagle!
  • Posts: 572
  • Karma: -9
Yerushalmi wrote on 09 Apr 2018 22:07:
I have not discussed my issues at all with my wife. Knowing how she feels i don't know if I ever will. At the least, it will have to wait until i am further along in recovery. 
I just meant that telling all can cause some harm. For some, this damage is short term, and may be easily repaired, and is worth it. For others, it may be best to not mention it until later, when it won't cause as much damage. Telling one's wife that I had "issues" a while back, and they were solved a few years ago isn't the same as telling her that I have "issue" now.

My suggestion for Eli would be to feel her out. Without arousing her suspicions, try and find out how she would feel. Perhaps you can say that a friend wants to know if he should tell his spouse, and ask for her opinion. 

good idea, as far as me and my wifes concerned, i feel so bad for my wife,boy is she in for a shock! (unless i do teshuva which will erase my past)

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Re: Telling my wife? 10 Apr 2018 16:01 #329494

  • Workingguy
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1150
  • Karma: 138
cordnoy wrote on 09 Apr 2018 23:04:

Yerushalmi wrote on 09 Apr 2018 22:56:
Let me start over. 
My wife once told me that if she were to find out that her husband is looking at online porn she would feel as if he had an affair. Knowing how she feels about it, I have not told her the things that I have done wrong. Perhaps when I am further along my road to recovery I will tell her then.
Based on our conversation, i can say, that to reveal all MAY cause a lot of damage. It may not. Other people's spouses might not feel the same as mine. Some people feel that it helps t heir recover to tell everything. In my own personal situation, I think it may cause more harm than good. If it's true for me it MAY be true for others as well. It might not. 
My suggestion was to try and find out what her feelings on the subject are in a hypothetical scenario. Knowing how a spouse will feel about it, MAY help someone decide to tell or not to tell.


Thank you for that. Most of the wives who have been told or who have caught their husbands also felt the same as your wife.

There is a dynamic to it. Vulnerability. Compassion. Love. Respect (yes respect....for recovery). Teamwork. Understandin'.

That bein' said, I still do not suggest to tell, but I say that in most of the cases I know about, it has turned out as a positive step.

The conventional wisdom about disclosure is hat it is necessary for two reasons. One, that one of the biggest problems in this issue is dishonesty and what it does to YOU, and the only way to fix that is radical honesty.

Two, that it takes away from your relationship from your wife. After my wife found out, and boy indeed was it not pretty, we called Rabbi Twerski on the phone, and he said two words- radical honesty.

That having been said, most of the professionals I’ve spoken to, and rabbonim busy with this, day that the specifics should be left out. Sometimes, the specifics ARE too painful for them and they can never get the images out of their head.

That being said, maybe other people will tell you they didn’t disclose anything and it worked well for them. Like Cordnoy said, the overwhelming story here is that disclosure was positive in the long run.

I would also add that professional assistance is vital- why go through the pain without having someone help you and her deal with it?

Re: Telling my wife? 10 Apr 2018 17:01 #329497

  • ieeyc
  • OFFLINE
  • Banned
  • Soaring to Har Sinai on the wings of an eagle!
  • Posts: 572
  • Karma: -9
cordnoy wrote on 09 Apr 2018 21:12:

Yerushalmi wrote on 09 Apr 2018 19:23:
My wife and i were once talking about this topic, and she told me the following: (as best as I can recall)
A woman will look up to her husband, and she will want to do things that please him and make him happy. She looks to him for approval in many aspects, the way she dresses, makes meals, and runs the house. If a husband were to tell his wife that the meal she prepared for him wasn't good, she will be devastated. She very much wants his approval. The bond that marital intimacy creates is a strong one. She also wants his approval in this area as well.
This is now a direct quote "If I were to know that my husband is looking at pornography on the internet, I'd feel as if he had an affair".

You are playing with fire by revealing all. Think very carefully before you do this. I do believe that you should speak with a frum expert, preferably a Rav who has expertise in these matters. In the non Jewish world, acts like this are a breech of trust. A broken trust can be fixed. In the frum world, they are also a terrible sin. Who wants to be married to a sinner? That is not something that can be fixed so easily. 

And yet, 8 or 9 out of 10 people here, and perhaps the percentage is even higher, say that the experience of tellin' their wife, or gettin' caught by the wife) was positive, and the marriage only improved. So, although I am a hold out (although I broached the topic), the statistics from GYE are all against you. 

God speed!

is there anyway that i can see those statistics myself?

