Welcome! Great question!

First of all, marriage will not fix the problem. You seem to be aware of that. The next question is, how will your masturbation habbit/addiction (circle one ) affect your marriage? How will hiding it affect your marriage? What if your wife eventually catches you (as mine did ) - how will that effect your marriage (hint: it won't be pretty).

You did not mention pornography in your post. Do you have a problem with porn as well?

Here are a couple of posts from the Q&A section:
www.guardureyes.com/gue/rtwerski/startDating.asp

guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/do-i-have-to-tell-my-date?category_id=281

guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/three-reasons-to-date-someone-who-has-recovered-from-sex-addiction

Hatzlacha!

I also have no personal experience with this B"H, but it is VERY serious. Do you have a Rav you can speak to? Many lives are at stake here. GET HELP! You may have to be up front with this lady and tell her that you must cease all contact with her. I don't know. I don't know you or the situation well enough to say. BUT PLEEEEEASE GET HELP, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! You cannot "hope" that it goes away. You must DO something, and it may be something drastic, but the alternative is worse!

You make a good point, and I have struggled with that question as well.

If you have read and/or listened to Dr. Sorotzkin, I'm not sure how much I can add. I will try anyway. One thing that helped me was to realize that I am not in control. I can do G-d's will to the best of my ability, and that's all.

A lot of perfectionism is based on feeling low. So, if I am perfect no one (including G-d) can have tainos on me. Then I get stressed because, hard as I try, I am not perfect, and I'm trying to escape the wrath of Hashem and people. So-and-so over there learns better than me. This one has more money. This one has is more popular, or has a nicer voice. The list is endless.

If I focus on serving G-d to the best of MY ability, with the talents that G-d gave ME, and let go of my stress. The more I realize that all I can do is try, and the outcome is in Hashem's hand, the less stress I feel.

I'll give a fictional example. I'd like to be on time to shul. So, I keep checking my watch, I want to leave at a certain time. Then one of the kids needs something, so I yell, because I'm uptight, because I HAVE to be on time. I mean the KING is waiting for me. I put tons of pressure on myself. The light is turning red so I plow through and almost hit a pedestrian and cause a chillul Hashem.

Instead, I can say. I was going to be on time, but one of my children, one of Hashems children needs something. What is the right decision right now? To take care of him. I am running late. It's ok. I can't control everything. The light turned red, and I will be even later. Again, there's nothing I can do. It's out of my control.

I hope I illustrated a certain mindset. When I change my mindset to do what Hashem wants right now, my stress level goes way down. When I think I have to make it to shul or Hashem will be angry with me, I'm not really serving Hashem. I'm worried about my own schar v'onesh.

Some of this is hard to convey in words. I hope it helps.

Moshe eyes wrote:
I'm not sure why she has to have more good traits than you?

The second point you make is very important "and I felt that". Ok, now find and focus on her good traits. If you clean up your side of the street, you may find she has more good traits than you think. Some of her "bad" traits may be her response to your bad traits kmayim panim el panim. I've seen many guys come here and complain about their wives. Once they clean up their act, all of a sudden their wife is much nicer to them, and prittier too.

Moshe eyes wrote:
so you are just kvetching. Hey, we all need to kvetch sometimes. I would stay away from the "D" word even if you are just kvetching.

Moshe eyes wrote:
I'm not sure that is true. But since we are not discussing the "D" word, I'll drop it.

Moshe eyes wrote:
... and Rashi in several places makes a point that the avos didn't notice their physical beauty until it was neccessary (hinei na yadati...) Also, Yehuda did not know what Tamar looked like etc. etc. They were primarily concerned with their spiritual qualities.

Rav Dessler talks about the chazal that a person should not marry a woman until he sees her. He says that this chazal is only k'neged the yetzer hora. When a person will want to get rid of his wife, he'll say, that had I known what she looked like, I wouldn't have married her. If he already saw her, he cannot say that. But in reality, it is atzas hayetzer, and shouldn't matter what she looks like.

Now I know we are not on that madreiga, and a person needs to have a physical attraction to his wife. I'm just making a point. You seem to have admitted that sometimes she does look nice to you, so you have something to work with.

In any event, you have a lot to work on before you can say that you are not physically compatible. I think if you work on some things, you will find your wife much more attractive than you ever imagined.

# 6

Suffering leads to Growth

There is a famous quote in the big book to that effect. Something like "I needed each and every drink to get where I am today". The realization that all the hardship is a necessary part of our growth process.

tttzyk wrote:

100% true. Short term pleasure wins 99.99999 times out of 100.

tttzyk wrote:

The first thing is to avoid triggers at all costs. That means avoiding looking, fantasizing, etc.

There are emotional triggers as well. Lonliness, depression, anger, resentment, etc. For those we need to learn to live differently, to make friends, to rely on Hashem, to realize EVERYTHING comes from Him and he loves us to pieces!

When all else fails, call a friend and talk it out.

tttzyk wrote:

I haven't found any pain that is painful enough to stop me when I have a strong desire. Have you?