Hi Guys!
Here is my story and my issue:
I am married with 2 kids
I was addicted to porn and masturbation.
I joined a 12 step program and im now sober for around 75 days, with Hashem`s help.

BUT I have major attraction issues towards my wife. (only if shes really dressed up and made up do i think shes pretty and even then....)

EVEN engagedand even on our wedding day I had this issue.
I spoke to people I respected, and they told me not to worry. but they were wrong.
I dont particularly love my wife for other qualities, I see many bad traits in her(that i didnt see before marriage)- so that makes it even harder

I dont know if I should just stay together for the kids sake and because of my anti-divorce values.
Or if I should get divorced.

I am looking for some people that had this issue and got over it.
that will give me better insight into this issue.
If you had such a problem, please let me know.

Thanks!
Moshe

First of all. Welcome! I have interspersed some comments and questions about your post.

Moshe eyes wrote:
Do you think your attraction issues may be related to your porning and masturbating? Real women cannot compare to what you see on the screen. (Those people in real life can't compare to how they are made to look on the screen)

Moshe eyes wrote:
I'm not sure if this is what "makes it even harder" or this is the main issue. If you really loved your wife, would there be an attraction issue? Is she the only one with bad traits? Do you have any?

Moshe eyes wrote:
So if you did not have kids, you'd drop her because she is so terrible? Does she have any idea that you are thinking of divorce?

Moshe eyes wrote:
It sounds like you need marriage counseling from proffesionals, not some anonymous sex addicts.

Please keep us posted.

1. It could be the attraction is related to porn. but im not expecting my wife to be a model. i just never(except for a few short times) had that real attraction to her.
2. it would deffinately help if she had more good traits. i have bad traits and so does she. but if she had more good traits than me and i felt that than it would maybe make me less concerned with looks
3. im not thinking about divorce seriously enough to dicuss it. i may decide to stay married forever.
4. a marriage counsler that didnt have my issue wouldnt be able to help. ein kemo baal hanisayon

Read the Garden of Peace from cover to cover and try applying all that you read.

Who said that R arush is right?

1. Who said that R arush is right?
2. do you know anyone that had my issue and got over it because of his book?

1. What do you mean by right? It works.
2. Many of us married our wives without loving them, just lusting them. Some of us have grown to love them after the fact. You just dont have the added lust complication.
3. If you want to live your life as a martyr and suffer on in silence, be my guest. But if you want to learn to love your wife you need to work on it and the best way to work on it is to follow the ideas espoused in Rabbi Arush's book.

me3 wrote:

At least you had lust attraction to your wife. I had no attraction,.
The Torah makes a strong point on the beauty of the matriarchs.....

And your response to #3?
Why are you fighting me?
Why are you not willing to give it a try?
And if you want to throw around Chazal's, they say that Esther looked green but she won the national beauty contest. Of course you're going to tell me that your wife isn't pretty and she has negative character traits and I really can't answer that without knowing her and referring you back to Rabbi Arush.

cant say that my situation is exaectly the same as your but

1. Everyone said that wife wife looked gorgeous on the day of our chasunah and when I saw her... Ho hum (I was not upset that I was marrying her but alas she was and is not a hot babe)

2. There are many times over the past 15 years or so that I though that my wife had very poor middos

3. I am absolutely in love with my wife to no end. I cannot fathom life without her.

That being said, I didn't always feel that way.


For starters: What have YOU done to develop the love?

-Eli

Moshe eyes wrote:
I'm not sure why she has to have more good traits than you?

The second point you make is very important "and I felt that". Ok, now find and focus on her good traits. If you clean up your side of the street, you may find she has more good traits than you think. Some of her "bad" traits may be her response to your bad traits kmayim panim el panim. I've seen many guys come here and complain about their wives. Once they clean up their act, all of a sudden their wife is much nicer to them, and prittier too.

Moshe eyes wrote:
so you are just kvetching. Hey, we all need to kvetch sometimes. I would stay away from the "D" word even if you are just kvetching.

Moshe eyes wrote:
I'm not sure that is true. But since we are not discussing the "D" word, I'll drop it.

Moshe eyes wrote:
... and Rashi in several places makes a point that the avos didn't notice their physical beauty until it was neccessary (hinei na yadati...) Also, Yehuda did not know what Tamar looked like etc. etc. They were primarily concerned with their spiritual qualities.

Rav Dessler talks about the chazal that a person should not marry a woman until he sees her. He says that this chazal is only k'neged the yetzer hora. When a person will want to get rid of his wife, he'll say, that had I known what she looked like, I wouldn't have married her. If he already saw her, he cannot say that. But in reality, it is atzas hayetzer, and shouldn't matter what she looks like.

Now I know we are not on that madreiga, and a person needs to have a physical attraction to his wife. I'm just making a point. You seem to have admitted that sometimes she does look nice to you, so you have something to work with.

In any event, you have a lot to work on before you can say that you are not physically compatible. I think if you work on some things, you will find your wife much more attractive than you ever imagined.

gibbor120 wrote:
I am thinking about divorce seriously but I dont think I will go ahead with it unless i feel sure. I do want to make things work but something tells me that the attraction issue is insurmountable. I need advice from someone that went through my test. Please help!

have you ever gone to counseling or to a therapist to discuss your issues?

Hi Moshe eyes,

Disclaimer: I am not married and everything I know about marriage I have pretty much learned here. You have said many times that you don't want advice from people who have not experienced this problem, so feel free to ignore what I am about to say. Chances are that it is completely wrong anyway.

I have two things to bring to your attention. First, a therapist can help you even if he has never had this issue. Second, maybe your wife does not have so many bad qualities.

Imagine if a doctor had to experience a problem before he could solve it. He could not remove a bullet unless he had been shot. He could not give chemotherapy unless he had cancer. He could not amputate a limb unless he was an amputee. Therapists are doctors for the mind, meaning that like a doctor they can solve problems they personally never had. They can treat schizophrenia, bi-polar syndrome, or many other mental diseases. Therefor, a therapist who has always had a good relationship with his wife can still help you.

Projecting is when a person finds faults with others because they do not want to acknowledge their own shortcomings. An example: A student who does not study fails a test, but blames his professor for not teaching better. Could you be projecting when you see negative traits in your wife? You and every other lust addict (including myself) use lust to escape problems. Perhaps, when you stopped lusting, you started projecting your problems onto your wife.

I hope that you find what I have written to be helpful. I think that seeing a personal and/or marriage therapist would really help you. Think of it this way.

The Best Case Scenario: The therapist tells you that your marriage is fine and once you fix your lust addiction everything with be perfect. You live a happy and fulfilling life. You also lose some money.

The Worst Case Scenario: You begin a process to repair your marriage and improve yourself. You live a happy and fulfilling life. You also lose some money.

Both of these scenarios seem fairly positive to me.

--some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

I think that if you value your marrriage and are interested in any degree of emotional intimacy, which can only lead to physical intimacy, regardless of whether your wife is dressed up as if you are going to a simcha, then you should strongly consider finding a therapist for yourself. Take it from someone who has been there-once you realize that porn and masturbation are poor substitutes for physical intimacy, your relationship with your wife will improve-both emotionally and physically.