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

Re: Telling my wife? 10 Apr 2018 17:15 #329499

  • cordnoy
  • NOW ONLINE
  • Moderator
  • I'm sailin', for I've got to be free
  • Posts: 11291
  • Karma: 521
ieeyc wrote on 10 Apr 2018 17:01:

cordnoy wrote on 09 Apr 2018 21:12:

Yerushalmi wrote on 09 Apr 2018 19:23:
My wife and i were once talking about this topic, and she told me the following: (as best as I can recall)
A woman will look up to her husband, and she will want to do things that please him and make him happy. She looks to him for approval in many aspects, the way she dresses, makes meals, and runs the house. If a husband were to tell his wife that the meal she prepared for him wasn't good, she will be devastated. She very much wants his approval. The bond that marital intimacy creates is a strong one. She also wants his approval in this area as well.
This is now a direct quote "If I were to know that my husband is looking at pornography on the internet, I'd feel as if he had an affair".

You are playing with fire by revealing all. Think very carefully before you do this. I do believe that you should speak with a frum expert, preferably a Rav who has expertise in these matters. In the non Jewish world, acts like this are a breech of trust. A broken trust can be fixed. In the frum world, they are also a terrible sin. Who wants to be married to a sinner? That is not something that can be fixed so easily. 

And yet, 8 or 9 out of 10 people here, and perhaps the percentage is even higher, say that the experience of tellin' their wife, or gettin' caught by the wife) was positive, and the marriage only improved. So, although I am a hold out (although I broached the topic), the statistics from GYE are all against you. 

God speed!

is there anyway that i can see those statistics myself?

Yes. Firstly, read the comments on this thread. Secondly, read the comments on other similar threads. Thirdly, stick around for about five years. Lastly, build up a contact list of friends, fellows, sponsees and more where you can obtain relevant, accurate, real information. 

God speed!
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Telling my wife? 11 Apr 2018 03:35 #329544

  • i-man
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 384
  • Karma: 51
I vaguely remember a concept from the sifsei chaims kuntriss on marriage ( i think )
that when a marriage is overall in a good place a big crisis wont be hard to get through, whereas if its not a crisis could easily derail it,
Is this something to consider ?
How would that go with what were saying about it ultimately being a positive ?

Re: Telling my wife? 11 Apr 2018 04:05 #329547

  • Markz
  • Current streak: 14 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 7229
  • Karma: 369
i-man wrote on 11 Apr 2018 03:35:
I vaguely remember a concept from the sifsei chaims kuntriss on marriage ( i think )
that when a marriage is overall in a good place a big crisis wont be hard to get through, whereas if its not a crisis could easily derail it,
Is this something to consider ?
How would that go with what were saying about it ultimately being a positive ?

imho this topic is a bit bigger than 'big Crisis'
My Story---------Dov Quotes


What works for me:
ForumInternet Restrictions




FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING
Click HERE to checkout;
100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
• Awesome Threads Saved for You
• Cast Your Vote

GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: Telling my wife? 11 Apr 2018 09:59 #329551

  • Singularity
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • To write, or not to write?
  • Posts: 1313
  • Karma: 66
Yerushalmi wrote on 09 Apr 2018 22:56:
Let me start over. 
My wife once told me that if she were to find out that her husband is looking at online porn she would feel as if he had an affair. Knowing how she feels about it, I have not told her the things that I have done wrong. Perhaps when I am further along my road to recovery I will tell her then.
Based on our conversation, i can say, that to reveal all MAY cause a lot of damage. It may not. Other people's spouses might not feel the same as mine. Some people feel that it helps t heir recover to tell everything. In my own personal situation, I think it may cause more harm than good. If it's true for me it MAY be true for others as well. It might not. 
My suggestion was to try and find out what her feelings on the subject are in a hypothetical scenario. Knowing how a spouse will feel about it, MAY help someone decide to tell or not to tell.
I have seen 2 therapists over the years. Based on that i would definitely say to seek the advice of a frum expert. 

My wife told me if she knew I was doing that stuff she'd be absolutely devastated and destroyed.
I later came clean to her about my addiction and she was not devastated or destroyed.
It did bring us closer.
That's just my experience.
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley!
My Thread

Re: Telling my wife? 12 Apr 2018 03:50 #329610

  • i-man
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 384
  • Karma: 51
Markz wrote on 11 Apr 2018 04:05:

i-man wrote on 11 Apr 2018 03:35:
I vaguely remember a concept from the sifsei chaims kuntriss on marriage ( i think )
that when a marriage is overall in a good place a big crisis wont be hard to get through, whereas if its not a crisis could easily derail it,
Is this something to consider ?
How would that go with what were saying about it ultimately being a positive ?

imho this topic is a bit bigger than 'big Crisis'

That was my next question...

Re: Telling my wife? 20 Apr 2018 06:50 #330044

  • eli613
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Junior Boarder
  • Posts: 37
  • Karma: 2
Thank you all so much for your insight. I really appreciate hearing other people's experiences on this matter.
On the one hand, telling her would make it easier for me to work the program, (in fact I find it hard to really commit to the program knowing that I probably should tell my wife but I am unwilling to do so) and it would relieve me of this secret that I have been hiding from her and it might even get me to this higher state of marriage that some of you mentioned that seems so nice. I would love to just relieve myself of this pain that I am holding on to.

On the other hand, I know some women have bigger personalities and may be able to handle such news and get over it or learn to deal with it eventually, but my wife is a really sensitive person, a bit naive maybe, (she is really nice to) my confession would kill her, she would be so crushed, I can't imagine what this would do to her mentally, I don't think she would divorce me since she is very dependent on me, but, who knows? She would definitely need the support of her mom and her siblings and maybe even her close friends which would not make me look very good. Is it right to gamble with my wife's and children's future like that? Also, telling her and knowing that my secrets will probably get out there scares the s**t out of me. 
In other news, I am getting close to 30 days of sobriety. I was at the end of a long work day and I was thinking what I can do instead of acting out and I decided to buy my kids a puzzle, they were excited to start but than it was bedtime for them and it was too hard for them so I just finished the whole puzzle myself. It was a new way for me to entertain myself without acting out or binge watching a tv show. 

Re: Telling my wife? 20 Apr 2018 07:00 #330045

  • eli613
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Junior Boarder
  • Posts: 37
  • Karma: 2
So, here is why I really posted. I know my wife and I know that telling her would be a terrible idea so therefore I am not planning on telling her.
I am looking for support from other people in recovery who have not told their spouses but have been successful in recovery. I feel like I might be a lost case if I don't tell my wife, so it would be helpful for me to know that there is hope for me. 

Thank you. 

Re: Telling my wife? 20 Apr 2018 11:10 #330058

  • Hashem Help Me
  • Current streak: 1092 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1960
Your decision to purchase the puzzle and then to actually complete it yourself was a very healthy one. You are training yourself to actively search for stress relievers that are kosher, healthy, and stimulating, in place of the pornography/masturbation escape. Secondly, your  intent was to bring you closer to your family - as opposed to escaping from life in general and from them by acting out in private somewhere. This is real recovery based thinking.

Regarding your question. There are many people in recovery who have chosen for various reasons not to share with their wives. Personally i did, but almost all of the married people that i speak and correspond with have not. Many of them made this decision not to tell after consulting with a therapist, rav, or GYE expert. A very close friend here on GYE who originally was in really bad shape and now is BH clean way over 1,000 days, due to his understanding of his wife chose not to share his struggle with her. Of course that means he has to limit his speaking with fellow GYEers to work hours and of course misses out on celebrating the various milestones of success with his life partner. However he is definitely not "a lost case" to quote your concern - not in the slightest - He has helped countless chevra here (including me). So yes, to quote you again, there is "hope for you". Lots of hope. May Hashem grant you much success on your journey to being clean with peace of mind and help you have true shalom bayis and brocho.
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Telling my wife? 20 Apr 2018 15:03 #330075

  • eli613
  • Current streak: 1 day
  • OFFLINE
  • Junior Boarder
  • Posts: 37
  • Karma: 2
Thank you. This is really what I needed to hear. If anybody reading this has in been in a similar situation and has been successful in recovery, I would love to hear from you and get some tips on how you worked the steps and made a path to recovery. 

On to day 29...

Re: Telling my wife? 20 Apr 2018 16:50 #330081

  • Gettinghelp2
  • Current streak: 23 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Junior Boarder
  • Posts: 38
  • Karma: 3
I do not plan on telling my wife. This come from the belief that her neshama already knows and sends the message her. You'll see a vast difference, in my opinion, in he overall atmosphere of the house and family,especuially your wife. So by not telling her and using the program you are in fact sending her neshama a very strong message. Don't forget your neshama and that of your wife's are connected. I hope this make sense .  Its hard to explain without speaking about it one on one.

Re: Telling my wife? 20 Apr 2018 19:14 #330088

  • Hashem Help Me
  • Current streak: 1092 days
  • OFFLINE
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 1960
eli613 wrote on 20 Apr 2018 15:03:
Thank you. This is really what I needed to hear. If anybody reading this has in been in a similar situation and has been successful in recovery, I would love to hear from you and get some tips on how you worked the steps and made a path to recovery. 

On to day 29...

My breaking free came from being in touch with successful individuals from GYE. 
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE
Time to create page: 0.67 seconds

Are you sure?

Yes